男人，敞開(kāi)心扉吧?。?/h1>
2008-01-01 00:00:00ＣｌａｕｄｉａＲｉｖｅｒ
雙語(yǔ)時(shí)代 2008年1期
Every woman wants to know her man inside and out. But getting a guy to bare his soul is no easy feat. Luckily， experts discovered the tactics you need to use to start him spilling.
每一個(gè)女人都想從里到外徹底地了解他的男人。但是，讓一個(gè)男人對(duì)你毫無(wú)保留可不是一件容易的事情。幸運(yùn)的是，專(zhuān)家自有戰(zhàn)術(shù)，讓他在不知不覺(jué)中泄露自己的秘密。
It's only natural to want to read your guy as thoroughly as the latest issue of Cosmo. Problem is， it's often super hard to get a boyfriend to open up. Not only are men wired differently (they don't put the same emphasis on spill-it-all talkathons like we do)， but they've also been socialized to keep the most intimate parts of themselves hidden (no， we don't mean what's under their boxer-briefs.
女人們總希望能夠像翻閱《時(shí)尚》雜志一樣透徹地了解自己的男人。但問(wèn)題是，讓一個(gè)男人敞開(kāi)心扉可不像翻本雜志那么簡(jiǎn)單。這不僅僅因?yàn)樗麄兊乃伎挤绞胶臀覀儾煌ú煌谂?，男人們?duì)于一吐為快傾心懇談的熱情并不高），而且社會(huì)環(huán)境的打磨也讓他們傾向于將自己最隱秘的部分藏起來(lái)（別誤會(huì)，我們可不是在說(shuō)他們內(nèi)褲里面的那部分）。
\"Women often expect the sort of intimate communication they have with their female friends with the men in their lives，\" says Nancy Rosenbach， Ph.D.， a clinical psychologist and couples therapist in New York City. \"But men may be more protective of their feelings and vulnerabilities. Women have to learn not only to accept this but to work around it.\" How? By letting go of tired old tactics like barraging him with invasive ploys in favor of subtler ways to tease him out of his shell. Here， we map out the best methods to get your man to start talking， plus the key personal info you need to truly know him. Together， they'll have you connecting with your guy like never before.
“女性經(jīng)常希望和自己的男人能夠像與閨中密友一樣深入交流，”紐約臨床心理學(xué)家和婚姻問(wèn)題咨詢(xún)師南茜#8226;羅森巴赫博士說(shuō)，“但是男性對(duì)于他們的感情和弱點(diǎn)卻總是諱莫如深。女性不僅要接受這個(gè)事實(shí)，而且還要學(xué)會(huì)旁敲側(cè)擊?！痹趺醋瞿兀渴紫纫蕴切┵M(fèi)力不討好的過(guò)時(shí)伎倆，比如得理不饒人的咄咄逼人。相反，要采用更溫柔的戰(zhàn)術(shù)誘敵出洞。我們列出了一些最好的方法來(lái)幫你撬開(kāi)他們的嘴。此外還有一些重要的信息讓你真正了解你的他。綜合運(yùn)用，你將會(huì)對(duì)你的男人有個(gè)全新的認(rèn)識(shí)。
Part1: Getting Your Guy to Open Up
第一步：敞開(kāi)心扉
Finding out what's running through that sexy brain of his is easy - as long as you employ these five simple strategies.
想知道他那迷人可愛(ài)的腦袋里究竟在想什么？簡(jiǎn)單！只要采取下面六個(gè)策略就沒(méi)問(wèn)題。
Tip 1 Know When and Where to Try
第一招 天時(shí)地利
\"Time and place are crucial to getting a man to emote，\" says Brenda Shoshanna， Ph.D.， a psychotherapist in New York City， and author of Zen and the Art of Falling in Love. \"Many women seem to pick the wrong moment: when he's exhausted， when he's preoccupied， when he simply wants to be quiet.\" Consider what happened to Laura， 26. \"One night， I figured my guy was in a relaxed mood because his friends were coming over to watch a game， so I asked him about a recent fight he'd had with his friend John - I was curious. He mumbled something and turned on the TV. It was so frustrating.\"
“想讓一個(gè)男人吐露心聲，時(shí)機(jī)和場(chǎng)合很重要，”紐約精神治療醫(yī)師布蘭達(dá)#8226;索珊娜博士說(shuō)。索珊娜博士是《戀愛(ài)的禪宗與藝術(shù)》一書(shū)的作者。“許多女性經(jīng)常選錯(cuò)點(diǎn)：要么是在他精疲力竭的時(shí)候，要么是在他專(zhuān)注于某事的時(shí)候，或者是他只想獨(dú)處的時(shí)候?！迸e個(gè)例子，看看今年26歲的羅拉吧?！坝刑焱砩?，我覺(jué)得他心情還不錯(cuò)，因?yàn)樗呐笥岩獊?lái)家里看球。所以我就問(wèn)了幾句之前他和朋友約翰的一次爭(zhēng)執(zhí)——我只是好奇而已。可他咕噥了幾句就打開(kāi)了電視。我覺(jué)得特沮喪?！?/p>
