王莉思

Humans want to understand their own and others behavior. For humans in our society this often means seeking psychological explanations. If distress is extreme， they may seek psychological treatment. Plenty of situations and individuals warrant this. But before trying this drastic measure， its a good idea to ask whether the problem may simply be differences in conversational style.

Talking About Ways of Talking is chapter eight from Daborab Tannens Thats Not What I Mean： How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Your Relations with Others. This book is not a self-help tricks-to-fix-it manual. Its main purpose is to shed light on human behavior， to offer understanding. The second part of this chapter shows how understanding in itself can go a long way toward solving problems. But， as Rachels experience shows， knowledge of conversational style can be translated into steps to improve communication and， consequently， relationships. Many have been mentioned in previous chapters. They are briefly summarized in this one.

Part I What to Do

The first step is to understand your own style， there are ways you can adjust it. Here are some. You will doubtless think of others yourself.

If you expect people to continue talking over your listening talk， but you see that someone keeps stopping when you respond so that you seem to be interrupting， you can back off and listen more quietly. If you find yourself doing all the talking， you may try counting to six after you think the other person has finished or failed to take a turn， to make sure she isnt just gearing up to say something.

If you feel yourself being continually cut off， you may try to speed up， leaving smaller gaps between your turn and someone elses， and within your own talk. And you may force yourself not to stop when others start talking， but to talk right over them. If that doesnt work， you can try using a nonverbal sign of having something to say----like waving your hand or learning forward.

Being aware of the danger of complementary schismogenesis----the spiraling effect of trying harder by applying more of the same style----you may resist the impulse to do more of the same and try doing something different. If you feel put off because someone is asking you too many questions， rather than evade the questions， you may try asking questions yourself， or pick a topic of interest to you and talk about it. From the other side， if you are asking questions to get someone talking， and he is answering in monosyllables or less， rather than asking more and different questions， you may stop asking them entirely and either volunteer information or let there be silence. No matter what the effect is， doing something different will at least change the interaction and stop the spiral of clashing styles.

Part II Making More Friends

From the first part of this story， the impression a reader gets is that Shawn is an intolerable person： a compulsive talker. But when the student changed his way of talking to her， her way of talking changed too. As a result he was able not only to tolerate her but to enjoy her company. He became friends with someone he would otherwise have fled from. As he himself commented， learning about conversational style enabled him to make more friends.

We tend to see our own behavior as a reaction to others； if we are rude to someone who has annoyed or offended us， we do not think this rudeness defines our personality； we think we were rude in that instance. But we think of others personalities as absolute. If others are rude to us， we are likely to conclude that they are rude people， not that they are nice people who were rude in that instance----possibly in response to something we said or did If we realize that others personalities and behavior are not absolute， we can see the possibility of changing them by changing our behavior toward them.

Part III Metacommunicating and reframing

The techniques mentioned thus far entail making small adjustments to conversational signals. This should be the first line of attack. But there are more drastic measures that can be taken， too.

As discussed in Chapter Five， a powerful tool is metacommunicating： talking about communication， with or without using the terms metamessage， frame， or conversational style. You may say something about whats going on----not， preferably， something judgmental like “Stop interrupting me” or “Give me a chance to talk，” but something that focuses on your intentions， like “I want to say something but I need more time to get going” or “When I chime in， I dont expect you to stop .Go on.” Another form of metacommunication is naming the frame： “I feel like were having a shouting match .Can we slow it down？”

You may also ask the other person what she or he expected in response to a comment or question. You may be surprised by what you hear. In addition， putting into words what you expected in response to what you said forces you to consider the other persons point of view.

The most powerful way to change interaction is to change the frame without making it explicit： reframing by talking or acting in a different way. Reframing is a repair job that often can be done most effectively behind the scenes.

Part IV Let the Style Fit the Context

Work situations often require reframing because the strategies that have been learned and found to be effective in other contexts----among family and friends----may fail， partly because work is likely to bring us into contact with others whose styles differ， and partly because work situations may demand different self-presentation than social situations require. For example， beginning a discussion of where to go for dinner by starting a negotiation may be fine with some people in social settings. But trying to reach decisions by negotiation may be disastrous if you are a manager or a customer with a salesperson， because it may make you appear uncertain and open to pressure.