by Claudia Infusino 譯/張玲

At twenty-four， I had just finished school， was planning my wedding and felt fully in control of my life. I thought I had it all—an education， a wonderful fiancé， a great family—but I would soon learn that I had breast cancer， too.

The beginning of 2009 had been filled with lots of things to look forward to. My social life was just as it always was—nights out to concerts， hanging out with friends， watching films， blogging—and on top of that1） I was starting to think about my wedding and planning for my career.

Having just finished the Book & Magazine Publishing program at Centennial College2）， I was getting my first real taste of the working world as an intern at Faze Magazine， and was feeling as if Id done the right thing by going back to school after graduating from U of T3）. Although I was getting married and preparing for real adulthood， I still felt young and alive， and was so excited to get ready for the next chapter of my life.

Late one night in June of that year I happened to watch Elegy4）， a film where a woman （played by Penelope Cruz5）） gets breast cancer. When it was over， I took a shower and then suddenly， under my soapy hand， I felt a hard little piece of something near my right breast， close to my armpit6）. Perhaps I was subconsciously more aware because of the movie I had just seen， but I was sure there was something strange there and knew I had never noticed it before. The next morning I went to see my doctor， and she sent me to have a mammogram7）.

The mammogram results were inconclusive8）， but to be safe I had a biopsy9） done. On July 15th， a breast specialist looked me straight in the eye and told me it was cancer.

Shock. Fear. Disbelief.

Despite my soup bowl of emotions， from the moment I heard those words the recovery ball was already rolling. The good thing about getting breast cancer at 24 is that people are interested and want to be involved.

I was sent for tests， scans and injections， and a month later underwent surgery that left me with about a quarter of my breast gone. Bummer10）， right？ Obviously. But the good news was， with it went the little tiny tumour11）， less than 9 millimetres small.

This mindset12） of looking on the bright side had been my mentality since the beginning. Was I going to allow my diagnosis to be the end of my happiness？ No. Why？ Because I just refused to let it get in the way of all the good stuff I had going on. I mean， come on， I had a wedding to plan！ I thought about the love of my life， David， and exchanging vows and whenever I felt sick or tired or ugly from the chemotherapy13） I remembered what was to come and what ought to be.

A lot of people would ask me if I was upset about getting cancer， but I would always say， “Upset at who？ At what？” Theres no one to point the finger at.

My belief is that my body is science and sometimes things misfire14）. Im no better than anyone else—people get sick all the time， and I just happened to be one of them. Being angry wasnt going to change anything， and it certainly wasnt going to make everything just disappear.

Dont get me wrong； there were plenty of times I would look in the mirror， stare at my bald head， at the incisions15） the surgery left me with and think to myself， “How can this be happening？” Some days felt like the end of treatments would never come. I would have trouble staying focused， and spent the occasional day feeling sorry for myself while binging16） on the couch. But there were also times， sitting in the Odette Cancer Centre at Sunnybrook， looking around at all the other people， that I realized I wasnt the only one on the planet going through it and—more specifically—I had good people around me， friends and family， as well as age on my side. Some patients were all alone and in a lot worse shape than me. Those were the moments I would gain perspective and remember that this wasnt going to be the end of the world.

With that in mind， I realized that I could take back control over my life by doing the right things and having the right outlook. I knew that the cancer was already there， but I thought about what I could do for myself aside from the treatments. For instance， I immediately looked for information about the right foods to eat and completely changed my diet—which Im still following， and I feel healthier than ever！

I never wanted my diagnosis to be something sad， or limiting， so I decided to have some fun with it and instead of just letting my hair fall out from chemotherapy， I cut my long， brown hair really short and dyed it platinum blonde. Taking that action gave me a sense of choice. And that， ultimately， is how I got through everything. I always knew I had a CHOICE. I could choose to be miserable and feel bad for myself， or， I could choose to stay positive and look at all the things I was lucky for.

I was lucky I caught it early， before it spread. I was lucky to get great medical attention and care. I was lucky to have a supportive and loving family. I was lucky to have the best friend in the entire universe anyone could ever dream of. I was lucky to have a man who loved me enough to stand by me. Maybe these things seem small compared to the weight of a cancer diagnosis， but that is the whole point： choosing to perceive it all in a healthy way.

The biggest decision I made that really helped me was deciding not to cancel my wedding. Despite not knowing how I would feel or look when the big day would arrive， I knew that if I changed the date I would only be letting the cancer defeat me.

And knowing I had such a huge thing to look forward to kept me motivated. It even led me to start an intense workout regime17） after chemotherapy because the treatment left me so weak. I had so much energy at the reception I danced until 2 am. I felt and looked amazing， because I chose to. So what if I had to wear a wig？ I was marrying the most incredible man， and got to share that day with everyone close to me. Those were the important things.