Shoshanna suggests making time to mind-meld when you aren't expecting visitors or when he isn't distracted. \"Also try to chat while the two of you are doing something together， like taking a long walk or washing the dishes，\" says Deborah Tannen. Ph.D.， Georgetown University linguistics professor and author of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. \"Don't insist that he look at you if his eyes are fastened elsewhere while he's listening，\" she says. \"Most men feel more comfortable talking when they're not looking directly at you.\"
索珊娜博士建議，兩人間的親密交流最好選在沒(méi)有客人來(lái)訪時(shí)，或者是沒(méi)有其它事讓他分心的時(shí)候?！按送猓瑑扇艘黄鹱瞿呈聲r(shí)也可以試著和他交流，比如一起散步或洗碗時(shí)，”喬治城大學(xué)語(yǔ)言學(xué)教授黛博拉#8226;譚妮博士這么認(rèn)為。譚妮博士同時(shí)還是《你始終不明白：男女間的談話(huà)》一書(shū)的作者?！叭绻诼?tīng)你說(shuō)話(huà)時(shí)眼睛望向別處的話(huà)，不要強(qiáng)求他看著你，”她說(shuō)?！按蟛糠帜行栽谡勗?huà)時(shí)會(huì)覺(jué)得四目相對(duì)很別扭?！?/p>
Tip 2 Be a Supporter， Not an Interrogator
第二招 關(guān)愛(ài)有方
We chicks mean well but frequently fall into the 20-questions trap - bombarding our guys with too many queries too fast and sounding like a prosecutor - which makes men more likely to clam up than confide. How to set the right tone for talk? Rosenbach suggests that instead of making declarative statements like \"Talk to me!” you try open-ended ones like “What do you think about…\" \"Also， avoid starting sentences with 'How come you never talk about…'\"adds Debra Rosenzweig， Ph.D.， a clinical psychologist in New York City.” It immediately puts him on the defensive. Just be encouraging.\" Meredith， 31 figured this out by accident. \"I rarely see my boyfriend during the week， so on Friday nights I'd ask about his job. He'd always say 'It's fine，' then change the subject. But one time I gave him a hug and a glass of wine and said he looked like he needed a back rub， and he told me more about work in that one night than all the others combined. I realized that he'll open up on his own if I'm just there for him.\"
我們女人的本意都是好的，卻經(jīng)常在無(wú)意中使關(guān)心變了性質(zhì)——連珠炮似的問(wèn)個(gè)不停，語(yǔ)速又快，活像個(gè)檢察官在審犯人——這只會(huì)讓男人更守口如瓶。那么談話(huà)中究竟該用什么語(yǔ)氣呢？羅森巴赫建議我們避免使用命令式的語(yǔ)句，比如，“說(shuō)話(huà)啊你！”，而應(yīng)多用開(kāi)放式的句子，比如“你覺(jué)得……怎么樣”。 “此外，不要劈頭就問(wèn)：‘你怎么從來(lái)不跟我說(shuō)……’”，紐約臨床心理學(xué)家黛布拉#8226; 羅森薇格博士補(bǔ)充：“這會(huì)立刻激起他們的逆反心理。要鼓勵(lì)他們?！?1歲的梅雷迪思因?yàn)橐淮吻珊习l(fā)現(xiàn)了一個(gè)好方法?！拔移綍r(shí)工作時(shí)很少跟我男朋友見(jiàn)面，所以星期五晚上我都會(huì)問(wèn)他的工作怎么樣。他總是說(shuō)‘還不錯(cuò)啊’，然后就岔開(kāi)話(huà)題。但是有一天，我擁抱著他，給他倒了杯酒，問(wèn)他要不要揉揉肩什么的，然后那天晚上他跟我談的工作比之前加起來(lái)的還要多。那時(shí)我便意識(shí)到，只要在身邊陪著他，他自己會(huì)開(kāi)口的?！?/p>
Tip 3 Avoid the F Word
第三招 避“情”不談
\"Literally， every time I mention the word feelings， my boyfriend looks like I just asked him to run around the block buck naked，\" says Kate， 27. And no wonder: \"Guys have been taught to think it's unmanly to discuss their emotions， so they'll often get annoyed if you ask them to，\" says Rosenzweig. Talk about his past experiences and future plans instead. Since men respond well in conversations focused on goals， couch any personal questions in goal-specific terms， says Shoshanna. \"Rather than asking how getting laid off made him feel， ask how it challenged him and what he thought of the outcome.\"
