達(dá)琳·朗瑟

Children learn who they are and how to identify， value， and communicate needs and feelings through interactions with their parents. Thus， how you communicate with your children is critical to the formation of their identity and to a large extent determines how secure their sense of self and self-esteem are. Here are traits of healthy families that allow children to develop into independent， functional adults： Free expression of thoughts， feelings， and observations; equality and fairness for all; healthy communication; reasonable rules; nurturing1 and supportive; healthy boundaries; problem solving.

As parents， here are seven key things you can do to ensure your children grow into independent adults：

Allow freedom of information

One of the main characteristics of healthy families and organizations， even countries， is freedom to express thoughts and observations. Secrets and no-talk2 rules are common in dysfunctional3 families. For instance， forbidding mention of grandma’s limp or daddy’s drinking teaches children to be fearful and to doubt their perceptions and themselves. Children are naturally inquisitive about everything. This is healthy and should be encouraged， not squelched4.

Show your children respect

Showing respect means that you listen and take them seriously， which communicates that who they are and what they think and feel have worth and merit. You don’t have to agree with what they say， but listening to understand shows that you respect them and teaches them self-respect. Speak to your children with courtesy. Avoid criticism， which is destructive to self-esteem.

Instead， praise the behavior you desire. You can set limits and explain negative consequences of behavior you dislike without name-calling5 or criticizing， such as， “It makes me and others angry when you tie up6 the bathroom for half an hour. We’re all kept waiting，” instead of， “You’re selfish and inconsiderate to tie up the bathroom.” When you treat your child with respect， they will treat others with respect.

Accept your children’s feelings

Many clients tell me that they weren’t allowed express anger， complain， feel sad， or even get excited. They learned to repress their feelings. This becomes problematic in their adult relationships and can lead to depression. With good intentions， often parents say， “Don’t feel sad， （or jealous， etc.）” or “Don’t raise your voice.” Allowing children to express their feelings provides a healthy outlet.

Feelings needn’t be rational， nor do you have to “fix” them. Instead， comfort your children and let them know you love them， rather than try to talk them out of how they feel. Expressing feelings doesn’t mean that they should be free to act on7 them. Tommy can be angry at his sister， but it’s not okay to hit her.

Respect your children’s boundaries

Respecting children’s thoughts and feelings is a way of respecting boundaries. Verbal abuse and attacks violate their boundaries， as does unwanted touch and sexual exposure or intimacy. This also includes tickling8 beyond a child’s comfort level. Additionally， children’s property， space， and privacy should be respected. Reading their mail or diary or talking to their friends behind their back9 are off-limits.

Allow children age-appropriate decisions， responsibility， and independence

Children need support in learning how to problem-solve and make decisions. Parents usually err on one extreme or the other. Many children must take on adult responsibilities too young and never learn to receive or rely on anyone. Some children are controlled or pampered10， become dependent and don’t learn to make their own choices， while others are given unlimited freedom without guidance.

Children resist control because they seek self-control. They naturally push for11 independence， which isn’t rebelliousness and should be encouraged. Age-appropriate limits teach them self-control. When they’re ready to test their wings， they need guidance to help them make their own decisions plus the freedom to make and learn from mistakes.

Have reasonable， predictable， humane rules and punishments

Children need a safe， predictable， and fair environment. When rules and punishments are arbitrary， harsh， or inconsistent， instead of learning from mistakes， children become angry and anxious， and learn to distrust their parents， authority， and others. Rules should be explicit and consistent， and parents need to be united.

Rather than base rules and punishments on emotions in the moment， think through what’s important and what is reasonably enforceable， which varies as children age and are more independent. Explain rules to older children， allow them to question you， and have good reasons to back up12 your decisions. Research has shown the physical punishment can lead to emotional problems in adulthood. The best punishments are reasonable， humane， and relate to the natural consequences of the wrong-doing.

Nurture your children

You can’t give them too much love and understanding. This isn’t spoiling them. Some parents use gifts or not setting limits to show love， but this isn’t a substitute for empathy and affection， which are necessary for children to grow into confident， loving adults.

孩子在和父母的互動(dòng)中學(xué)會(huì)認(rèn)識(shí)自我，學(xué)習(xí)如何確認(rèn)、評(píng)估并和別人交流自己的需求與感受。因此，父母與孩子的溝通方式，對(duì)他們自我認(rèn)同的形成至關(guān)重要，并在很大程度上決定了他們自我感覺(jué)和自尊的安全穩(wěn)定程度。健康家庭能讓孩子成長(zhǎng)為獨(dú)立的、積極生活的成年人，以下是這些家庭的特征：自由表達(dá)想法、感受，發(fā)表評(píng)論;平等、公平對(duì)待所有人;溝通順暢;規(guī)則合理;給予教養(yǎng)與支持;邊界明晰;解決問(wèn)題。

父母可以做到以下7個(gè)關(guān)鍵方面，以確保孩子成長(zhǎng)為獨(dú)立的個(gè)體：

允許信息自由

健康的家庭、組織，乃至國(guó)家，最主要的特征之一就是想法和評(píng)論的自由表達(dá)。關(guān)系失常的家庭中常常存在秘密和禁言規(guī)則。例如，禁止提及祖母跛足或父親酗酒，這只會(huì)讓孩子害怕，懷疑自己的認(rèn)知及自我懷疑。孩子天性好奇，對(duì)一切事物都有探索的欲望。這種好奇心是健康的，應(yīng)該鼓勵(lì)而非壓制。