Its only been a few months since Ive finished all my treatments， and Ive already accomplished so much： Ive had my wedding， a 23-day European honeymoon， moved into a condo in the city and started a new job. But there are always endless things to look forward to.

With all the things I will go through， and no matter what comes my way18）， I always remind myself that although the present can be tough， at some point， Im going to look back and take it as a past experience. For me， now， breast cancer was just another thing Ive gone through.

24歲的時候，我剛從學(xué)校畢業(yè)，正在籌劃自己的婚禮，感覺生活一切盡在掌握中。我以為自己已擁有完美的人生——受過高等教育，有一個優(yōu)秀的未婚夫，還有一個幸福的家庭。但是，沒過多久，我得知我還有了乳癌。

2009年初，我的生活充滿各種期待。我的社交生活還是一如既往：晚上出去聽音樂會，和朋友外出小聚，看電影，寫博客。除此之外，我還開始考慮我的婚禮，并著手規(guī)劃我的職業(yè)生涯。

我剛完成百年理工學(xué)院圖書與雜志出版課程的學(xué)習(xí)，正以Faze雜志實習(xí)生的身份第一次真正感受職場的一切。我覺得自己當(dāng)初從多倫多大學(xué)畢業(yè)后重返校園學(xué)習(xí)似乎是個正確的選擇。雖然我馬上就要步入婚姻的殿堂，準備迎接真正的成人生活，但我仍然覺得自己年輕無限、充滿活力，十分興奮地準備迎接我人生的新篇章。

那年6月的一天深夜，我碰巧看了一部電影《挽歌》，里面的一個女人（佩內(nèi)洛普·克魯茲飾演）得了乳癌?？赐觌娪昂?，我去沖了個澡。我忽然覺得我那只涂滿肥皂的手在右側(cè)乳房附近靠近腋窩的地方摸到了一個小硬塊。或許我是因為剛看了那部電影，潛意識里更警覺，但我肯定那個地方有點異樣，并且知道我以前從來沒有注意到這個問題。第二天上午，我去看了醫(yī)生，她讓我去做一個乳房X光檢查。

X光檢查結(jié)果并沒有下什么結(jié)論，但為了安全起見，我又做了一個切片檢查。7月15日，一位乳腺方面的專家直視著我的眼睛，告訴我，我得了癌癥。

一時間我感到震驚，害怕，不敢相信。

盡管我內(nèi)心百感交集，但其實從我得知自己得了癌癥那一刻起，我的康復(fù)計劃就已經(jīng)啟動了。24歲患乳癌的一個好處在于大家都感興趣，并希望參與治療。

我被送去接受各種檢查、掃描和注射。一個月后，我接受了外科手術(shù)，手術(shù)使我失去了大約四分之一的乳房。糟透了，是嗎？顯然是的。但好消息是，隨之而去的還有那不到九毫米大小的小腫瘤。

從一開始，我就保持著往好處想的樂觀心態(tài)。我會允許這個診斷結(jié)果終結(jié)我的幸福嗎？不會。為什么？因為我的生活中有這么多美好的東西，我決不會讓它妨礙這一切。我的意思是，別忘了，我還有一個婚禮要籌劃呢！我會想到大衛(wèi)——我生命中的摯愛，想到我們即將交換的誓言。每當(dāng)我因為化療覺得不舒服、疲憊或變丑時，我就會記起我即將迎來的幸福生活以及生活本該有的狀態(tài)。

很多人都會問我，得了癌癥我是否會感到煩惱。但我總是說：“對誰煩??？煩什么啊？”在這件事情上，我無法指責(zé)任何人。

我相信我的身體就跟科學(xué)實驗一樣，有時出問題在所難免。我并不比其他人好——每時每刻都有人生病，而我只不過恰巧是他們中的一個。生氣改變不了任何事情，當(dāng)然也不會讓這一切消失。

但請別誤會。我也曾很多次站在鏡子前，盯著自己光禿禿的腦袋和手術(shù)后留下的疤痕，自忖道：“怎么會發(fā)生這樣的事呢？”有些日子我覺得結(jié)束治療的那一刻永遠不會到來了。偶爾某一天，我會難以集中精力做事，然后一邊坐在沙發(fā)上暴飲暴食，一邊為自己感到難過。但也有的時候，當(dāng)我坐在森尼布魯克的奧德特癌癥中心里環(huán)視周圍的其他患者時，我會意識到，我并不是這個世界上唯一一個經(jīng)受這一切的人。更具體點說，我不僅有年齡上的優(yōu)勢，而且身邊有很多幫助我的好人陪伴——我的朋友和家人。有些患者則是完全孤零零地自己面對，而且身體狀況比我糟得多。這時候我會獲得看問題的新視角，并銘記得癌癥并不意味著世界末日來臨。

