By Zhang Kangkang

My son was born in Beidahuang, or the Great Northern Wilderness (the 55,400-squarekm reclaimed land in northeast China’s Heilongjiang Province), with only one character, “Fang,” as his given name.When he was only one year old, his father and I got divorced.Since his hukou (household registration) was transferred back to Hangzhou, he had to live with his grandparents.I could only see and play with him during the holidays when I visited my family.I would bring him new clothes, toys, and snacks.Every time we met, I found he casually called me mom with much reluctance as if it was only an empty dry title.

Unsolved Matters of the Heart

Fang was reluctant to smile or talk, and tended to avoid eye contact with people, even as a child.He was depressed, frustrated, and alone throughout his childhood, with seemingly nothing to do all day long and poor school performance.Despite his grandparents’ repeated persuasion, he wouldn’t develop an interest in his studies.

During his high-school years, Fang, like most of his peers, was attracted to popular songs originating from regions like Hong Kong and Taiwan.I found out that he was a gifted singer—some of his renditions were as well sung as the original recordings.I was overjoyed by this.I told myself that a person would become motivated if he knew what he really wanted.Hence, despite my own poor taste for popular songs, I encouraged him by purchasing some tapes and hiring private vocal coaches.In order to secure the copy recorded with songs from the Taiwan pop star Gao Lingfeng, I asked my friend in Hong Kong to hunt everywhere for it.I said to my son, “If you really like singing, you should be serious about it.A real singer never copies others’ style, and you should start by learning the numbered musical notation and move on to the stave.After that, you can write music and lyrics of your own.”

At my words, he became puzzled and frustrated.We had many quarrels about his learning the numbered musical notation.I was once so angry at his careless attitudes and slow progress that I threw a songbook on the ground with force.But he just said lightly, “I sing songs just for fun, but you push me so hard.All the fun is ruined!” It left me speechless.

As a result, my plan for him ended up with failure.He remained what he was, tirelessly enjoying the tape recordings, and he practiced singing by following the Karaoke videos.

Between his late teens and early twenties, we had a difficult time getting along.Finally, I lost all my patience one day and seriously criticized him for his lack of hard work.He spat out the long-held words in his heart, “If you and Dad hadn’t broken up, I wouldn’t have been like this…”

I got stung by his words, and felt so hurt and disappointed.We had done what we could—all for his sake.His step-father even gave up the idea of having his own child.What else could we do for him?

After all, he frankly spoke up with what was on his mind.It took great courage to open the heavy and rusty door of his heart.

As his mother, I was in no position to blame him.It might take a lifetime to solve such heartbreak, for a water pipe clogged by dirt should be cleaned by water itself.

Overseas Experience

I thought Fang needed a change of environment.I should “drive” him out so that the fresh wind from the outside world could remove the dark clouds over his heart and let sails of his heart take him forward.

Later, there happened to be an opportunity for him to study Japanese in Japan.If he passed the Japanese language test, he would be accepted into a university there.When Fang learned it he was so excited that he couldn’t wait to start his Japanese language study.Soon he boarded the plane bound for Japan with determination.He was 22 that year, which marked a major turning point in his life.

During those two years, his letters from Japan reported his typical life—his part-time job and study, together with some topics like China-Japan relations—in which I was not really interested.He didn’t mention a word about what I really wanted to know, such as food, health, study and safety.I was told that he got a second-hand stereo to enjoy pop songs every night, no matter how busy he was.During his college years, he took a part-time job at a local fast food company, which not only supported his life and studies in Japan, but also earned him a little savings.I incidentally learned that his boss was kind to him, and often treated him to a glass of beer after work.Whenever Fang talked about this, he would readily argue that he didn’t realize he was a grown-up until he went to Japan.

Two years later, he suddenly wrote to me that he didn’t want to apply to any university, but planned to return to China to find a job.He seemed quite confident about his Japanese proficiency, so that no further study was needed.If he really thought so, I could weakly agree.Concerned about his loneliness in a foreign country, I was finally assured that he indeed returned out of loneliness rather than his work.With huge masses of workaholics in Japan, I was afraid that he would develop a sort of autism if he stayed there longer.An open country should offer people full freedom of coming and going—and so should an open home.

Setting Sail Again

After he returned, he looked skinny, but his head rose high and his back straightened up.His face glowed with confidence and his eyes showed more willingness to communicate.I could sense that he had changed his mind for the better.Could he grow up into an adult overnight?

