by Michael Wright 譯/劉志良

英國(guó)人，法國(guó)人——?dú)v史上的種種糾葛積淀成他們之間剪不斷理還亂的微妙關(guān)系。盡管如此，法國(guó)南部的陽光、美酒與美食還是吸引了一批批英國(guó)游客跨越英吉利海峽。他們一頭扎進(jìn)法國(guó)，渴望融入其中，卻常常被當(dāng)?shù)厝艘谎劭创Ｈ豚l(xiāng)隨俗說起來容易，做起來可遠(yuǎn)沒有你想象得那么簡(jiǎn)單……

Last week， the local supermarket in Jolibois had sold out of both fresh milk and white wine. This can mean only one thing： Britons of a certain age were back in town. So， as another wave of les Anglais descends on France for a late-summer dose of cheap wine， steak frites and sunburn， I hereby proffer2） a few tips on how to tread lightly3） here， for the benefit of those among my fellow countrymen who would rather mingle with the natives than be shot as spies—I mean， spotted as étrangers4）. There are， after all， still a few people left who would rather appreciate and absorb the subtle nuances of a foreign culture， than blast them aside with the sheer force of their Englishness.

If you are wondering what on earth qualifies me to do this， you are absolutely right： even now， after nine years in rural France， I cannot walk down the street without being rumbled5） as an Anglais from 50 paces， long before I have opened my mouth. Undaunted， I am still doing my best to blend in.

Dress

In France， the quickest way to spot an Anglais is that hell be the one with the belly and the shirt hanging out. Indeed， the staple garment for Britons arriving at Limoges airport seems to be a shapeless black T-shirt， either baggy enough to disguise the space hopper6） beneath， or else confidently stretched across it， as if it were an orange in a sock. The modal7） garment for women of all ages， even the middle-aged who should know better， appears to be a saggy white T-shirt which dangles8） low enough to cover the bottom， and lots of jangly jewellery. The rural French are rather less casual in their approach to casual dress. T-shirts tend to have collars and be tucked in； shorts have buttons and zips rather than drawstrings9） and elastic； shoes dont look cheap. In England we used to call this look Smart Casual10）； these days， what with11） inflation and everything， we have bumped it up to Smart.

Shaking hands

I always try to be ready to shake hands with anything that moves. This takes some nerve， and can misfire but， on balance12）， people are more likely to consider the gesture charming than alarming， as they rack13） their brains to think where they have met you before.

Kissing

If you think you know someone well enough to kiss them， but arent quite sure， the secret is to lean forward almost imperceptibly14）， and see whether they reciprocate15） or remain glacially still. Britons are known for being a bit quick to kiss. A slap in the face means that， on balance， you probably should have shaken hands.

Lunch

Britons think of lunchtime as 1 pm， but for the French it is midday. This may explain the pained expressions and air being sucked through teeth if you arrive at a local restaurant at 1：30 pm. Most places dont have ranks of casual staff. Theres probably just le patron16） and his wife， doing all the cooking and serving between them. Once shown to your table， do your best to sit tight. Dont wave or snap your fingers， and try to forget that you once had a vocab book in which the French for waiter was “gar?on.” Brits tend to imagine that one must fight to be served； that its all about attracting the waiters attention more manfully than the poor chap at the table next door. But a basket of bread and a carafe17） of water will come， and the waiter will take your order according to the rhythm of the place. Have faith. Pushiness is the quickest route to being ignored.

Bars

Rural bars are largely deserted since the smoking ban. French lads dont go out drinking at night， and the French ladette18） has yet to be invented. The few French customers are the ones standing at the bar， sipping their demis. The Brits are the ones at the tables outside. They have all ordered une grande bière， because the standard-size version does not chime19） with their idea of what constitutes true manliness.

Bonne journée

The French equivalent of that much-derided20） Americanism： “Have a nice day.” It is invariably uttered by the supermarket checkout lady when she gives you your receipt and your vouchers21） for derisory22） reductions on products you spurn23）. Most Brits seem to let it go， but the French， without fail， say “merci” in response. I like to add “et vous aussi” for good measure24）， though this probably marks me out as a Martian.