“幾乎每次我跟我男朋友提到‘感情’兩個(gè)字時(shí)，他的表情都好像我要他在大街上裸奔似的，”27歲的凱特抱怨道。其實(shí)這也不難理解。羅森薇格說(shuō)：“男人們從小接受的教育就是，吐苦水的男人都是娘娘腔，所以當(dāng)你讓他們跟你談心時(shí)，男人們難免會(huì)有抵觸?！毕喾?，試著談?wù)撨^(guò)去的經(jīng)歷和將來(lái)的計(jì)劃，他們就會(huì)明顯有興趣得多。因?yàn)槟腥藗兌急容^關(guān)注目標(biāo)理想之類(lèi)的話(huà)題，索珊娜建議大家把很私人的問(wèn)題都明確化?！安灰獑?wèn)下崗后他有什么感覺(jué)，問(wèn)他下崗給他帶來(lái)了什么困難，問(wèn)他覺(jué)得結(jié)果怎么樣?！?/p>
Tip 4 Expose Secrets about Yourself
第四招 推心置腹
\"Everyone learns by example，\" says Rosenzweig. \"If your guy hears you expressing yourself freely， it's likely that he'll start to trust you and feel safer trying to do the same.\" So speak openly and honestly. \"My boyfriend made it clear from the beginning that talking about his parents was off-limits，\" says Sophie， 22. \"They'd been through a nasty divorce when he was a teenager. But when I told him about the problems my older sister and I had as kids， he started sharing more. He later told me he was relieved to know he wasn't the only one with a dysfunctional family.\"
“榜樣的力量無(wú)窮大，”羅森薇格說(shuō)?！叭绻茨銦o(wú)拘束地談?wù)撟约旱母惺?，有可能他也?huì)開(kāi)始相信你，嘗試對(duì)你敞開(kāi)心扉?！彼砸_(kāi)誠(chéng)布公，以誠(chéng)相待?！拔夷信笥褟囊婚_(kāi)始就不愿談?wù)撍母改?，?2歲的索菲說(shuō)?！八麄?cè)谒€是個(gè)孩子時(shí)就離婚了。但當(dāng)我告訴他自己和姐姐的童年時(shí)，他和我逐漸有了更多的交流。他后來(lái)告訴我，當(dāng)他知道并不是只有自己的家庭才這么不幸時(shí)，心里輕松了許多?！?/p>
Tip 5 Know When to Hit the Pause Button
第五招 適可而止
It may sound harsh， but sometimes the best way to get your man to open up is to shut up. \"Women often focus on knowing every bit of information about their boyfriends， to the point where it almost becomes an obsession，\" says Rosenzweig. \"But that can be intrusive， particularly for a man who needs his space.\" In fact， if you sit back and let things happen， your guy will be more likely to share personal info with you. He'll know that it's his choice to communicate， not something that is being forced out of him. \"Silence makes me nervous，\" says Greta， 29. \"So I'd always ask my fiancé， 'What are you thinking about?' and 'Are you all right?' He'd freak and say my constant questioning was stressing him out. So I pulled back. Within a month， I noticed how much more he piped up when something was on his mind.\"
聽(tīng)起來(lái)有些不可思議，不過(guò)有時(shí)讓男人敞開(kāi)心扉的最好策略還真得就是忍住不問(wèn)?！芭钥偸窍胫狸P(guān)于他們男朋友的每一個(gè)小細(xì)節(jié)，情況嚴(yán)重時(shí)近乎一種強(qiáng)迫癥，”羅森薇格說(shuō)?！暗沁@種打破沙鍋問(wèn)到底的做法有時(shí)會(huì)侵犯了對(duì)方的隱私，尤其是那些很在意私人空間的男性?！睂?shí)際上，如果你能夠放松心情，讓一切順其自然，你的男人很有可能會(huì)主動(dòng)找你談心。這樣他才會(huì)覺(jué)得交流與否都是他自己的選擇，而不是被強(qiáng)迫的?！俺聊瑫?huì)讓我緊張，”29歲的格瑞塔說(shuō)。“所以我總是問(wèn)我未婚夫‘你在想什么？’和‘你沒(méi)事吧？’，他就會(huì)抓狂，說(shuō)我不斷地問(wèn)東問(wèn)西給他造成了很大的壓力。所以我就不再過(guò)問(wèn)。在這之后不到一個(gè)月的時(shí)間里，我注意到，當(dāng)他心里有事時(shí)，比以前懂得傾訴了?！?/p>
Tip 6 Don't Ask
第六招 沉默是金
Contrary to popular belief， it's not important to hear how many women your guy's slept with…so long as you know he's STD-free. A high number may simply mean that， like a lot of people， he had a period of promiscuity or he got involved with a slew of women who ultimately weren't right for him. What matters is that he likely learned from those experiences.