Two months later, he took a job interview from a newly opened entertainment center without seeking advice from family members.He was accepted and soon promoted to the foreman.I was shocked when I learned of it.I told to myself, “Of all the jobs, why do you take the one receiving Japanese customers? I wouldn’t wish you to become a foreman, as a returned student from Japan.” The words rose to my throat but I checked them.I had to respect his own choice, and let him follow his wish because he already became a grown-up.

Several months later, he told me that he planned to serve as an interpreter in a Hangzhou-based Japanese funded enterprise, whose boss was a regular customer of the entertainment center and was well-received by Fang.After he found that Fang was an honest man with a good command of oral Japanese, he extended him an offer with the salary twice as much as that of his job at the entertainment center.Fang was soon promoted from the interpreter to the vice general manager, and he bought many books about corporate management for his self-study and managerial practice.

I came to believe that my son was a different man from what he used to be before his trip to Japan.While I was still too concerned about his weaknesses, he had already defeated them and forged ahead.What is the source of his values in life, and where is his personality from—family education or social environment?

During his one-year stay in the enterprise, he made an astonishingly rapid progress.The voice from his weekly call appeared as calm and determined as an adult.He regarded me as his colleague to exchange ideas about matters in his company.

However, it was interesting to see that he was not happy about himself even as we were content with his progress.A man’s self-dissatisfaction could be greater power to drive him forward.

Actually, he did quite a good job in that company where he maintained good relationship with the boss and co-workers.However, he realized that he was unable to handle more important work with limited Japanese language abilities, especially if he didn’t receive professional education.He needed the knowledge of modern management and improved skills in his written Japanese, as well as more general practice.He felt as if he was standing beside the vast ocean, with only an aim in mind, but hadn’t started his voyage yet.

He made a surprising decision for the whole family that he would give up his well-paid job and apply to an economics college in Japan.

I was filled with more joy than just surprise.My son was eventually motivated to study.It seems it is never too late to start, as long as a man can put himself on the right track.

In only three months, he prepared all the documents required and successfully made his way.

Before he left, some coworkers held a send-off party for him, and they confessed to him a lot of things never told before.He said he was happier that night than on the following day when the boss treated him to a farewell meal.

In the chilly April air, I went back to Hangzhou to see him off.On a clear night, we rode bicycles to Baidi for fun.At the side of the glimmering lake, he stopped for a while before he said, “Mom, just forget the stupid things I said before, I am so sorry for my childish attitudes then.”

I may not have understood what he meant, yet I should have.

“In fact, I knew long before that you became a true mom to me after you got divorced.I would follow your example to work hard, and I really appreciate that you have found a good dad for me.”

Dim was the crescent moon hanging in the sky, but it had never appeared so clear and beautiful to me.

As we both further ourselves and lives, who knows, my son’s f light might just arrive at the Tokyo airport—and start a new chapter of his journey.

(FromMy Visiting Memories, Changjiang Literature and Art Publishing House.Translation: Wang Wen)

什么時(shí)候開始都不晚

文/張抗抗

兒子出生在北大荒，單名一個(gè)“放”字。還在放放一歲的時(shí)候，我和他的父親便離異了。他的戶口辦回杭州以后，就一直同爺爺奶奶生活在一起。我每年只能在回杭州探親的日子里，帶些衣物和玩具食品，去看望他，與他玩耍。每一次見到他，總覺得他開口叫媽媽，實(shí)在叫得很勉強(qiáng)，例行公事似的，淡漠得可有可無。

心結(jié)難解

兒子從小就不愛笑，也不愛說話，更不愛與人交往。他的童年過得不快樂，一副抑抑郁郁的樣子，心事重重，形孤影單。一天到晚無所事事，學(xué)習(xí)成績(jī)總是中等偏下，老人磨破嘴皮也無法培養(yǎng)起他的學(xué)習(xí)興趣與好奇心。

到了高中時(shí)，兒子像許多年輕人一樣，迷上了港臺(tái)流行歌曲。突然就有那么一天，我們知道他竟然會(huì)唱好多好聽的歌，有幾首模仿得同磁帶一樣。這一發(fā)現(xiàn)使我欣喜若狂，我想，一個(gè)人只要找到自己喜歡做的事，就會(huì)產(chǎn)生學(xué)習(xí)的動(dòng)力。于是，自己雖然不十分欣賞流行歌曲，但也對(duì)他大加鼓勵(lì)，給他買錄音磁帶還給他找老師。為了幫他買到他酷愛的臺(tái)灣歌星高凌風(fēng)的磁帶，我拜托香港的朋友跑遍了香港街頭。我說：“你若是喜歡唱歌，你就好好唱，真正的歌手從不模仿別人的歌，你應(yīng)該從學(xué)習(xí)簡(jiǎn)譜開始，然后學(xué)五線譜，然后自己作詞作曲，然后只唱自己的歌。”

