主持人_王眾 鄧茗文

Personal Essay

主持人_王眾 鄧茗文

從本期開始，本欄目將為讀者呈現(xiàn)一篇文書的提升過程，以及PS的寫作TIPS。

In the past 22 years, I’m proud to say what I’m pursuing represents【改為“what I have pursued has always represented”】who I am, and what I’m going to become【改為“and seek to become”】. Fortunately, my life time passion and long-time goals【改為“l(fā)ife’s passion and goals”】have always been the same【same后面插入“, to make this world better by becoming an engineer”】. And there is no coincidence【It is no coincidence】that【that后面插入“as a child,”】I was fascinated by the high development of electric technologies when I was little, since advancements in technology【改為“such advancements”】have enabled my family businesses to compete with other larger counterparts during the past ten years, and such a passion has continued deeply within electric technology, which ONCE MADE THIS A BETTER WORL D, I WANT TO MAKE IT BETTER. Thus, I chose【改為“. The influence of this technology in my youth is what led me to choose”】Electrical Engineering and Automation as my major in university without any hesitancy, even though my outstanding performance in college entrance examination allowed me to have various options.【改為“while my passion has helped me to achieve outstanding marks in my education.”】

Since entering the Department of Electrical Engineering at XXX University (Top 5 University in electrical engineering in China),【改為“one of China’s top five universities in the field”】I have made every effort to fully develop myself in my undergraduate studies. My performance in advanced math and the foundation courses of electrical science and technology engineering are all【改為“have all been”】among the best in my class. Furthermore, studying these undergraduate courses is more than just interesting, but opened me one gate after another to【改為“interesting subjects has paved the way towards greater depths in”】the academic wonderland. I enjoyed deducing formulas of each Electrical theory (no matter it is basic or complex), to review the effectiveness of the genius scientists in achieving the【改為“no matter basic or complex, to create advanced theories and to review those of the skillful scientists in order to achieve”】goals and to emulate their ingenious ways to solve problems. I became further motivated by the advanced seminars and experiments within my undergraduate study.【改為“The advanced seminars and experiments within my undergraduate study have further motivated me.”】

王眾

廣東外語外貿(mào)大學(xué)英語專業(yè)本科，英國卡迪夫大學(xué)國際新聞系碩士，曾DIY申請資料，了解文書寫 作。

《留學(xué)》點評

本篇是比較不錯的專業(yè)類申請PS，工科同學(xué)讀起來可能會碰到熟悉的內(nèi)容。除了語言的細(xì)節(jié)性提升外，《留學(xué)》對于此類PS的書寫有兩個結(jié)構(gòu)上的建議。第一，也許專業(yè)術(shù)語已經(jīng)足夠證明你的學(xué)術(shù)修養(yǎng)，但是不妨突出描述一些重要的學(xué)術(shù)成果，比如文中提到的畢業(yè)論文和本科階段參與的博士水平的研究項目；并且作為背景，介紹該領(lǐng)域在中外的研究環(huán)境中的差異。第二，請重視拉近與所申請學(xué)校的關(guān)心，比如通過闡明該校最吸引你的課程和研究項目，以及提出未來的學(xué)習(xí)計劃，來表達(dá)自己確實了解這個學(xué)校和院系。針對這位學(xué)生的情況，可以將自己的學(xué)習(xí)計劃與家族生意的發(fā)展規(guī)劃做個結(jié)合。