Being invited to someones house

The rural French arrive on time， and turn their cars around before they park. Be warned， if you are late， that you may arrive to find that nobody else has been offered a drink because the host was waiting for you. This is so hideously embarrassing that sometimes I sit up in bed in the middle of the night， eyes wide open， drenched in sweat， as the horror comes back to me. By the same token25）， many guests make a habit of leaving at midnight on the dot26）， even if you are in the middle of a sentence.

Wine

Here in the Limousin at least， the locals drink only red； white wine is left for the Brits. There is still some ridiculous snobbery about buying wine from supermarkets， too. Thus， if you are giving a bottle of wine as a present， it is preferable if it has only a single label， to show that it has come directly from the vineyard， or else from a specialist wine-seller. An extra label on the back， describing how the wine is best served at 3°C to accompany pike27）， barn owl28） and smelly cheese， is a sure sign that you have been darkening the doors29） of the evil supermarket again. In extremis30）， steam the bloody thing off.

Cycling

If you wish to cycle in France， it is obligatory to do so in full Lycra31） with all the logos； shaved legs； gritted32） teeth； the works33）. Sideburns34） help， obviously. Many cyclists dont wear helmets， but there is a sensible law which obliges motorists to leave at least a metre of space when overtaking a cyclist in towns， and a metre-and-a-half in the countryside. As it happens35）， this rule also applies if youre overtaking a cart drawn by oxen， a mounted horseman， or a cat which happens to be going for a stroll. Where the law is not clear is how much space you must leave if you are a cat driving an ox-cart that is overtaking a car.

上周，若利布瓦鎮(zhèn)當(dāng)?shù)爻械孽r牛奶和白葡萄酒都售罄了。這只能說明一件事：一群韶華不再的英國(guó)人又來到了鎮(zhèn)上。那么，鑒于又一波英國(guó)人空降法國(guó)，來享受夏末物美價(jià)廉的葡萄酒、牛排加薯?xiàng)l和陽光，我特此提出關(guān)于在這里如何謹(jǐn)言慎行的幾點(diǎn)建議。這全是為了我的一些英國(guó)同胞考慮，他們更愿意與當(dāng)?shù)厝舜虺梢黄?，而不是被?dāng)作間諜處決——我是說被發(fā)現(xiàn)是外國(guó)人。畢竟還是有一些人愿意欣賞并吸納外國(guó)文化的微妙之處，而不是用他們英國(guó)氣息的強(qiáng)大力量將其蕩平。

如果你納悶我究竟有什么資格來提建議，那么你的質(zhì)疑完全合理：雖然我在法國(guó)鄉(xiāng)村已經(jīng)待了九年，但如今的我走在大街上，還沒等開口說話，別人就能從50步開外的地方認(rèn)出我是個(gè)英國(guó)人。不過我毫不氣餒，仍在盡最大的努力融入法國(guó)。

著裝

在法國(guó)，辨別英國(guó)人最快捷的方式是看看誰的肚子和襯衫會(huì)鼓起來。的確，抵達(dá)利摩日機(jī)場(chǎng)的英國(guó)人基本都穿著沒型的黑色T恤。T恤要么很寬松，能夠遮住下面充氣彈球一樣的肚子；要么很自信地繃在肚子上面，讓肚子看上去就像裝在短襪中的一個(gè)橘子。各個(gè)年齡段的女性——甚至包括應(yīng)當(dāng)明白事理的中年女性——的典型裝束似乎就是一件松垮的白色T恤，低垂到能蓋住臀部，以及很多叮叮當(dāng)當(dāng)?shù)闹閷?。法?guó)鄉(xiāng)下人穿便裝的方式都沒這么隨便：T恤一般都是帶領(lǐng)子的，并且要扎在腰帶里；短褲是帶紐扣和拉鏈的，而不是用拉繩和松緊帶；鞋子看上去也不是便宜貨。在英國(guó)，我們?cè)?jīng)把這種裝扮稱為“商務(wù)休閑裝”。如今，由于通貨膨脹等種種原因，我們已經(jīng)將其提升為“商務(wù)裝”了。

