Its been five years since the wedding you wouldnt attend. I cant say I didnt see it coming， but you cant say you didnt see it coming either. You made it clear， with the strict Jewish upbringing and rules about marrying in the faith. I made it clear， with the ditching of services and my burgeoning interest in India—its books， music and people. I realised that I needed to spend my life with someone who would appreciate， even encourage， my love of South Asian language， history and culture.

I guess theres no point trying to decide if it was truly inevitable because it happened， and thats that. I married a Sikh man and you cut me off for ever.

Mom， I remember you saying， back when I was at high school and this conversation was hypothetical， that I had to marry a Jew because you wanted to be able to connect to your grandkids. But you connected with me， didnt you？ And I stopped being Jewish so early that I had to fake my bat mitzvah.

If you think a Sikh upbringing is going to make your grandson out of reach to you， you have too little faith in humanity. You have more in common than youd think： hes a shy， bookish type—like me and you and your mom； he likes to race the other boys at break， an activity you told me youd done yourself， the year I started running. Hes even taken to the same football team you taught me to cheer for， despite his fathers best efforts.

It was hard going through my first pregnancy without you or my aunt or my sister. In a way， it helped me to become close to my mother-in-law， who has been so much more gracious and accepting of this pale， new addition to her family than I ever could have hoped. She cant tell me what the secret ingredient was in grandmas pumpkin pie， but she taught me how to prepare baby milk and medicate a cough， and lull my fevered son to sleep. The incredible love I feel for my son brought me closer to my husband and family with every little act they performed to make my life easier or his life better.

So many times I wanted to call you up， if not for advice then just to say， “Look what he did today！” Or， “This reminded me of you，” or “I miss you.”

I didnt， because Im stubborn and cowardly， and bad at forgiveness. But now I have a little boy growing up too fast and another one， a little girl， on the way. And Im starting to realise there is a point where it really is too late to come into someones life and still build a healthy， normal relationship. Sooner or later， my son will start asking where his other grandparents are and I will have to lie—lie to shield him from prejudice and judgment； lie to shield him from the pain that invariably creeps into my voice whenever I broach the subject； lie to shield him from the very notion that religion， this structure that has taught him to love and respect others， is enough to tear families apart.

It has been five years since the wedding you wouldnt attend （a fact that had its own silver lining because then we could hold it in India with all of my husbands family） and Im doing OK. Im sure I will continue to be OK—even good—in this new life of mine， without you. But Id like you back in it， if you wanted to be. For your grandchildrens sake， mostly， but also for my own.

Its been five years and I hope thats enough time for you to shake off your anger and disappointment， and start to miss me too.

Its been five years. Expect a call.

五年前，你們不愿參加我的婚禮。我不能說(shuō)對(duì)此完全沒(méi)有預(yù)料到，你們也不能說(shuō)感到意外。你們讓我清楚知道，根據(jù)猶太教嚴(yán)格的教條和規(guī)定，猶太教信徒是不允許跨信仰聯(lián)姻的。而我也清楚表明，我已不再信奉猶太教，而且對(duì)印度書(shū)籍、音樂(lè)和人民的興趣與日俱增。我意識(shí)到那個(gè)與我共度余生的人要會(huì)欣賞甚至支持我對(duì)南亞語(yǔ)言、歷史和文化的熱愛(ài)。

這是否不可挽回？也沒(méi)必要去追究了。反正事實(shí)已然如此。我和一個(gè)錫克教徒結(jié)婚后，你們便從此與我斷絕來(lái)往。

媽媽?zhuān)矣浀迷谖易x高中時(shí)你對(duì)我說(shuō)過(guò)，我一定要和猶太人結(jié)婚，因?yàn)槟阆Ｍ梢院妥约旱耐鈱O關(guān)系親密。那次對(duì)話只是假設(shè)性的。但我們關(guān)系很好，不是嗎？我很早就放棄了猶太教信仰，辦猶太成人禮的時(shí)候，我已經(jīng)是偽信徒了。

如果你認(rèn)為錫克教的成長(zhǎng)氛圍會(huì)令你的外孫無(wú)法與你溝通，那你對(duì)人性的信心實(shí)在是太少了。你不知道你們有多少相似之處：他比較害羞，好讀書(shū)——就像我、你和外婆；他喜歡在課間追逐其他小孩。我開(kāi)始跑步那年，你跟我說(shuō)過(guò)你也是這樣的。盡管他爸爸極力反對(duì)，他還是喜歡上了你教我為之歡呼的那支足球隊(duì)。

我懷第一胎時(shí)，沒(méi)得到你、阿姨、姐姐的幫助讓我十分艱難。然而，這在某種程度上讓我和婆婆的關(guān)系更緊密了，她如此仁慈寬厚地接受了這個(gè)皮膚蒼白的新家庭成員，這是我不曾意料到的。她不知道外婆的南瓜餅的秘密材料，但她教會(huì)我怎樣準(zhǔn)備嬰兒牛奶，兒子咳嗽時(shí)該吃什么藥，發(fā)燒時(shí)如何讓他安然入睡。我對(duì)兒子的深?lèi)?ài)讓我與丈夫和家人的關(guān)系更緊密，他們的每一點(diǎn)幫助都讓我的生活更輕松些，讓我兒子生活得更好些。

我不知有多少次想過(guò)給你們打電話，有時(shí)候想問(wèn)問(wèn)你們的意見(jiàn)，有時(shí)候只是想說(shuō)：“看他今天都做了什么！”或者說(shuō)：“這讓我想起你們了，”或“我想你們。”

我沒(méi)有給你們打電話，因?yàn)槲夜虉?zhí)、懦弱，不懂如何原諒。但現(xiàn)在，我的小男孩正飛快地成長(zhǎng)著，而我又懷孕了，這次是個(gè)小女孩。此刻，我開(kāi)始意識(shí)到建立健康、正常的關(guān)系對(duì)一個(gè)人的一生是如此重要，即使已經(jīng)為時(shí)已晚。不用多久，我兒子就會(huì)問(wèn)他的外祖父母在哪兒，而我只能說(shuō)謊——為了讓他遠(yuǎn)離偏見(jiàn)和別人的評(píng)頭論足；為了讓他遠(yuǎn)離痛苦，我每次說(shuō)起這件事都感到無(wú)比痛苦；為了不讓他知道教他愛(ài)和尊重他人的宗教信仰也能令一個(gè)家庭破裂。

五年前，你們不愿參加我的婚禮（我們?cè)谟《软樌e行了婚禮，出席的都是我丈夫的親人，這對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)也是一絲慰藉。），但我還是過(guò)得很好。我肯定我以后也會(huì)很好——甚至是更好——在沒(méi)有你們參與的、我的新生活。但我希望你們參與其中，如果你們?cè)敢?。這都是為了你們的外孫，同時(shí)也是為我自己。

已經(jīng)過(guò)去五年了，我希望這段時(shí)間足夠讓你們消除憤怒和失望，也讓你們開(kāi)始掛念我。

五年了，等你們的電話。