有了這樣的想法，我意識到只要做正確的事，抱有正確的人生觀，我就可以重新掌控自己的生活。我知道患癌癥的事實已經(jīng)無法改變，但除了接受治療，我也在考慮我還能為自己做些什么。例如，我馬上著手尋找關(guān)于吃什么食物合適的信息，并徹底改變了我的飲食習(xí)慣——我現(xiàn)在依然遵循著這樣的飲食習(xí)慣，并感覺自己比任何時候都健康！

我從不希望我的診斷結(jié)果成為我的傷心事或限制我的生活，所以我決定藉此找些樂子。我沒有聽?wèi){我的頭發(fā)因為化療不斷脫落，而是主動把我的棕色長發(fā)剪得非常短，還染成了淡金黃色。這樣的行為讓我覺得自己有選擇的權(quán)利。從根本上來說，那也是我成功經(jīng)受這一切的方法和途徑。我始終明白，我是可以“選擇”的！我可以選擇傷心痛苦，自怨自艾；我也可以選擇積極樂觀，多想想發(fā)生在我身上的那些幸運事。

我很幸運，我在癌癥擴散之前及早發(fā)現(xiàn)了病情。我很幸運，我受到了醫(yī)生的高度關(guān)注，獲得了很好的照顧。我很幸運，我有支持我、愛我的家人。我很幸運，我擁有這個世界上最好的朋友，擁有這樣的摯友是每個人夢寐以求的。我很幸運，有一個男人愛我至深，對我不離不棄。也許和一紙癌癥診斷書這樣一個重磅炸彈相比，這些看起來都算不了什么，但這正是意義所在：選擇用一種健康的方式看待這一切。

這期間我作出的一個最重大也是對我極有幫助的決定是不取消婚禮。盡管我不知道當(dāng)那個重大日子來臨時，我的身體狀況會如何，我的容貌會怎樣，但我知道，如果我改變婚期，我只會被癌癥打敗。

知道有這樣一件大事可以期待，我變得動力十足。我甚至為此在化療結(jié)束后開始了一項高強度的體能訓(xùn)練計劃，因為一系列治療使我的身體變得非常虛弱。到了婚宴那天，我精力充沛，跳舞跳到了凌晨兩點。那天我感覺棒極了，整個人看起來容光煥發(fā)，因為我選擇成為這樣的人。就算那天我必須戴著假發(fā)，又有什么關(guān)系呢？我要嫁給這個世界上最棒的男人，我要和所有親近的人分享這一天——這些才是最重要的。

僅僅幾個月前，我才結(jié)束所有的治療。但我已經(jīng)完成了這么多的事情：我舉行了婚禮，去歐洲度了23天的蜜月，搬進了城里的一處新公寓，開始了一份新工作。但生活中總有無數(shù)的事情讓我期待。

不管未來我要經(jīng)歷什么，無論我的人生會遇到什么，我始終會提醒自己，雖然目前生活艱難，但將來某個時候回頭看時，我只會將它看成是過去的一段經(jīng)歷?，F(xiàn)在對于我來說，乳癌只不過是我生命中剛剛經(jīng)歷的又一件事而已。

1. on top of that：除此之外

2. Centennial College：百年理工學(xué)院，位于加拿大多倫多市，已有34年的建校歷史。

3. U of T：即多倫多大學(xué)（University of Toronto）

4. Elegy：《挽歌》，西班牙著名導(dǎo)演伊莎貝爾·科賽特（Isabel Coixet）2007年拍攝的影片，講述的是一位名叫大衛(wèi)·科佩什的文藝評論家兼大學(xué)講師在古稀之年陷入師生戀后引起的各種感情糾葛。文中提到的女人是這位男主角的前妻。

5. Penelope Cruz：佩內(nèi)洛普·克魯茲（1974～），西班牙好萊塢著名演員，2007年憑借電影《回歸》（Volver）入圍奧斯卡、金球獎及英國電影學(xué)院獎最佳女主角，2009年憑借電影《午夜巴塞羅那》（Vicky Cristina Barcelona）奪得奧斯卡金像獎以及英國電影學(xué)院獎的最佳女配角獎。

6. armpit [?ɑ?mp?t] n. 腋窩

7. mammogram [?m?m?ɡr?m] n. 乳房X線照片

8. inconclusive [??nk?n?klu?s?v] adj. 不確定的，非決定性的

9. biopsy [?ba??psi] n. 切片檢查

10. bummer [?b?m?（r）] n. 失望，失敗，不愉快的事件（或經(jīng)歷、局面等）

11. tumour [?tju?m?（r）] n. 腫瘤

12. mindset [?ma?ndset] n. 頭腦，精神，情緒

13. chemotherapy [?ki?m???θer?pi] n. 化學(xué)療法

14. misfire [?m?s?fa??（r）] vi. 失敗，不奏效

15. incision [?n?s??n] n. 切口，傷痕，疤痕

16. binge [b?nd?] vi. 暴飲暴食

17. regime [re???i?m] n. 生活制度

18. come ones way：（某事）發(fā)生在某人身上