尊重孩子

尊重孩子意味著能夠傾聽(tīng)他們的想法，并認(rèn)真地對(duì)待，這會(huì)讓孩子體會(huì)到自我的認(rèn)知、想法和感受都是有價(jià)值、有優(yōu)點(diǎn)的。你不必非要同意他們的觀點(diǎn)，但是以理解為目的的傾聽(tīng)會(huì)讓他們感受到尊重，也將教會(huì)他們自重。有禮貌地與孩子講話，避免指責(zé)，因?yàn)橹肛?zé)會(huì)摧毀孩子的自尊。

與指責(zé)相反，當(dāng)孩子的行為符合預(yù)期時(shí)，贊揚(yáng)他們。你可以設(shè)定限制，并解釋你不喜歡的行為會(huì)導(dǎo)致的負(fù)面后果，但不要辱罵或指責(zé)。例如，可以說(shuō)“你占用衛(wèi)生間半個(gè)小時(shí)，這讓我和其他人都很生氣，因?yàn)槲覀兌荚诘戎褂眯l(wèi)生間”，但不要說(shuō)“你很自私，不考慮別人，一直占用衛(wèi)生間”。當(dāng)你尊重孩子，他們就會(huì)同樣尊重他人。

接受孩子的感受

很多客戶告訴我，他們小時(shí)候不被允許表達(dá)憤怒、抱怨、傷心甚至興奮。他們學(xué)會(huì)了克制自己的感情，而這在成年后的關(guān)系中會(huì)造成問(wèn)題，甚至?xí)?dǎo)致抑郁。父母常常會(huì)說(shuō)“不要難過(guò)（或嫉妒等）”或者“不要提高聲音”，盡管他們的動(dòng)機(jī)是善意的。允許孩子表達(dá)自己的感受，可以給孩子提供一個(gè)健康的宣泄出口。

感受不必是理性的，你也不必去“修正”感受。相反，你要安慰孩子，讓他們知道你愛(ài)他們，而不是試圖勸說(shuō)他們走出自己的感受。然而，表達(dá)感受并不意味著他們可以任意隨感受行事。湯米可以和姐姐生氣，但不可以打姐姐。

尊重孩子的邊界

尊重孩子邊界的方式之一是尊重他們的想法和感受。言語(yǔ)辱罵和攻擊，正如非自愿的觸碰、暴露性器官或親密行為一樣，侵犯了孩子的邊界，這類行為還包括令孩子感到不舒服的呵癢。此外，孩子的個(gè)人物品、空間和隱私應(yīng)當(dāng)?shù)玫阶鹬亍Ｋ阶蚤喿x孩子的信件、日記，或背地里與他們的朋友談話，都是應(yīng)該禁止的越界行為。

給孩子與其年齡相適應(yīng)的決策權(quán)、責(zé)任和獨(dú)立性

孩子在學(xué)習(xí)怎樣解決問(wèn)題、怎樣做決定方面需要支持，而父母常常走向兩個(gè)錯(cuò)誤的極端。很多孩子很小時(shí)就必須承擔(dān)成年人的責(zé)任，從沒(méi)有學(xué)會(huì)去接受或依靠他人。有些孩子被父母控制或嬌生慣養(yǎng)，變得依賴父母，學(xué)不到怎樣自己做選擇，而另一些孩子在沒(méi)有引導(dǎo)的情況下被容許沒(méi)有限制的自由。

孩子抗拒父母的控制，是因?yàn)樗麄儗で笞晕艺瓶亍^力爭(zhēng)取獨(dú)立是他們的天性，這并不是叛逆，所以應(yīng)當(dāng)鼓勵(lì)。與年齡相適應(yīng)的限制教會(huì)孩子自制。當(dāng)孩子準(zhǔn)備好初試羽翼時(shí)，他們需要父母的指導(dǎo)，來(lái)幫助他們做出自己的選擇，同時(shí)也需要有自由的空間去犯錯(cuò)誤并從中吸取教訓(xùn)。

設(shè)定合理的、可預(yù)見(jiàn)的、人道的規(guī)則和懲罰

孩子需要一個(gè)安全、可預(yù)測(cè)且公正的環(huán)境。當(dāng)規(guī)則和懲罰隨意、苛刻或前后不一致，孩子非但不會(huì)從錯(cuò)誤中吸取教訓(xùn)，反而會(huì)生氣、焦慮，變得不信任父母、不信任權(quán)威、不信任他人。規(guī)則應(yīng)該清楚明確、前后一致，而父母也需要聯(lián)合一致。

不要把規(guī)則和懲罰建立在一時(shí)的情緒上，要仔細(xì)思考什么是重要的、什么是可以合理地強(qiáng)制實(shí)施的，這兩者會(huì)隨著孩子逐漸長(zhǎng)大獨(dú)立而改變。對(duì)大一點(diǎn)的孩子，要向他們解釋規(guī)則，允許質(zhì)疑，并給他們合適的理由以支持你的決定。研究表明，體罰可能導(dǎo)致成年后的情感問(wèn)題。最好的懲罰應(yīng)該是合理的、人道的，并與所犯錯(cuò)誤自然導(dǎo)致的結(jié)果相關(guān)。

教養(yǎng)孩子

你給孩子的愛(ài)和理解永遠(yuǎn)不嫌多。這不是溺愛(ài)他們。有些父母用贈(zèng)送禮物或不設(shè)限制來(lái)表達(dá)他們的愛(ài)，但這些并不能代替父母的共情與慈愛(ài)。孩子要成長(zhǎng)為自信的、充滿愛(ài)的成年人，父母的共情與慈愛(ài)是必要條件。? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?