聽到這里，兒子的眼神茫然無措，繼而便暗無天日了。為了學(xué)習(xí)簡(jiǎn)譜，我和他之間發(fā)生過多次爭(zhēng)執(zhí)，他學(xué)得漫不經(jīng)心一無長(zhǎng)進(jìn)，氣得我曾狠狠把歌本摔在地上，而他卻輕飄飄地說了一句很富哲理的話：“我唱歌本是為了高興，你讓我學(xué)得這么苦，那我唱歌還有什么意思呢？”噎得我啞口無言。

自然，我所想象從樂理入門的計(jì)劃，很快徹底告吹，他依然我行我素、不厭其煩地聽著錄音帶，然后跟著卡拉OK輕松地唱出：“我不是一個(gè)壞小孩……”

從兒子十七八歲到二十一二歲這段時(shí)間，我們母子間相處得十分艱難。終于有一天，在我失去了耐心，激烈批評(píng)他不夠努力之后，他吐出了心里一直耿耿于懷的那句話：“如果……如果不是因?yàn)楦改冈谖夷敲葱〉臅r(shí)候就分手，我不會(huì)是這樣……”

這句話深深地刺傷了我。我覺得委屈和失望。為了全力關(guān)心他、愛護(hù)他，我們已經(jīng)做了所能做的一切，他的繼父甚至在沒有親生子女的情況下，做出了一個(gè)男人最大的犧牲，放棄了再要一個(gè)孩子的愿望。我們還能再為他做些什么呢？

但他畢竟坦率地說出了自己的想法。當(dāng)他啟開這扇銹鎖多年的沉重心門之時(shí)，需要多大的勇氣啊。

作為母親我沒有權(quán)利責(zé)怪他。一個(gè)攢了20年的心結(jié)，也許需要一生的時(shí)間去化解。即使水流被腐葉阻塞，淤泥最終還得靠水流自己去疏通。

單飛歷程

我想兒子是需要改換一下環(huán)境了。我得把他“放”出去，放單飛，讓外面開放世界上流動(dòng)的風(fēng)，驅(qū)散他心上的陰云，鼓動(dòng)起他的心帆。

恰好不久后就有了一個(gè)去日本學(xué)習(xí)語言的機(jī)會(huì)，兩年后若是日語通過考試，可以再升入日本的大學(xué)。兒子得知這個(gè)消息，興奮得毫不猶豫。他躍躍欲試地開始學(xué)習(xí)日語，然后勇敢地登上飛機(jī)東渡扶桑，開始了他求學(xué)的生涯。那年他22歲，那是他人生的一次重大轉(zhuǎn)折。

兩年中，來自日本的平安家書報(bào)告著上學(xué)打工千篇一律的日子，只是字里行間多了一些你并不太關(guān)心的日中關(guān)系之類，你作為父母極想知道的諸如飲食、身體、功課，包括地震，卻只字不提。聽人說他撿拾了一臺(tái)廢棄的音響，無論多忙，每晚依然很瀟灑、很專注地欣賞那些流行的磁帶。兩年中，他竟然安之若素地始終服務(wù)于一家快餐公司，打工掙錢交學(xué)費(fèi)養(yǎng)活自己還略有節(jié)余。偶爾得知那日本老板似乎很平等，常在工作結(jié)束后請(qǐng)他喝上一杯啤酒。后來，兒子講到這一點(diǎn)便眉飛色舞，他說他感到自己已是個(gè)成年人，就是在到了日本以后。

兩年以后兒子突然表示不想再考大學(xué)，而要回國工作。他似乎認(rèn)為自己的日語水平相當(dāng)不錯(cuò)，無須再繼續(xù)讀書了。對(duì)此，我當(dāng)然無法茍同，我在心里牽念著兒子在異國的寂寞，確認(rèn)他的歸國是由于孤獨(dú)而不是工作。東瀛那個(gè)地方多工作狂人，兒子再待上幾年弄不好染上點(diǎn)孤獨(dú)癥、自閉癥什么的可就悔之晚矣。開放的國界當(dāng)然是來去自由，何況家呢。

重新起航

回國后的兒子，從外表上看仍是瘦弱纖細(xì)的，但以前總是悶悶低著的頭，如今卻高高地?fù)P了起來，以前常萎靡不振的腰板如今挺得筆直，臉上開始有了一種自信的光澤，眼睛里多了些閃爍的問號(hào)。我隱隱地覺得，他的內(nèi)心已發(fā)生了我看不見的變化，他莫非真的就這樣突然成熟了？