握手

我總是盡力做好與任何活物握手的準(zhǔn)備。這需要一些勇氣，而且可能事與愿違，但總的來說，人們更有可能覺得這個(gè)姿勢(shì)討人喜歡而非使人驚恐，同時(shí)他們會(huì)絞盡腦汁地想他們?cè)谀睦镆娺^你。

親吻

如果你覺得自己和某人足夠熟悉，想要親吻他們，卻又不是很確定時(shí)，秘訣就是以幾乎難以察覺的角度前傾，看看他們是回應(yīng)你，還是冷冰冰地站著不動(dòng)。英國(guó)人有些急于親吻，這是人盡皆知的。如果你被打了一耳光，那通常說明，你或許本該握手來著。

午餐

英國(guó)人認(rèn)為午餐時(shí)間是下午1點(diǎn)，而對(duì)法國(guó)人來說，午餐時(shí)間是正午。這或許可以解釋為什么英國(guó)人在下午1：30到達(dá)一家當(dāng)?shù)夭宛^時(shí)會(huì)面露痛苦的表情，倒吸一口氣。多數(shù)餐館沒有大批的臨時(shí)工，可能只有老板和老板娘，兩人負(fù)責(zé)所有的烹飪和上菜工作。一旦你被帶到了桌位，要盡量坐著靜靜地等。不要揮手或打響指，努力忘掉你曾經(jīng)有本詞匯書，里面寫著法語里服務(wù)員叫“gar?on”。英國(guó)人往往誤以為顧客必須努力爭(zhēng)取才會(huì)有人給上菜，認(rèn)為最重要的是要比鄰桌那個(gè)可憐的家伙表現(xiàn)得更勇猛來吸引服務(wù)員的注意。但在法國(guó)，服務(wù)員會(huì)先端上來一籃面包和一瓶水，然后會(huì)根據(jù)餐館的節(jié)奏來讓你點(diǎn)菜。要有信心，愛催促的人最容易被忽略。

酒吧

自從禁煙以來，鄉(xiāng)間酒吧基本上空無一人。法國(guó)小伙子們晚上不會(huì)出去喝酒，而法國(guó)假小子們尚不存在。為數(shù)不多的幾個(gè)法國(guó)顧客會(huì)站在吧臺(tái)旁邊呷著demi （指容量為半升的啤酒杯）。英國(guó)人則會(huì)坐在外面的桌子旁邊。他們都點(diǎn)了une grande bière （一大杯啤酒），因?yàn)闃?biāo)準(zhǔn)杯與他們所認(rèn)為的真正的男子漢氣概不搭調(diào)。

Bonne journée （祝你一天愉快）

這句法語對(duì)應(yīng)的是備受嘲諷的那句美國(guó)式表達(dá)：“Have a nice day.”超市收銀臺(tái)的女士總是會(huì)說這句話，同時(shí)遞給你收據(jù)和代金券——代金券金額少得可憐，而且能買的都是你不屑一顧的商品。大多數(shù)英國(guó)人似乎會(huì)把這句話當(dāng)耳邊風(fēng)，但法國(guó)人必定會(huì)說句“merci”（謝謝）來回應(yīng)。我喜歡額外再加上一句“et vous aussi”（您也一樣），盡管這么做可能讓我被歸為火星人。

應(yīng)邀做客

在法國(guó)鄉(xiāng)村，人們會(huì)準(zhǔn)時(shí)到達(dá)，并會(huì)把車頭調(diào)過來后再停車。注意，如果你遲到了，那么你到的時(shí)候可能會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)大家都還沒喝上飲料，因?yàn)橹魅嗽诘饶?。這真是讓人難堪至極，以至于有時(shí)我會(huì)半夜從床上坐起來，睜大眼睛，汗流浹背，因?yàn)槲矣煮w會(huì)到了那種恐懼。同樣地，很多客人養(yǎng)成了午夜準(zhǔn)時(shí)告辭的習(xí)慣，哪怕你一句話才說了一半。