不同于主流的觀點(diǎn)，但實(shí)際上你的男人之前有過(guò)多少女人并不是那么重要……只要你知道他沒(méi)有什么奇怪的病就可以了。就算他之前同許多女人有染，那也只能說(shuō)明他和很多人一樣曾經(jīng)放縱過(guò)，或者是他同許多最終都不適合他的女性交往過(guò)。重要的是，他很可能從那段經(jīng)歷中懂得了一些道理。
Part 2: What You Need To Know
第二步：無(wú)微不至
Once you've perfectly positioned yourself to get him gabbing， here are the core issues to delve into.
當(dāng)你讓他滔滔不絕的本領(lǐng)已經(jīng)爐火純青時(shí)，就應(yīng)開(kāi)始關(guān)注下面這些核心問(wèn)題。
What Lights His Fire
喜怒哀樂(lè)
Ferreting out what pushes his buttons - positively and negatively - is key. \"Guys often hide their passionate sides from women when it doesn't involve romance or sex，\" says Michele Weiner Davis， author of A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man: Without His Even knowing it. But it's crucial to know what gets his blood pumping outside your relationship. \"If a man can admit what makes him happy and upset， you'll uncover a lot about his hidden characteristics，\" says Terrence Real， a psychotherapist in Watertown， Massachusetts， and author of How Can I Get Through to You: Closing the intimacy Gap. Ask him the most exciting thing he'd want to do with his life if he knew it would be cut short - it may indicate where his true desires lie.
找到他的情緒按鈕——積極的和消極的——是關(guān)鍵?！霸诓簧婕皭?ài)情與性的問(wèn)題上，男性通常會(huì)將自己熱情的一面隱藏起來(lái)，”米歇爾#8226;#8226;#8226;薇娜#8226;戴維斯說(shuō)，她是《神不知鬼不覺(jué)地改變男人》一書(shū)的作者。但是女性有必要知道在他們的關(guān)系之外，究竟還有哪些事情能夠讓她的男人情緒激動(dòng)。“如果一個(gè)男人告訴你他的喜好厭惡，你便能更好地了解他不為人知的一面，”麻省水鎮(zhèn)的心理咨詢(xún)師特蕾絲#8226;里爾說(shuō)。里爾是《如何更好地交流：填補(bǔ)愛(ài)人間的隔閡》一書(shū)的作者。問(wèn)他如果他的生命所剩無(wú)幾，他最想在剩下的時(shí)間里做些什么——問(wèn)題的答案可能反映出他真正的理想。
The Role He Plays in His Social Circle
生旦凈末丑
\"You can learn a lot about a man's character by looking at his friends，\" says Brenda Shoshanna， Ph.D.， a psychotherapist in New York City. A fun way to broach the subject: Have him cast himself and all of his buddies in one of his favorite movies. Another tactic is watching his hangout habits. Say his posse always lets him choose the bar; he may be a natural leader who'll wind up running his own company. Or he may just be bossy. Another indicator: Does he drop everything whenever a friend calls， or is he the \"Sorry dude， can't help ya\" type? It'll show how much of a selfless or me-first person he is.
“觀其友而知其人，”紐約的心理咨詢(xún)師布蘭達(dá)#8226;索珊娜博士說(shuō)。有一種很有意思的方法來(lái)處理這個(gè)問(wèn)題：讓他來(lái)決定自己和朋友們?cè)谒钕矚g的一部電影里的角色。另一個(gè)技巧是觀察他和朋友們?cè)谝黄饡r(shí)的表現(xiàn)。如果朋友們總讓他選酒吧的話(huà)，說(shuō)明他可能天生具有領(lǐng)袖氣質(zhì)，最終有可能成為自己公司的領(lǐng)導(dǎo)；不過(guò)也有可能是他喜歡發(fā)號(hào)施令，比較專(zhuān)橫。還有一項(xiàng)指標(biāo)：朋友有難時(shí)他會(huì)不會(huì)立刻放下手邊的活，全力幫助，還是他只會(huì)說(shuō)“不好意思，兄弟，這事兒我?guī)筒涣四恪薄倪@一點(diǎn)你能看出他是不是個(gè)自私自利、以自我為中心的人。
Also look at the size of his social pool. \"If he has lots of casual acquaintances， he may have many different sides， but it could also indicate that he's not comfortable with intimate relationships，\" says Real. If he has just a few very close compadres， it can show why he might pour his energy into one or two things， whether it's spending every Sunday working on his car or logging extra hours on the job.
此外，還要看看他的社交范圍?！叭绻泻芏嗖⒉皇呛苡H密的朋友，說(shuō)明他可能八面玲瓏，但也有可能是他不喜歡和別人走得太近，”里爾說(shuō)。如果他只有幾個(gè)死黨，這可能就是為什么他總是全力投入一兩件事情的原因，可能是整個(gè)星期天都在忙他的車(chē)，也可能是在為工作加班加點(diǎn)。
What Money Means to Him
君子愛(ài)財(cái)
Ask him what he'd do if he won a million dollars tomorrow. Would he quit his job， give a bunch of it away， or splurge on himself?