兩個(gè)月以后，他在沒有征求家人意見的情況下，自作主張報(bào)名去一家新開張的娛樂城應(yīng)聘。他居然被錄取了，然后很快升為領(lǐng)班。我知道這個(gè)消息時(shí)目瞪口呆，我想對(duì)他說，你哪兒不能去，干嗎去娛樂城接待日本客人，我把你送到日本去可不是為了讓你回來當(dāng)領(lǐng)班。但我什么也沒有說。我得尊重他自己的選擇，面對(duì)一個(gè)長(zhǎng)大了的兒子，我只能“放”任自流了。

又過了幾個(gè)月，他告訴我，他將要到杭州的一家日資企業(yè)去當(dāng)翻譯了。那家公司的老板就是他曾經(jīng)多次在娛樂城接待過的客人。那老板發(fā)現(xiàn)他的日語講得不錯(cuò)，人又誠實(shí)可靠，就以比他原先高一倍的工資，把他“挖”了過去。他很快就由翻譯兼任副經(jīng)理，然后買了一大堆企業(yè)管理方面的書籍，開始自學(xué)并實(shí)踐企業(yè)管理工作。

我不得不開始相信，兒子已同去日本之前判若兩人。當(dāng)我們過多地?fù)?dān)憂并停留在孩子的弱點(diǎn)上時(shí)，他已悄悄邁過溝坎昂然起步。那么，他的人生價(jià)值標(biāo)準(zhǔn)和個(gè)性，究竟更多的是來自家教還是來自社會(huì)大環(huán)境呢？

在這家日資公司的一年多里，兒子繼續(xù)以驚人的速度變化發(fā)展著。他用來唱流行歌曲的嗓音，從每周的電話里傳過來，顯然變得從容沉穩(wěn)、有條有理，像一個(gè)成年的男子，把我當(dāng)成了他的同事，討論著公司的事情。

然而，有意思的是，當(dāng)我們開始為他感到欣慰的時(shí)候，他卻開始對(duì)自己不滿意了。一種來自對(duì)自己的不滿，可以成為人生道路上又一次巨大的動(dòng)力。

應(yīng)該說，他在那家公司干得不壞，老板和工人都同他相處得十分融洽。但是，他終于發(fā)現(xiàn)自己如果不接受系統(tǒng)的專業(yè)教育，現(xiàn)有的日語能力便無法適應(yīng)日后更重要的工作。他需要學(xué)習(xí)現(xiàn)代管理知識(shí)，需要提高日語書寫水平，需要到更廣闊的天地去強(qiáng)化訓(xùn)練自己。他忽然覺得自己像是站在蒼茫浩瀚的大海邊，只是剛剛有了一個(gè)目標(biāo)，其實(shí)根本就還沒有啟程。

他做出了一個(gè)令我們?nèi)叶际殖泽@的決定：放棄目前報(bào)酬還算優(yōu)厚的工作，報(bào)考日本的經(jīng)濟(jì)專門學(xué)校，再次東渡日本艱苦求學(xué)。

驚奇之后更多的是欣喜——兒子終于從內(nèi)心產(chǎn)生了學(xué)習(xí)上進(jìn)的愿望。一個(gè)人只要大步上路，什么時(shí)候開始都不晚。

短短的3個(gè)月中，他獨(dú)自辦好所有的手續(xù)，一路綠燈，順利成行。

他離開公司前，工人們自發(fā)請(qǐng)他喝酒為他送行，說了許多以前被他管理著的時(shí)候不曾說過的真心話，他說他那一晚比第二天老板請(qǐng)他喝酒更開心。

春寒料峭的4月，我專程回杭州為他送行。一個(gè)晴朗的夜晚，我和他騎車到白堤去散步。在波光粼粼的湖邊，他沉默了好一會(huì)兒，突然說：“媽媽，我以前說過的那些話，你都把它忘了吧，我想，那時(shí)我還是孩子……”

我不知道他指的是什么。不，也許我應(yīng)該知道。

“其實(shí)……其實(shí)，我早就明白了，你是在離婚以后才真正成為我的媽媽的。我會(huì)像你一樣，靠自己去奮斗。也謝謝你后來又給了我一個(gè)好爸爸?！?/p>

那天晚上，彎彎的月牙朦朦朧朧，我卻從未見過那么明亮美麗的月色。

當(dāng)我寫完最后一句話的時(shí)候，兒子乘坐的飛機(jī)也許正降落在東京機(jī)場(chǎng)。這是他又一次“放飛”。

（摘自《回憶找到我》長(zhǎng)江文藝出版社）