主持人_王眾 鄧茗文

主持人說(shuō)：美國(guó)名校本科申請(qǐng)時(shí)，需要完成學(xué)校的定題Essay，也就是Supplement（SP），與PS形成良好互補(bǔ)。Cindy今年從國(guó)內(nèi)某知名高中畢業(yè)，已獲得多家北美名校數(shù)學(xué)及物理系的錄取。本期的文書(shū)點(diǎn)評(píng)就來(lái)一睹她叩響康奈爾的文書(shū)真容(應(yīng)作者要求，僅刊登部分內(nèi)容)。

康奈爾大學(xué)申請(qǐng)PS

Nowadays the Internet, bullet train, and smart phone prevail, yet the residents on Lake Tonlé Sap, Cambodia, could only illuminate their nights with oil lamps.01 It was what I caught when chatting with a friend of my family who had traveled in the country.Astounded by such facts, I organized a group consisting of me and fi ve of my friends, and decided to make some changes by donating and installing solar lighting systems.02

I learned about basic electrical knowledge and then taught my teammates.At the same time, I donated two cases of tools and sufficient safety helmets for a good start.I petitioned to and negotiate with several solar power corporations, and one in Hangzhou, Zhejiang Province generously offered to donate solar panels.Before we set off in June, we had already raised enough money and equipment through four months of hard work for 44 solar lighting systems consisting of lead-acid batteries,controllers, light bulbs and wires besides solar panels.03

After a ceaseless boat journey on the shallow and turbid canal, an unforgettable scene suddenly hit my eyes:hundreds of houseboats, or rather, shacks, built with dark-red or brown bamboo, wood and reeds scattered over the boundless lakesurface.04 There we divided into three teams.My partner and I boarded the first home; my right foot sank in between the floor covered by coarse planks and unprocessed bamboos as I entered.Mr.Chan Rum, his wife and two daughters,dressed in worn-out clothes, welcomed us in with simple yet warm smiles.There were no electronic appliances.No decent furniture.All they had were the bare living necessities.It seemed they’ve been living under the same condition as their ancestors hundreds of years ago.

……

Before we left, some residents had already booked equipment for the next year.After we returned, a teammate has published an article in the newspaper to appeal more fund-raisers and recruit more members,while I have been compiling manuals and fi nding people to translate them into Khmer and cartoons in order to help local people deal with the lighting system properly.I plan to purchase more quali fi ed equipment,as the equipment installed this time only had a quality guarantee period of two years.Our goal for next year is to install 100 sets,and we are on our way.05

康奈爾大學(xué)2012-14連續(xù)3年使用的SP命題：

Describe two or three of your current intellectual interests and why they are exciting to you.Why will Cornell'sCollege of Arts and Sciences be the right environment in which to pursue your interests? (Please limit your response to 650 words.)

I am a mathenthusiast06.When I was around ten, I found myself captivated by Euclid’s Elements, though it was beyond me then.I was amazed by the magic that only a few postulates, with logic reasoning,can evolve into a nearly coverall world of Euclidean geometry.I fell in love with math, and it has enchanted me for it is abstract and concrete, profound and simple.I realized the power of math; for instance,number theory can be used in encryption algorithms, and statistics can be used in policy-making.Math can explain many mysteries and I long to reveal the hidden laws of our physical world.I took variousmath courses inside and outside school,and now I am self-learning Important in equations.07

Because of my passion for math, I know the Department of Mathematics at Cornellis a perfect match for me.I once found a fascinating program called Mathgen,which can generate professional-looking but nonsense mathematics papers.The program made me admire its developer,XXX a former faculty member at Cornell’sDepartment of Mathematics, and I believe the environment at Cornell – like theprogram itself – will be so creative.I plan to concentrate on mathematical physics,which allows me to use advanced math knowledge to get a better understanding ofphysics.08

……

But in spite of all this, I do not want to limit my explorations to math or psychology alone.I am eager to explore various fields.Cornell can provide instruction in almost any study, and the Independent Major program opens another possibility.If I choose it, I can design my own curriculum and do more researches:such a flexible and tailored program can feed my diverse academic curiosity as widely as possible.

