by Stevisha Taylor

One day when I was three， my father went over to my grandfathers house. My father and grandfather had always had a bad relationship， because my grandfather beat on his wife and kids. That day， they ended up arguing over money and other business. My relatives say that my grandfather had been drinking and pulled a gun on my dad. Then my dad pulled a gun on him， too. Shots were fired， my grandfather ended up dead， and my father got thrown in jail.

I was heartbroken. I lived with my father （my mom had dropped off[離開(kāi)] because of drug use） and now he got sent to a prison far away. It meant that my father and I could never see each other.

After my father was arrested， my aunt and grandparents thought not seeing him until I was 18 was best for me， and the courts agreed. Since then， Ive had to wake up each day with the hurt of knowing I will not see my father. But the amazing thing is my dad has always been in my life.

Cards and Letters

For as long as I can remember， he has written to me. I was about five when I started sending him pictures I drew. I was eight when I started writing. Most of the time， we wrote about us not being able to see each other. I sent him a letter just about every other week. Hed send me birthday cards and letters and hed tell me that he cared about me.

Over the years， I stopped drawing but I wrote to him more and more. Now I write to him every other day and he writes to me once a week. We talk on the phone about every other week.

He tells me that jail is a hard-knock[艱難的] life. He writes to me about his life before jail， too. He tells me that growing up was not easy. His father would beat on him and his brother. Sometimes they would try to stop their dad from beating up their mom.

When my father was a teenager， he got tired of the abuse[虐待]， and one day he ran away. My father told me how hard it was leaving behind his mother and brothers. But his oldest brother helped him get away， and my dad went to live with his aunt.

Telling him M y Secrets

My father writes to me about his life， and I tell him all my secrets. When I was younger and would tell him about my mom using drugs， he would be upset and say that he was sorry that he was not there for me. When I told him about me being hurt at home， he was furious[狂怒的] about the situation. He was mad at[對(duì)……發(fā)怒] the world. But there was nothing he could do but tell me to be strong and hold on.

A Fairy Tale Wish Come True

I feel like these years of writing and talking have bonded[結(jié)合] my father and me. All our letters make me feel like we are one. Sometimes I cry when we talk because I miss him. Other times I tell him about my life and he just listens.

Learning about my fathers experiences has left me angry， but its also made me want to make my life better， to finish school and go to college and succeed， for myself， my father and my child. It isnt always easy.

Although the courts originally[最初] ruled that I shouldnt see my father until I turn 18， the judge allowed me a visit. I wont forget that day. On one of my court dates， he came to see me. The guards just sat in the room with us while we talked to each other. We caught up on a lot of things that had been going on in my life. It felt like my fairy tale wish had finally come true.

Father-Daughter Time

My dad will be released soon. I will be so happy when he is out and we will be able to form a life together. Of course I have worries about things not working for my dad， like him not being able to find a good job， or even a part-time job， since its hard for ex-convicts[曾被判刑的人] to find work， especially people like my dad who have been locked up for so long.

But at least I will be able to take care of him and we will be able to talk to each other a lot more. We will spend father-daughter time together， and if I have a problem， I will be able to call him late at night. Whatever happens， I will just be happy that he is out and we have the chance to connect again， after so much time apart.

我3歲的某一天，我爸爸去了爺爺家。爸爸和爺爺?shù)年P(guān)系一直很差，因?yàn)闋敔攲?duì)妻兒拳打腳踢。那天，他們最終為錢(qián)和其他事情爭(zhēng)吵。親戚們說(shuō)，我爺爺喝了酒，掏出一把槍對(duì)著爸爸。我爸爸也拿槍指著他。他們開(kāi)了槍，最后，爺爺死了，我爸爸則被關(guān)進(jìn)監(jiān)獄。

我傷痛欲絕。我之前是和爸爸一起住的（媽媽因?yàn)槎酒穯?wèn)題離我們而去），現(xiàn)在他被送到了一間很遠(yuǎn)的監(jiān)獄。這意味著爸爸和我再也見(jiàn)不到對(duì)方了。

