I recently got the urge to move to a new apartment. There were a variety of reasons - it was getting too noisy where I was， the new taxi prices were becoming a killer during the commute to work， and I needed a change of scenery， so I gave my landlord 30 days' notice and went hunting. My first two moves since arriving in Beijing had been a breeze - in fact on both occasions I had taken the first apartment I had seen.

最近我急切地想要換個新公寓。原因有很多：現(xiàn)在住的地方太吵了；賺的錢快要負(fù)擔(dān)不起新漲的計程車錢；想換換四周的景色。所以我告訴房東一個月內(nèi)就會搬走，然后就開始找房了。剛來北京時的兩次搬家都輕而易舉——事實上那兩次我都是一眼就相中了房子，所以非常順利。

This time around Lady Luck was out of town and the whole affair was an exercise in self-flagellation. Step one to finding an apartment is finding an agent， an essential step for anyone too busy to hunt down his or her ideal home away from home.

但這次幸運女神好像出游不在家，整個找房子的過程簡直是一種自我折磨。第一步是找房屋中介，這對那些沒時間四處搜尋直到找到理想房子的人而言至關(guān)重要。

I browsed through the many expat-oriented websites blazing with agents ready to move heaven and earth to get people settled. There is no shortage of these in Beijing. I needed a one-bedroom apartment， close to a subway stop (preferably on Line 1， running east to west through the city)， in a quiet environment and with an enclosed shower. My budget was between 3，000 and 4，000 yuan per month. How hard could it be - right?

我瀏覽了一些針對外國人的房屋代理公司網(wǎng)站，個個都竭力要讓你入住。在北京永遠(yuǎn)不乏這些。我需要一個有獨立臥室、臨近地鐵站（最好是一號線，可以直接從城東到城西）、環(huán)境安靜、帶有淋浴的房子。租金預(yù)算是三千到四千一個月。找一個這樣的房子能有多難呢？你說是吧！

My first agent， Paul， whipped me off to three possible apartments. His service was good. He picked me up from my apartment in his shiny red Chevrolet toy hatchback and dropped me off afterwards. Paul tried， he really did， but he just wasn't hearing me. The more I said one bedroom， the more he showed me studios. \"Just think， you can see your kitchen from your bed，\" he said excitedly. Yeah， I could see what a thrill that would be.

保羅是我的第一個代理人，他很盡職盡責(zé)地督促我去看了三個備選房子。他服務(wù)周到，并且用他那玩具似的紅色小雪佛萊將我從公寓帶離四處看房。保羅確實很盡力地想幫我找到合適的房子，但他沒有考慮我的要求。我越和他說我要一個獨立的臥室，他就越和我說工作室的好處。“想象一下，你躺在床上就能夠看見廚房，多好啊！”他很興奮地說。天哪！只要一想到那個畫面我就全身發(fā)抖。

As time went on， that was to become a common problem - the agents just weren't hearing me. Next up was Coco. Small， and cute， with a voice like a metal file rasping over rusty pipes. After listening to my requirements， I got the customary \"no problem - I know what foreigners want.\" I was hauled all over the eastern part of Beijing. She showed me plenty of apartments way out of my price range， urging me on with a saccharine \"it's not much money for a foreigner.\" Coco also had problems calculating distance. A promised five-minute walk to Wangfujing subway station on the phone became a 20-minute taxi ride to the said subway in reality.

隨著時間的推移，我發(fā)現(xiàn)房屋代理商們都有一個通病——沒有人考慮我的要求。我的第二個代理人是可可，嬌小可愛但聲音卻像金屬銼刀劃過生銹的水管。聽完我的要求后，耳邊又響起了很熟悉的回答“沒問題——我知道外國人的要求”。然后我就被拖著走遍了整個北京城東。她帶我看了很多公寓但都是超出我的預(yù)算的，并且還笑得異常甜美地催促我“這點錢對外國人來說不算什么”。更難以接受的是，可可在計算路程上也有問題。本來在電話里說好到王府井地鐵站五分鐘的路程卻變成在現(xiàn)實中二十分鐘的計程車車程。

James followed. He had dealt with plenty of foreigners， he assured me. His experience showed when he dragged me kicking and screaming to three apartments in a row， all with bathrooms the size of postage stamps and a bucket and hole-in-the-floor shower. In two of the bathrooms I literally couldn't turn around and had to bend like a hunchback. The third one was hidden away at the end of a long alley lined with what looked like rabid dogs， desperate hawkers and toxic smells. Billed as being IN Jianguomen， what James meant was that from the apartment you could SEE Jianguomen-in the distance.

然后就是詹姆士。他告訴我自己曾經(jīng)和很多外國人打過交道。但他的經(jīng)驗只是拖著我馬不停蹄地去看了三處令人哭笑不得的房子。三家房子的衛(wèi)生間都小得可憐，里面只有一個桶狀物和在天花板上的一個貌似是洞的所謂淋浴。其中兩個浴室我?guī)缀醪荒苻D(zhuǎn)身，并且腰彎得像個駝背。而另一個仿佛是在一條烏煙瘴氣的小路盡頭，到處都充斥著狂犬以及歇斯底里的小販。還有，協(xié)議上說要住在建國門地鐵站旁邊，而詹姆士的理解是，在你住的地方可以遙望到建國門地鐵站。

I left James and fled into the night， into the waiting arms of Serita. My househunting clock was slowly ticking down， and our first meeting was less than encouraging. She was 40 minutes late and then told me to find the apartment on my own and she would meet me there. I got lost， the landlord lost patience and left... and Serita blamed me. OK. Being a forgiving person， I decided to give her another chance. She told me she hadn't eaten for a while， as she was always busy， so I took the bait and bought her dinner. We looked at some nice apartments - some were in good locations but poorly furnished. We bargained with landlords to change odd items of furniture， but they were hardnosed and unwilling.

