谷約

國外的高校每年都會收到成千上萬份來自世界各地的求學申請，其中一份可能就來自你。你在寫完這份申請材料之后必須做一件事，就是忘掉自己，把自己想象成該校的一名招生官。設(shè)想一下，如果你每天要閱讀上百份申請材料，那么你會喜歡或排斥什么樣的申請者呢？如果你覺得自己無法扮演招生官這一角色，也不了解他們的想法和喜好，那么請靜下心來，用五分鐘時間考慮一下這個問題：你在尋覓戀愛對象時，對于對方的人品、相貌、學識、素質(zhì)、舉止、談吐、物質(zhì)條件等，是否會有一些期許和要求？你理想中的白馬王子或夢中情人是什么樣的？相信絕大多數(shù)讀者都會說出落落大方、幽默感強、真誠、自信等這樣的擇偶標準，誰也不會說希望自己的另一半是小氣、呆板無趣、虛偽、嫉妒心強的人。所以，建議各位申請者在寫完留學文書時，試著換位思考一下：如果自己是招生官，會喜歡文書中塑造的這個形象嗎？或者，如果你找戀愛對象時，會希望對方是這樣的嗎？文書中的形象符合你的擇偶標準嗎？同時，申請者還要注意：不要僅僅描述或列舉一些優(yōu)秀的品質(zhì)，要用具體的事例做支撐，同時講述的事例要實事求是，不然就會顯得虛假。

案例分析

下面我們通過兩個真實案例來談?wù)勗谖臅鴮懽髦腥绾嗡茉斐隽钊讼矚g的個人形象。

文書案例1

很多申請者為了表現(xiàn)自己，心里想著往好的方面寫，卻不顧真實情況，無端夸大，不知不覺中把自己塑造得過于完美，讓人感覺虛假。有一位高中生想申請去美國讀大學，她在留學文書里說自己領(lǐng)導能力強、樂觀、品學兼優(yōu)、尊敬師長、刻苦耐勞、助人為樂、熱心慈善、注重環(huán)?！@些沒有結(jié)合具體事實的自我夸贊之詞在文中比比皆是。此外，在文書中她還痛斥了班上的一位女同學，說她喜歡炫富，生活作風不好，搶他人的男友，不尊重師長，說臟話，毫無道德底線等。本來是一篇留學文書她竟寫成了一篇“檄文”。顯而易見，這位申請者在描述自己時寫的都是好的方面，描寫別人時都是令人討厭的方面，想以此來反襯自己的優(yōu)秀。試問，如果你是招生官，你會喜歡這樣一個自我吹噓，并且惡言中傷同學的學生嗎？你會錄取她嗎？在找戀愛對象時，這位申請者塑造出的個人形象肯定也不符合你的擇偶標準吧？

在和這位申請者溝通之后，我們建議她把上述有問題的內(nèi)容全部刪掉，把筆墨集中在自己在環(huán)保方面的一段真實經(jīng)歷上，在敘述過程中要堅決杜絕出現(xiàn)“正確的廢話”，比如“熱心支持環(huán)保事業(yè)”等這樣的句子。把一件事寫深入、寫透徹，要好過寫許多件事但都寫得不夠深入。另外，我們還要求申請者仔細想想環(huán)?；顒邮欠翊嬖诓蛔愫涂梢愿倪M的地方，這件事讓她學到了什么，引發(fā)了她什么思考，等等。我們發(fā)現(xiàn)，當申請者摒棄了“假大空”的語言后，她的文字和形象變得非常真實可信。例文如下所示。

I am an active member of several clubs and organizations， but my association with Greening the Environment （GTE） is the longest. It began in 2010 when I was a high school freshman in Beijing. GTE is a non-profit organization dedicated to environmental protection through arts， education and culture. I joined GTE first as a “Green Hand，” translating documents from Chinese to English and vice versa， then as a volunteer in The Great Green Race and International Volunteer Expo that targeted Beijing students. In 2012， I was given an opportunity that would put my leadership and organizational skills to test. I was assigned to set up a booth （陳列亭） at the INTRO 2012 musical event to 1） promote green garbage disposal， 2） use recycling materials as a means of artistic creation， and 3） recruit new volunteers. I brainstormed with 11 high school volunteers I recruited for the event so that we could agree on our promotional material design， our mission and our agenda. By the time I arrived at the scene on the day of the event， I realized my planning was inadequate as I had not anticipated several surprises： one being that our booth was only 3 × 3 meters， too small to accommodate our own volunteers and displays； the other being that the tattoo booth to our right was already attracting a long line. Even some of my own volunteers walked over to see the tattoo artists in action. That was when I saw the humble （簡陋的） booth to our left open its banner showing “Water Conservation” as its mission. I immediately approached the person in charge of the booth and said that since we were both eco-friendly organizations on an uphill battle to attract patronage， it might be a good idea to combine our booths and resources. To my surprise， I did not have to do much to gain an ally. Before long， both teams took advantage of our increased space and created a water pipe in the shape of a dragon by using our recycling materials such as bottles， cardboards， and plastics. We invited onlookers to participate in the decoration of the dragon by matching the categories of garbage with their special designations. Meanwhile， I assigned several volunteers from both teams to talk to people in the long line for the tattoo booth and managed to get many signatures in support of our causes.