問(wèn)問(wèn)他如果明天忽然有了一百萬(wàn)美元，他想做什么。會(huì)不會(huì)辭掉工作，會(huì)不會(huì)捐出一部分錢(qián)，還是揮霍奢侈一番？
\"Understanding his materialistic side will reveal his core values and the way he looks at life，\" says Nina Atwood， author of Date Lines: Communication From Hello to I Do. \"You'll find out if status and possessions are important to him or if he puts relationships and family above all else.\" Also note his spending habits， such as whether he bickers over every dinner bill， how much he tips， and what kinds of gifts he gives. His behavior will indicate how generous or stingy he is - and not just about his cash. \"If he indulges himself rather than sharing his wealth， it may mean he has a hard time being emotionally giving，\" explains Shoshanna. \"If he goes beyond his means to lavish his finances on others， he may be trying to buy people's approval.\"
“理解他對(duì)于物質(zhì)金錢(qián)的看法能讓你知道他的核心價(jià)值觀，以及他對(duì)生活的態(tài)度，”《交往：從你好到我愿意》一書(shū)的作者妮娜#8226;阿特伍德說(shuō)，“你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)他是不是很重視地位和財(cái)富，以及感情和家庭在他心中的份量?！贝送膺€要注意他的消費(fèi)習(xí)慣，比如他是否會(huì)為吃飯付賬而爭(zhēng)執(zhí)不休，他小費(fèi)給多少，以及他會(huì)送什么樣的禮物。他的行為能反映出他究竟是一個(gè)慷慨的人，還是一個(gè)鐵公雞——不僅限于他對(duì)于錢(qián)的態(tài)度?！叭绻偸仟?dú)享財(cái)富，而不是與他人分享，他可能在感情上也是一個(gè)自私的人，”索珊娜說(shuō)?！叭绻活欁约旱慕?jīng)濟(jì)實(shí)力，一味從金錢(qián)上幫助別人，他有可能是想通過(guò)花錢(qián)來(lái)贏得別人的認(rèn)同和贊許?！?/p>
His Childhood Demons
童年陰影
\"To really understand someone， you need to uncover his past insecurities and fears，\" says Atwood. And there's no better way to shed light on his underlying issues than by finding out about those scary experiences at the most vulnerable time of his life - childhood. Ask him what day he wishes he could redo， the biggest misconception people had about him as a teenager， or who scared him the most. \"If he says he was criticized constantly by a particular teacher， it may explain why he's afraid of his superiors looking down on him，\" explains Shoshanna. \"Or perhaps a sibling was favored over him growing up， which might reveal why he feels possessive or competitive in close relationships.\"
“要真正了解一個(gè)人，你需要了解他過(guò)去的恐懼和不安，”阿特伍德說(shuō)。了解他在最軟弱無(wú)助的童年時(shí)的不幸經(jīng)歷，這是了解他內(nèi)心深處問(wèn)題的最好方法。問(wèn)問(wèn)生命中哪段時(shí)間他最希望可以重新來(lái)過(guò)？年少時(shí)人們對(duì)他的最大誤解是什么？或者是什么人最讓他害怕？“如果他告訴你他過(guò)去總是被某個(gè)老師批評(píng)，那可能就是他現(xiàn)在為什么這么害怕上司瞧不起他的原因，”索珊娜說(shuō)?！盎蛘叱砷L(zhǎng)中，在兄弟姐妹里他總是得不到寵愛(ài)的那個(gè)，這可能導(dǎo)致他在以后的親密關(guān)系中表現(xiàn)得占有欲過(guò)強(qiáng)，或者好勝?！?/p>
If He's Ever Had His Heart Broken
哀莫大于心死
\"If he's been brokenhearted and says he's come to terms with it， he could have an optimistic side you didn't know about，\" says Real. But if he speaks of himself as a victim， it can point to why he may be cynical about other things falling through - jobs， trips， reservations - that have absolutely nada to do with love.