My greatest accomplishments and joy through my bachelor thesis projects of the forefront innovation and latest technology in power systems, which further ignited my passion for further study. 【改為“to date have all been in the projects and research I have undertaken. Throughout these past several years, I have studied the latest technologies that are also at the forefront of innovation in power systems; what I have found has ignited my passion for more advanced study even more than ever before.”】With dedicated commitment to this field and understanding in the low frequency oscillation phenomenain power systems, I have made continuous efforts to improve my laboratory skills by taking every step of the project seriously. My curiosity was triggered by research on three kinds of power system stabilizer (PSS) deployment methods. Currently, there is no comprehensive comparison among these three and it is necessary to point out each method’s advantages and disadvantages and application scope and, therefore,【改為“, disadvantages and application scope. Because of this,”】I started my research. Working with other undergraduate students, I felt both pressure and excitement. To fi t in the pioneering researches, I fed myself with piles of【改為“In order to get involved in the pioneering research, I absorbed related knowledge from scholarly”】papers and textbooks such as Power System Steady-State Analysis, Power System Transient Analysis, Electrical Machinery, Electromechanical Process, and discussed with PhDs and professors for every details concerned with this project. I can’t remember how many sunny afternoons were spent in library and how many movies nights were skipped to continue my gorging on food of academic enlightenment. I have to admit that there are some diff i culties during this process. With little help, I have to study MATLAB【改為“. Then, I discussed every detail concerning the project with PhD students and professors who were also working on it. Although there were some difficulties during this process,such as grasping the concepts behind MATLAB, I managed to work through them,”】mostly on my own【own后面插入“,”】and designed the simulation of the power system in limited time. But all the efforts were paid off in concrete results. Not only have I improved my understanding in electrical engineering, but I fi nished my bachelor thesis with a satisf i ed result.【改為“In the end, all of my efforts paid off in concrete results. Not only have I improved my understanding in electrical engineering, but I finished my bachelor thesis with a satisfied outcome.”】Besides programming, I have always enjoyed research on【on后面插入“the”】innovations of electronic design. It involves the combination of multiple academic subjects and the integration of multiple technologies which represent the developmental direction of electrical technology. For the last four years, I have participated in several school projects and gained a patent：【改為“a technical patent for”】Electric Pesticide Spray Machine (Publication number CN202618094 U). Not just the color or translucence or the shape of the shell, but a technical patent with the goal of helping people, and that was at the core of the innovation the day I started.【改為“which I created with the goal of helping people.”】Moreover, during my summer and winter vacations, I took part in various internship programs in the local electrical equipment factories and companies. Among all the things relevant to a professional career, the challenging and stressful nature filled with actions and contributions to scientific development and overall social progress are the things I liked most. I cherished all of my experience in actual practice, finishing such a project not only makes【改為“Finishing such hands-on projects not only made”】me feel appreciated, but also made me become more prepared for future graduate study.

However, the limited knowledge in my undergraduate study cannot satisfy me and【改為“l(fā)imitations of the nature of undergraduate studies have not satisfied my appetite for knowledge. More importantly,”】the unique and imaginative approaches to solve problems in electrical engineering fascinate me constantly and have greatly inf l uenced on way of thinking, so I made my mind to acquire a strong academic foundation in an advanced program.【改為“my way of thinking. Because of these things, I have made up my mind to acquire a stronger academic foundation in an advanced program.”】My family businesses also need to introduce the advanced technology, which requires me to go into the forefront of this industry with【改為“be frequently introduced to advanced technology, which requires me to obtain”】a more profound understanding of this fi eld. There is no doubt that I will finally be the chief of the company, but I always think【改為“firmly believe that”】a promising manager needs to have the engineering background plus the management knowledge, so that one could use the models and methods in engineering to deal with the practical problem beyond engineering field.【改為“in both management and engineering so that any potential issues can be dealt with in a practical and informed manner.”】

When I got first glimpse on the program of system engineering in the graduate school of University of XXX, I was deeply impressed not only by strong faculty and strong capabilities of science and technology, but also its training object is consistent with my career planning. Hence, it becomes my first choice. 【改為“Ever since first coming across the program of Systems Engineering at the University of XXX, I have been deeply impressed by the strong faculty and capabilities in science and technology, as well as by the university’s training objectives, which are consistent with my career planning.”】

After the【改為“With the university’s”】well-designed【改為“state-of-the-art”】graduate curriculum and well-equipped laboratories, I believe I shall gain my training and equipment for my career and my dreams.【改為“I will achieve my career goals and dreams.”】Through M.S. degree program with advanced preparation for professional practice or continued graduate study, I will gain not only a solid academic foundation in system engineering but also practical【I gain not only an advanced academic background in systems engineering, but also practical and professional】experiences in applying technology to solving real-life problems as well as a global view, and continue to contribute to the world.