葡萄酒

至少在利穆贊這個(gè)地方，當(dāng)?shù)厝酥缓燃t葡萄酒，白葡萄酒是留給英國(guó)人的。對(duì)于從超市買葡萄酒，人們也仍抱有某種可笑的勢(shì)利觀念。因此，如果你要把一瓶葡萄酒當(dāng)禮物送出去，那酒瓶上最好只有一個(gè)標(biāo)簽，以此表明這瓶酒直接來自葡萄園，或者來自一家專門的葡萄酒經(jīng)銷商。如果酒瓶背面多一個(gè)標(biāo)簽，寫著該葡萄酒最佳飲用溫度是三度，并最好搭配狗魚、倉(cāng)鸮和臭奶酪飲用，那顯然表明你又一次光顧了邪惡的超市。在緊要關(guān)頭，用蒸汽把那該死的標(biāo)簽弄掉吧。

騎自行車

如果你打算在法國(guó)騎自行車，必須全身穿著商標(biāo)齊全的萊卡服裝，剃過腿毛，咬緊牙關(guān)，裝備一應(yīng)俱全。連鬢胡子顯然能在這方面幫上忙。很多騎自行車的人不戴頭盔，但有一項(xiàng)明智的法律規(guī)定汽車司機(jī)在市區(qū)超越騎車人時(shí)，須與之保持至少1米的距離，在鄉(xiāng)間要保持至少1.5米的距離。如果你碰巧在超越一輛牛車、一個(gè)騎馬的人或者一只碰巧正在散步的貓時(shí)，這個(gè)規(guī)定同樣適用。不過，如果你是一只趕著牛車的貓，正在超越一輛汽車，那需要保持多遠(yuǎn)的距離，法律倒沒有明確規(guī)定。

1. les Anglais：法語，意為“英國(guó)人”。

2. proffer [?pr?f?（r）] vt. 提供，提出

3. tread lightly：小心處理

4. étranger：法語，意為“外國(guó)人”。

5. rumble [?r?mb（?）l] vt. 〈英俚〉察覺；看穿

6. space hopper：充氣彈跳球，一種兒童玩具

7. modal [?m??d（?）l] adj. 代表性的，典型的

8. dangle [?d??ɡ（?）l] vi. 懸垂；懸蕩

9. drawstring [?dr???str??] n. （裝于袋口、衣服腰部等處的）拉繩，束帶

10. Smart Casual：出席特定場(chǎng)合的一種穿著要求，泛指一種“體面”的休閑穿著，介乎正裝與便裝之間。

11. what with：因?yàn)?/p>

12. on balance：總的說來

13. rack [r?k] vt. 折磨，使痛苦

14. imperceptibly [??mp?（r）?sept?bli] adv. 難以察覺地

15. reciprocate [r??s?pr?ke?t] vi. 回報(bào)；還禮

16. patron [?pe?tr?n] n. （尤指法國(guó)的）旅店（或飯店、酒吧）老板

17. carafe [k??r?f] n. 玻璃水瓶

18. ladette [l?d?et] n. 假小子；社會(huì)行為和男青少年或年輕男性相似的年輕女性

19. chime [t?a?m] vi. 協(xié)調(diào)，一致

20. deride [d??ra?d] vt. 嘲笑，嘲弄

21. voucher [?va?t??（r）] n. 代金券，購(gòu)物券

22. derisory [d??ra?s?ri] adj. 荒謬可笑的，小得可笑的

23. spurn [sp??（r）n] vt. 蔑視；拒絕

24. for good measure：作為外加（或意外）的東西，附加

25. by the same token：同樣地

26. on the dot：準(zhǔn)時(shí)地，一秒不差地

27. pike [pa?k] n. [魚]狗魚

28. barn owl：[鳥]倉(cāng)鸮

29. darken sb.s door（s）：登門造訪，跨進(jìn)門檻

30. in extremis：在危急狀態(tài)中，在最緊要關(guān)頭

31. Lycra：萊卡，用于制作長(zhǎng)筒襪、游泳衣等緊身衣物的彈性纖維衣料

32. grit [ɡr?t] vt. （發(fā)怒、下決心等時(shí)）磨（牙）等；咬緊

33. the works：相關(guān)的所有事物，全部

34. sideburns [?sa?d?b??（r）nz] n. [復(fù)] （下巴無須的）短連鬢胡子

35. as it happens：恰??；令人驚奇的是