何苗

對(duì)外經(jīng)濟(jì)貿(mào)易大學(xué)經(jīng)濟(jì)外交專(zhuān)業(yè)本科，康奈爾大學(xué)國(guó)際政策專(zhuān)業(yè)碩士，在國(guó)際實(shí)習(xí)、留學(xué)申請(qǐng)方面有獨(dú)到的經(jīng)驗(yàn)。

《留學(xué)》點(diǎn)評(píng)

先來(lái)看Cindy的PS。首段簡(jiǎn)潔明晰，直入主題，談了自己對(duì)柬埔寨Lake Tonlé Sap 地區(qū)夜間照明問(wèn)題的看法，并緊隨其后描述了自己對(duì)此問(wèn)題的解決。讀完第一段，招生官眼前瞬時(shí)就可浮現(xiàn)出一個(gè)擁有改變世界的抱負(fù)，同時(shí)非常具有行動(dòng)力的睿智青年形象。

接下來(lái)的兩段對(duì)問(wèn)題解決過(guò)程所擁有的細(xì)節(jié)描寫(xiě)非常棒，對(duì)當(dāng)?shù)厝说纳顮顟B(tài)的刻畫(huà)，有攝影鏡頭一般的效果，使文章可信度、可讀性都非常高。

跳過(guò)幾段來(lái)看Cindy同學(xué)對(duì)全文結(jié)尾的處理。故事講完，但事件仍在繼續(xù)，這群年輕人在柬埔寨做出了可喜的改變，故事情節(jié)往美國(guó)人極愛(ài)的happy ending方向發(fā)展，但Cindy顯然切實(shí)需要Cornell的智力及技術(shù)支持，這也是Cornell所擅長(zhǎng)并擁有的資本。

Cindy將自己的經(jīng)歷講述完成的同時(shí)，還向招生官展現(xiàn)了一個(gè)正在運(yùn)轉(zhuǎn)，并逐漸走向成熟的項(xiàng)目。末尾一句看似簡(jiǎn)單地‘We are on our way.’卻已給了康村一個(gè)充分錄取她的理由。

再來(lái)看Cindy的SP。這篇SP的首兩段邏輯清晰，到位、全面地回答了題目的兩個(gè)核心問(wèn)題，并表示出對(duì)康奈爾教職人員和資源有不錯(cuò)的了解。

后一段初看有些空泛，實(shí)則非常聰明地補(bǔ)充說(shuō)明了為何康奈爾是最適合自己的。末尾句抓住了康奈爾在常春藤中獨(dú)有的“課程泛選”的模式，很好地表現(xiàn)了契合度。

王眾

廣東外語(yǔ)外貿(mào)大學(xué)英語(yǔ)專(zhuān)業(yè)本科，英國(guó)卡迪夫大學(xué)國(guó)際新聞系碩士，曾DIY申請(qǐng)資料，了解文書(shū)寫(xiě) 作。

作者回顧本篇文書(shū)的得失

01 故事式開(kāi)頭，有助于引起讀者注意。

02 這句話句式緊湊、信息量大且節(jié)奏性強(qiáng)，在段落間起到了承上啟下的作用，說(shuō)明了自己的實(shí)際行動(dòng)。且行動(dòng)包括了兩方面：organize說(shuō)明了自己的組織能力和領(lǐng)導(dǎo)能力；make some changes說(shuō)明了具體行為。

03 先則要列出自己貢獻(xiàn)的細(xì)節(jié)，然后總結(jié)自己的階段成果。

04 利用短語(yǔ)進(jìn)行細(xì)節(jié)描寫(xiě)，短促有力，且非常形象。是非常低調(diào)的表達(dá)方式。

05 故事不僅有始有終，而且待續(xù)未完，讓讀者愿意追蹤接下來(lái)的情況。有助于吸引招生官有沖動(dòng)參與其中。

06 enthusiast、passion之類(lèi)的詞稱(chēng)得上申請(qǐng)熱門(mén)詞。后文的幾個(gè)小編標(biāo)識(shí)出來(lái)的單詞和詞組也承襲了enthusiast，表現(xiàn)了作者對(duì)學(xué)科的熱愛(ài)。這些詞匯還可作為情書(shū)語(yǔ)庫(kù)喲。

07 仍然是有理有據(jù)、理論與時(shí)間結(jié)合，并且待續(xù)未完的路數(shù)。

08 我為什么選擇你，你為什么適合我。”這是文書(shū)中非常重要的部分。很多文書(shū)在a這一部分都變成了名校崇拜。其實(shí)，舉一兩個(gè)課程或項(xiàng)目的例子說(shuō)明，比多么仰慕都更有力度。而且，作者再次用plan結(jié)尾，一個(gè)規(guī)劃清晰的行動(dòng)主義者，當(dāng)然受歡迎。

綜合簡(jiǎn)評(píng)：

從文書(shū)即可看出作者的邏輯思維非常嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)、總結(jié)能力非常強(qiáng)，很善于用簡(jiǎn)潔緊湊的句式釋放最多的信息量。難能可貴的是，作者非常注重承上啟下，這是中國(guó)學(xué)生在寫(xiě)作中比較薄弱的環(huán)節(jié)。

同時(shí)，在文書(shū)中適當(dāng)?shù)乇磉_(dá)自己的未來(lái)規(guī)劃和小小野心，對(duì)于美國(guó)大學(xué)的申請(qǐng)，尤為有效。