Peter+Fallon

I remember when I was young， my father would go away for a few weeks at a time. When he came home， my mother and I would go and meet him at the station. I can still feel the sense of anticipation that coursed through me as we sat in the warmth of the car， waiting for his train to arrive.

Being only four years old， the weeks of his absence felt like an eternity. Finally， as the train pulled into the platform， we would get out of the car and stand waiting for him outside the station. I would look expectantly into the faces of the people as they emerged through the gates， hoping that this one would be him.

When he eventually appeared， I would shout out and run to him， flying headlong1） into his open arms. He would pick me up， hug and kiss me， spin me around， and hug me again. As he carried me to the car I could feel the love radiating out from him， just as it was from me.

I knew then， at those times， that he loved me more than anything else in the world and I basked2） in the warm glow3） of his love. He hugged me as if his heart would explode from the pressure of all that love. For days after his return I could feel the power of it emanating4） from him. Every day he would hug me and， although he never said it， showed that he did truly love me. He wasn't one for talking about his feelings much； I suppose he expected everyone would know how he felt by some mysterious form of emotional osmosis5）.

In the days after his return it was obvious how he felt； he showed his love in many ways， and I was happy with that. But after a few weeks things would go back to normal and his heart would return to its usual size， a bit like an old semi-inflated6） balloon left over after a party. He still loved me， but the intensity was not the same. I felt as if I had lost something， but I couldn't quite remember what it was or where I had put it.

I found that I would start looking forward to his next trip away； that I would knowingly trade my ordinary， room temperature father for a few weeks of having no father at all. I knew that I would miss him of course， and that with each day without him the empty place in my heart would grow more and more unbearable as I awaited his return. But it would be worth it， for， as my longing grew， so too would the emptiness inside of him. I wanted his heart to once again double in size and beat fit to burst.

I used to lie awake at night， imagining him going away one more time. When， upon his return， I would once again feel that I was the most important person in the whole world. Even if it was for just a few days.

我記得小時候，爸爸經(jīng)常一出門就是好幾個星期。等他回家時，我和媽媽就會去火車站接他。直到現(xiàn)在，我仍能感覺到當時我們坐在暖和的車里等著爸爸坐的火車到達時那種滿懷期待的心情。

對于當時年僅四歲的我而言，爸爸離開的那幾個星期好像漫長得沒有盡頭。終于，火車駛?cè)胝九_了，媽媽和我就會下車，站在車站外面等他出來。人群從各個大門走出來時，我總會滿懷期待地望著他們的臉，希望我看到的這個人就是爸爸。

爸爸終于出現(xiàn)時，我會大叫一聲向他跑去，飛奔著一頭扎進他向我張開的懷抱。他會把我舉起來，抱著我親我，把我轉(zhuǎn)個圈兒，然后再次抱緊我。在爸爸抱著我走向車子的時候，我能感覺到從他身上散發(fā)出來的愛，就和從我身上散發(fā)出來的一樣。

于是就在那些時刻里，我知道他愛我勝過這世上的其他一切，便愜意地沐浴在他那強烈而又溫暖的愛中。爸爸把我抱得緊緊的，就好像他的心臟會在滿心愛意的擠壓之下爆裂一樣。在他回來后的幾天里，我都能感覺到從他身上散發(fā)的那種愛的力量。每天，他都會擁抱我，都會表現(xiàn)出他真的特別愛我，盡管他從未親口說過。他不是那種過多表達自己感情的人；我猜想，他是希望每個人都能通過情感的潛移默化這種神秘莫測的方式明白他的感受。

爸爸剛回來的那些天，他的感受顯而易見，他在很多方面都表現(xiàn)出對我的愛，對此我感到很開心。可是，幾個星期以后，一切就會回歸正常，他的心臟也會縮回到正常大小——有點像聚會結(jié)束后留下的一只充了一半氣的舊氣球。他仍是愛我的，可那種強烈的程度已然不同。我覺得自己好像丟了什么，但卻不太記得那究竟是什么，也不記得自己把它放在了哪里。

我發(fā)現(xiàn)自己會開始期待他的下一次外出，發(fā)現(xiàn)自己會有意地用我那普通的、常溫的爸爸去換取幾周完全沒有他的日子。我知道自己當然會想念他，也知道他不在身邊的每一天，我心中那塊空蕩蕩的地方也會在等他歸家的日子里變得越來越難以忍受。不過那卻是值得的，因為隨著我對他的渴望日益增強，他內(nèi)心那種空蕩蕩的感覺也會不斷增強。我想讓他的心再一次漲大一倍，讓它強烈地跳動，直至爆發(fā)。

那時候，我常常在夜里躺著不睡，想象著爸爸又一次離開了家。等他回來時，我就會再一次感覺到自己是全世界最重要的人，即便那種感覺只能持續(xù)幾天。endprint