All said and done， I met the targets I promised to GTE. Flexibility， a win-win mentality， creativity， and commitment to environmental advocacy： these were the personal qualities that contributed to success. In hindsight， rather than leaving things to chance and last minute scrambling， I could have done more in the planning process to cope with different possible scenarios， I could have done more volunteer training in preparation for the event， and I could have delegated leadership roles to team members based on their skill sets and their interests. I found it beneficial to revisit and recap （重溫） the experience.

評析：一個可愛的人首先應該是一個真實的人，有說服力的文字首先應該是真實的文字。請大家注意這篇文章中的斜體單詞，它們都是有具體含義且客觀性較強的動詞，這些動詞并不難，有些還很簡單，但它們從一個側(cè)面反映出作者所述內(nèi)容的真實性。此外，這篇文書中還詳細、具體地描寫了環(huán)?；顒拥母黜梼?nèi)容，進一步增加了事件的可信度。最后，申請者總結(jié)了此次活動成功的原因和有待改進的地方，這一點比較符合我們在之前幾期中所探討的“低調(diào)”原則。一個人懂得反思，能看到自己不足，這本身就是個閃光點。

文書案例2

接下來，我們再來看一個本科生申請去美國讀研的個人陳述。這位申請者想要申請就讀美國一所名牌大學的公共政策碩士學位。他的個人陳述的主題是“中國的戶口政策”，這個主題不錯，和公共政策有關(guān)。無論是從語言還是內(nèi)容來說，申請者的這篇文章若經(jīng)過適當調(diào)整和潤色，都將是上乘之作。可是在敘述過程中，他一不小心把自己的形象塑造得令人討厭了。例文如下所示。

I used to be a happy and carefree child， but things changed in 2002 when my father had to relocate to Beijing where he was to teach in a university. I had to say goodbye to my friends and my birthplace and go to Beijing with my parents. I was quite excited about the move. Little did I know that I was in for a big shock.

When I arrived in Beijing， it was mid-November， almost two months late for school. I could either join the sixth grade in primary school or skip the grade and go straight to the middle school. My parents， citing some incomprehensible （難懂的） reason of hukou， a household registration record officially identifying a persons residency in a specific area， insisted that I should skip the primary school. And I did. At first I struggled a little on the academic side， but after a couple of months of adjustment， I caught up with the rest of the class. In fact I moved up to the top by the end of the semester. I did not know whether it was out of jealousy or out of exclusionist big-city attitude toward out-of-towners such as myself， but several of my classmates started laughing at my accent. They would imitate my pronunciation repeatedly and tell me “say again what you just said.” Some of their comments I overheard were downright mean. I was devastated （十分震驚的）. Gradually， I learned to deal with the situation by discriminating those who were merely curious from those who were just mean. I showed the former I did not take offense when they imitated me； I would confront or otherwise ignore the latter. I found as time went on even the latter had lost interest in making fun of me.

評析：在文章開頭，申請者開門見山地交代了舉家搬遷到北京的原委，之后又描述了因自己是外地人而受到北京同學歧視的情況，清楚、自然地引出了人與人之間存在歧視以及自己如何應對的話題。行文至此，文章沒有出現(xiàn)問題。

Then came the time to sit in for my high school qualification exam. I was confident that my score would be good enough to get me into the best high school in Beijing. I never realized until almost too late that not only was there discrimination among individuals， between Beijingers and everybody else from outside Beijing， there was also institutional discrimination against migrant people like my family. This institutional discrimination is none other than （不是別的，正是） the hukou system. One of my teachers told me that I could not apply for the best school of my choice simply because my family domicile （原籍） was not in Beijing. I suddenly realized the reason my parents wanted me to skip primary school was that when a student transitioned from primary school to middle school， the middle school， as a matter of practice， would look into the hukou registration and screen out migrant children. I was furious. What gave people reason to discriminate against me？ My father is no ordinary person. He is a distinguished professor. We would not have moved to Beijing if not for his reputation and stature. Long story short， my anguish was all for naught because my father received his Beijing hukou just in time for my high school application.

評析：本段進一步說明除去個人層面，在政策層面，尤其是戶口政策方面，來北京的外地人也受到歧視?！拔摇辈钜稽c被剝奪了考北京重點高中的權(quán)利，就是因為沒有北京戶口?！拔摇备械綉崙嵅黄?，于是發(fā)起了牢騷：我爸不是一般人，他是杰出人物，應聘到北京當教授，他們憑什么歧視我？言下之意，我們是精英家庭，不能被歧視，如果是普通民眾，你們就可以歧視。本段劃線部分暴露了“我”一方面痛恨歧視，向往公平，但另一方面搞特殊化，這樣一來，就把“我”之前塑造的形象毀掉了。這樣的形象招生官肯定不喜歡，而且就你的擇偶標準來說，你也肯定不喜歡這樣搞特殊化的人。所以，我們建議申請者把劃線部分刪掉。

As I entered college， I researched the hukou system， a system I still consider to be extremely unfair. I learned that some efforts have been made by the government to relax the policy， but because system-wide reform has great social and economic consequences， China still has a long way to go before a more equitable and reasonable solution is possible. My interest in political economics and public policymaking stems largely from my childhood encounter with the hukou system.

評析：結(jié)尾段從“戶口”這個主題自然引申出自己留學的動機，與所申請的專業(yè)公共政策緊密結(jié)合。刪除上一段中的敗筆，全文不失為一篇完美的例文。