“如果他告訴你他曾被人傷了心，但是現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)釋?xiě)眩敲此赡苡心氵€不曾發(fā)現(xiàn)的積極樂(lè)觀的一面，”里爾說(shuō)。但是如果他總是以受害者的身份自居，那可能就是他為什么在后來(lái)的其它事情上也總是那么憤世嫉俗的原因——工作，旅行，預(yù)約——即使是那些與愛(ài)毫無(wú)關(guān)系的事情也不例外。
What if he's been spared? \"It may mean he hasn't let down his guard enough to let anyone in，\" says Real， \"and that cautiousness can be apparent in other areas of his life.\" (Finally， the reason why he didn't jump on that bargain apartment!) Then again， some guys who haven't been dumped are more open and fearless in general because they're not weighed down by emotional baggage. \"And，\" says Real， \"it can also tell you that he knows what he wants and what is good for him—in any situation.\"
如果是另外一種情況呢？“那可能意味著他還沒(méi)有完全卸下防備，不愿讓別人進(jìn)入他的世界，”里爾說(shuō)，“而這種小心翼翼也可能體現(xiàn)在生活的其它方面。”（終于明白他為什么會(huì)對(duì)購(gòu)買(mǎi)那套超劃算的公寓猶豫不決了吧?。┓粗?，那些沒(méi)有被人拋棄過(guò)的男性總體上會(huì)更容易溝通，不會(huì)那么畏手畏腳，因?yàn)樗麄儧](méi)有被感情負(fù)擔(dān)壓垮?！斑€有，”里爾說(shuō)，“由此你還可以推斷他在任何情況下都知道自己想要什么，知道什么對(duì)他來(lái)說(shuō)是最好的?！?/p>
Links
1現(xiàn)代戀愛(ài)觀
正如林夕那首《色戒》：“不要以為你只有他安慰，不要以為眼角眉梢只是種點(diǎn)綴，他不是臉色明媚，誰(shuí)會(huì)想入非非……”很多瞬間戀愛(ài)的開(kāi)始取決于男女的外在美，或是某種獨(dú)特的氣質(zhì)，正所謂一見(jiàn)鐘情，大概就是如此。但無(wú)論哪種戀愛(ài)，都要兩人真心的付出才能修成正果。女人喜歡男人耐心的安慰，男人卻喜歡女人多點(diǎn)理解。女人喜歡若有似無(wú)的情調(diào)，男人卻想得到自己的獨(dú)立和自尊。女人喜歡男人的安全感，更喜歡男人的體貼。男人喜歡女人的外表美，更喜歡女人的內(nèi)在美?？傊?，矛盾無(wú)處不在。
信任是一切的基礎(chǔ)，任何一個(gè)男人都希望他的女人依靠和信賴(lài)他。在他的朋友面前，要給他十足的地位。面子對(duì)男人來(lái)說(shuō)比什么都重要，不要介意在人前當(dāng)個(gè)小女人，要知道小女人都是男人寵出來(lái)的。男人不管他外表有多強(qiáng)大，但骨子里都還是一個(gè)孩子。在他任性的時(shí)候不要對(duì)他大吼大叫。最有效的辦法是陪他一起瘋。等他平靜后輕輕地告訴他你很愛(ài)他。但過(guò)多的縱容和關(guān)愛(ài)只會(huì)適得其反，趙趙曾經(jīng)說(shuō)過(guò)：生命是一張錦，男人是錦上添的花。意思是，有他更好，沒(méi)他也無(wú)所謂。所以完全沒(méi)必要“非君不可”，只有在保持自己獨(dú)立的自尊時(shí)，你的愛(ài)情才不會(huì)顯得卑微和廉價(jià)。
記住一個(gè)事實(shí)，并非付出了就一定能得到回報(bào)，這個(gè)世界沒(méi)有那么公平，人實(shí)在有太多的選擇。你想滿(mǎn)足自己精神上的需求而不是瞬間表面的滿(mǎn)足，就一定要用心去了解和關(guān)愛(ài)。男人都愿意做風(fēng)箏，只要線還在你手里，那么就放他去飛吧。
2 clam up
指沉默寡言的人。這里指因?yàn)檫^(guò)多的詢(xún)問(wèn)而使得男人拒不開(kāi)口，只字不提。
3 give a bunch of it away
原意為“送出去，分發(fā)，放棄，泄露，出賣(mài)”。在文章中是指將一部分的錢(qián)送給或捐獻(xiàn)給別人。
Every woman wants to know her man inside and out. But getting a guy to bare his soul is no easy feat. Luckily， experts discovered the tactics you need to use to start him spilling.
每一個(gè)女人都想從里到外徹底地了解他的男人。但是，讓一個(gè)男人對(duì)你毫無(wú)保留可不是一件容易的事情。幸運(yùn)的是，專(zhuān)家自有戰(zhàn)術(shù)，讓他在不知不覺(jué)中泄露自己的秘密。
It's only natural to want to read your guy as thoroughly as the latest issue of Cosmo. Problem is， it's often super hard to get a boyfriend to open up. Not only are men wired differently (they don't put the same emphasis on spill-it-all talkathons like we do)， but they've also been socialized to keep the most intimate parts of themselves hidden (no， we don't mean what's under their boxer-briefs.