告別詹姆士后已經(jīng)是晚上了，我又開始投入塞利塔的“懷抱”。我的“找房時鐘”在緩慢而艱難的轉(zhuǎn)動，而且我們的第一次見面并不是很愉快。她遲到了四十分鐘，然后讓我自己去看房，說她會在那兒等我。結(jié)果我迷路了，房東也等得失去了耐心就走人了……而塞利塔卻責(zé)怪我。好吧！作為一個心胸開闊的人我決定給她一次機會，再相信她一次。她告訴我她很忙以至于到現(xiàn)在都還沒有吃飯，順理成章，我就請她吃了頓飯。緊接著我們看了一些不錯的公寓——有的地段很好但是家具很陳舊。我們和房東協(xié)商能不能換些家具，但他們都固執(zhí)地拒絕了我的要求。

I found one I liked in the CBD， but the skeptical landlady asked for 12 months rent in advance plus a month's deposit. When I asked why， and pointed out that what she was asking was unethical， not to mention illegal， she said that as I was single I could up and leave at any time. Despite assurances of work contracts， references and agreeing to pay a month's deposit she wasn't convinced. Perhaps I looked like a flight risk， but whatever the reason， she wouldn't budge， so Serita and I played my trump card: I'm a vegetarian， non-smoking， non-drinking Buddhist. How much better could a tenant be? The landlady wasn't convinced - perhaps it sounded too far-fetched. I left thinking maybe being a carnivorous， alcoholic， dope headed， metal freak would have got me in. (Apologies to all my friends who fit into this category).

之后，我又相中了一間位于商務(wù)中心地區(qū)的房子，但是房東卻叫我預(yù)付一年的房租外加一個月的押金。當(dāng)我問及原因并指出她的做法是不道德的，我還沒有說是違法的。她的理由是我是單身，來去自由，太沒有保障了。盡管我可以提供勞務(wù)合同、介紹信，并且愿意預(yù)付一個月的押金，她還是不相信我?？赡芪铱雌饋硐窠贆C的恐怖分子，無論怎樣，她都不肯讓步。于是我和塞利塔亮出了王牌：我是素食主義者，還是個不沾煙酒的佛教信徒。還有比這更好的房客嗎？但是女房東還是不肯相信——可能這聽起來太牽強了。我看起來更像一個食肉、酗酒、嗑藥、聽狂躁金屬樂的怪人。（我向有這些愛好的朋友們表示歉意，我并非有意要這么說的。）

While finding a new apartment， I learned loads of new tricks: I learned to check water pressure - if the tap in the kitchen worked it didn't mean the one in the bathroom worked. I flushed toilets， checked gas connections， inspected neighbors and checked main connections. I criss-crossed Beijing a dozen times， looking for home， trailing in the shadow of an endless stream of well-meaning agents. Finally they all ditched me， deciding I was too \"picky\".

但在找新公寓的同時我學(xué)會了很多技巧：要檢查水壓——廚房的水龍頭是不是好的，但這并不意味著浴室能正常使用。我會檢查一下馬桶、煤氣管道接口、居住環(huán)境以及主要的線路。我頻繁地穿梭于北京城，跟在一群好心的房屋代理商后面找房子。最終，他們都“離我而去”，覺得我太挑剔了。

As the date loomed for me to vacate， an office colleague said she had a contact with a place for rent. I had visions of more traumas， but in the name of good faith， we went to look. Everything worked. The balcony had a lake view. The price was negotiable. It was close to my office. It was perfect， and I took it - some things are meant to be. Of course， my landlady also lives next door - but that's another story.

幸運的是，離搬家的最后期限越來越近時，我的同事告訴我她知道有個房子要出租。我眼前就浮現(xiàn)了前段時間找房的恐怖經(jīng)歷。但本著真誠善良的精神，我們還是去看房了。意外的是一切都很順利。陽臺上可以欣賞到美麗的湖面景色；房租也還有商量的余地；而且離我上班的地方很近?？梢哉f很完美，于是我就決定租下來了——事情本該如此。當(dāng)然我的房東就住在隔壁，不過這就是另一個故事了。

Links

1. move heaven and earth

相當(dāng)于“To do everything possible to bring about something desired”，意為“竭盡全力”。

2. whip off

意為“用鞭子驅(qū)策”，在文中指作者被中介催促著去看房子。

3. postage stamps

意為“郵票”，在文中是形容浴室非常小。

4. hardnosed

在這里做形容詞，意思是“頑固的、固執(zhí)的”。

4. CBD

Central Business District商務(wù)中心地區(qū)。

5. play one's trump card

意為“亮出王牌”，文中指作者拿出最有效的方法。