爸爸被逮捕以后，我的阿姨和外祖父母認(rèn)為，在我18歲以前我最好不要見(jiàn)他，法庭也同意了。從那以后，我每天起床都會(huì)想到不能與爸爸見(jiàn)面，實(shí)在痛苦難耐。然而，不可思議的是，爸爸一直存在于我的生活當(dāng)中。

卡片和信件

就我記憶所及，他會(huì)給我寫(xiě)信。在我大約5歲的時(shí)候，我開(kāi)始給他寄我自己畫(huà)的畫(huà)。我8歲時(shí)開(kāi)始寫(xiě)信。大多數(shù)時(shí)候，我們寫(xiě)的都是無(wú)法相見(jiàn)這件事。我?guī)缀趺扛粢恢芫蜁?huì)給他寄一封信。他會(huì)給我寄生日卡和信，并告訴我他很在乎我。

這些年來(lái)，我不再畫(huà)畫(huà)了，但給他寫(xiě)的信越來(lái)越多。我現(xiàn)在每隔一天就給他寫(xiě)信，他則每周和我通信一次。我們大約每隔一周通一次電話。

他告訴我，牢獄生活不好受，也會(huì)向我描述坐牢前的生活。他對(duì)我說(shuō)，成長(zhǎng)不容易。他的父親會(huì)毆打他和他弟弟。有時(shí)候，他們?cè)噲D阻止父親毆打他們的媽媽。

當(dāng)爸爸還是青少年的時(shí)候，他厭倦了這種虐待，于是有一天，他離家出走了。爸爸對(duì)我說(shuō)，棄母親和兄弟不顧是多么痛苦的一件事。但他的大哥幫他逃脫了，于是爸爸和他的阿姨一起生活。

分享秘密

爸爸給我寫(xiě)了有關(guān)他生活的事，我則把自己所有的秘密都告訴他。我還小的時(shí)候，我會(huì)跟他說(shuō)媽媽吸毒的事，他會(huì)很傷心，為不能在我身邊而感到遺憾。當(dāng)我告訴他我在家里受傷的時(shí)候，他會(huì)因此發(fā)怒。他對(duì)世界充滿憤怒?？墒浅私形覉?jiān)強(qiáng)、堅(jiān)持下去以外，他也無(wú)能為力。

美夢(mèng)成真

我感覺(jué)到這些年的通信和談話令我和爸爸緊緊地聯(lián)系在一起，所有這些信件讓我感覺(jué)到我們是一體的。有時(shí)候，我會(huì)在聊天的時(shí)候落淚，因?yàn)槲蚁肽钏?。其他時(shí)候，我會(huì)和爸爸說(shuō)說(shuō)自己的生活，他則在一旁聆聽(tīng)。

爸爸的經(jīng)歷讓我憤懣不已，但也讓我立志過(guò)上更好的生活，讀書(shū)，上大學(xué)，取得成功——為了自己，為了爸爸，也為了我的孩子。過(guò)程并不容易。

雖然法庭原來(lái)規(guī)定我在18歲之前不能和爸爸見(jiàn)面，法官還是允許我去見(jiàn)他一次。我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)忘記那一天。在其中一個(gè)開(kāi)庭日，他來(lái)見(jiàn)我了。我們?cè)诹奶?，守衛(wèi)就坐在房間里。我們談了我生活中的許多事情，感覺(jué)就像美夢(mèng)終于成真了。

父女時(shí)光

爸爸很快就要被釋放了。他出獄時(shí)我會(huì)十分高興，我們終于能夠一起生活了。當(dāng)然了，我也會(huì)擔(dān)心爸爸出獄后會(huì)事事不順，比如他無(wú)法找到好工作，甚至連兼職也找不到，因?yàn)橛星翱频娜撕茈y找到工作，特別是像我爸爸這種被關(guān)起來(lái)這么久的人。

但是，起碼我可以照顧他，我們也可以經(jīng)常聊天了。我們將一起度過(guò)我們的父女時(shí)光；如果我有什么問(wèn)題，我也可以在深夜給他打電話。經(jīng)過(guò)了如此漫長(zhǎng)的分離，無(wú)論發(fā)生什么事情，現(xiàn)在他能夠出獄、我們又有機(jī)會(huì)在一起，我就已經(jīng)很開(kāi)心了。