女人們總希望能夠像翻閱《時(shí)尚》雜志一樣透徹地了解自己的男人。但問(wèn)題是，讓一個(gè)男人敞開(kāi)心扉可不像翻本雜志那么簡(jiǎn)單。這不僅僅因?yàn)樗麄兊乃伎挤绞胶臀覀儾煌ú煌谂?，男人們?duì)于一吐為快傾心懇談的熱情并不高），而且社會(huì)環(huán)境的打磨也讓他們傾向于將自己最隱秘的部分藏起來(lái)（別誤會(huì)，我們可不是在說(shuō)他們內(nèi)褲里面的那部分）。
\"Women often expect the sort of intimate communication they have with their female friends with the men in their lives，\" says Nancy Rosenbach， Ph.D.， a clinical psychologist and couples therapist in New York City. \"But men may be more protective of their feelings and vulnerabilities. Women have to learn not only to accept this but to work around it.\" How? By letting go of tired old tactics like barraging him with invasive ploys in favor of subtler ways to tease him out of his shell. Here， we map out the best methods to get your man to start talking， plus the key personal info you need to truly know him. Together， they'll have you connecting with your guy like never before.
“女性經(jīng)常希望和自己的男人能夠像與閨中密友一樣深入交流，”紐約臨床心理學(xué)家和婚姻問(wèn)題咨詢(xún)師南茜#8226;羅森巴赫博士說(shuō)，“但是男性對(duì)于他們的感情和弱點(diǎn)卻總是諱莫如深。女性不僅要接受這個(gè)事實(shí)，而且還要學(xué)會(huì)旁敲側(cè)擊?！痹趺醋瞿兀渴紫纫蕴切┵M(fèi)力不討好的過(guò)時(shí)伎倆，比如得理不饒人的咄咄逼人。相反，要采用更溫柔的戰(zhàn)術(shù)誘敵出洞。我們列出了一些最好的方法來(lái)幫你撬開(kāi)他們的嘴。此外還有一些重要的信息讓你真正了解你的他。綜合運(yùn)用，你將會(huì)對(duì)你的男人有個(gè)全新的認(rèn)識(shí)。
Part1: Getting Your Guy to Open Up
第一步：敞開(kāi)心扉
Finding out what's running through that sexy brain of his is easy - as long as you employ these five simple strategies.
想知道他那迷人可愛(ài)的腦袋里究竟在想什么？簡(jiǎn)單！只要采取下面六個(gè)策略就沒(méi)問(wèn)題。
Tip 1 Know When and Where to Try
第一招 天時(shí)地利
\"Time and place are crucial to getting a man to emote，\" says Brenda Shoshanna， Ph.D.， a psychotherapist in New York City， and author of Zen and the Art of Falling in Love. \"Many women seem to pick the wrong moment: when he's exhausted， when he's preoccupied， when he simply wants to be quiet.\" Consider what happened to Laura， 26. \"One night， I figured my guy was in a relaxed mood because his friends were coming over to watch a game， so I asked him about a recent fight he'd had with his friend John - I was curious. He mumbled something and turned on the TV. It was so frustrating.\"
“想讓一個(gè)男人吐露心聲，時(shí)機(jī)和場(chǎng)合很重要，”紐約精神治療醫(yī)師布蘭達(dá)#8226;索珊娜博士說(shuō)。索珊娜博士是《戀愛(ài)的禪宗與藝術(shù)》一書(shū)的作者。“許多女性經(jīng)常選錯(cuò)點(diǎn)：要么是在他精疲力竭的時(shí)候，要么是在他專(zhuān)注于某事的時(shí)候，或者是他只想獨(dú)處的時(shí)候?！迸e個(gè)例子，看看今年26歲的羅拉吧?！坝刑焱砩?，我覺(jué)得他心情還不錯(cuò)，因?yàn)樗呐笥岩獊?lái)家里看球。所以我就問(wèn)了幾句之前他和朋友約翰的一次爭(zhēng)執(zhí)——我只是好奇而已。可他咕噥了幾句就打開(kāi)了電視。我覺(jué)得特沮喪?！?/p>
Shoshanna suggests making time to mind-meld when you aren't expecting visitors or when he isn't distracted. \"Also try to chat while the two of you are doing something together， like taking a long walk or washing the dishes，\" says Deborah Tannen. Ph.D.， Georgetown University linguistics professor and author of You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. \"Don't insist that he look at you if his eyes are fastened elsewhere while he's listening，\" she says. \"Most men feel more comfortable talking when they're not looking directly at you.\"
索珊娜博士建議，兩人間的親密交流最好選在沒(méi)有客人來(lái)訪時(shí)，或者是沒(méi)有其它事讓他分心的時(shí)候?！按送猓瑑扇艘黄鹱瞿呈聲r(shí)也可以試著和他交流，比如一起散步或洗碗時(shí)，”喬治城大學(xué)語(yǔ)言學(xué)教授黛博拉#8226;譚妮博士這么認(rèn)為。譚妮博士同時(shí)還是《你始終不明白：男女間的談話(huà)》一書(shū)的作者?！叭绻诼?tīng)你說(shuō)話(huà)時(shí)眼睛望向別處的話(huà)，不要強(qiáng)求他看著你，”她說(shuō)?！按蟛糠帜行栽谡勗?huà)時(shí)會(huì)覺(jué)得四目相對(duì)很別扭?！?/p>
Tip 2 Be a Supporter， Not an Interrogator
第二招 關(guān)愛(ài)有方
We chicks mean well but frequently fall into the 20-questions trap - bombarding our guys with too many queries too fast and sounding like a prosecutor - which makes men more likely to clam up than confide. How to set the right tone for talk? Rosenbach suggests that instead of making declarative statements like \"Talk to me!” you try open-ended ones like “What do you think about…\" \"Also， avoid starting sentences with 'How come you never talk about…'\"adds Debra Rosenzweig， Ph.D.， a clinical psychologist in New York City.” It immediately puts him on the defensive. Just be encouraging.\" Meredith， 31 figured this out by accident. \"I rarely see my boyfriend during the week， so on Friday nights I'd ask about his job. He'd always say 'It's fine，' then change the subject. But one time I gave him a hug and a glass of wine and said he looked like he needed a back rub， and he told me more about work in that one night than all the others combined. I realized that he'll open up on his own if I'm just there for him.\"
我們女人的本意都是好的，卻經(jīng)常在無(wú)意中使關(guān)心變了性質(zhì)——連珠炮似的問(wèn)個(gè)不停，語(yǔ)速又快，活像個(gè)檢察官在審犯人——這只會(huì)讓男人更守口如瓶。那么談話(huà)中究竟該用什么語(yǔ)氣呢？羅森巴赫建議我們避免使用命令式的語(yǔ)句，比如，“說(shuō)話(huà)啊你！”，而應(yīng)多用開(kāi)放式的句子，比如“你覺(jué)得……怎么樣”。 “此外，不要劈頭就問(wèn)：‘你怎么從來(lái)不跟我說(shuō)……’”，紐約臨床心理學(xué)家黛布拉#8226; 羅森薇格博士補(bǔ)充：“這會(huì)立刻激起他們的逆反心理。要鼓勵(lì)他們?！?1歲的梅雷迪思因?yàn)橐淮吻珊习l(fā)現(xiàn)了一個(gè)好方法?！拔移綍r(shí)工作時(shí)很少跟我男朋友見(jiàn)面，所以星期五晚上我都會(huì)問(wèn)他的工作怎么樣。他總是說(shuō)‘還不錯(cuò)啊’，然后就岔開(kāi)話(huà)題。但是有一天，我擁抱著他，給他倒了杯酒，問(wèn)他要不要揉揉肩什么的，然后那天晚上他跟我談的工作比之前加起來(lái)的還要多。那時(shí)我便意識(shí)到，只要在身邊陪著他，他自己會(huì)開(kāi)口的?！?/p>
Tip 3 Avoid the F Word
第三招 避“情”不談
\"Literally， every time I mention the word feelings， my boyfriend looks like I just asked him to run around the block buck naked，\" says Kate， 27. And no wonder: \"Guys have been taught to think it's unmanly to discuss their emotions， so they'll often get annoyed if you ask them to，\" says Rosenzweig. Talk about his past experiences and future plans instead. Since men respond well in conversations focused on goals， couch any personal questions in goal-specific terms， says Shoshanna. \"Rather than asking how getting laid off made him feel， ask how it challenged him and what he thought of the outcome.\"
“幾乎每次我跟我男朋友提到‘感情’兩個(gè)字時(shí)，他的表情都好像我要他在大街上裸奔似的，”27歲的凱特抱怨道。其實(shí)這也不難理解。羅森薇格說(shuō)：“男人們從小接受的教育就是，吐苦水的男人都是娘娘腔，所以當(dāng)你讓他們跟你談心時(shí)，男人們難免會(huì)有抵觸?！毕喾?，試著談?wù)撨^(guò)去的經(jīng)歷和將來(lái)的計(jì)劃，他們就會(huì)明顯有興趣得多。因?yàn)槟腥藗兌急容^關(guān)注目標(biāo)理想之類(lèi)的話(huà)題，索珊娜建議大家把很私人的問(wèn)題都明確化?！安灰獑?wèn)下崗后他有什么感覺(jué)，問(wèn)他下崗給他帶來(lái)了什么困難，問(wèn)他覺(jué)得結(jié)果怎么樣?！?/p>
Tip 4 Expose Secrets about Yourself
第四招 推心置腹
\"Everyone learns by example，\" says Rosenzweig. \"If your guy hears you expressing yourself freely， it's likely that he'll start to trust you and feel safer trying to do the same.\" So speak openly and honestly. \"My boyfriend made it clear from the beginning that talking about his parents was off-limits，\" says Sophie， 22. \"They'd been through a nasty divorce when he was a teenager. But when I told him about the problems my older sister and I had as kids， he started sharing more. He later told me he was relieved to know he wasn't the only one with a dysfunctional family.\"
“榜樣的力量無(wú)窮大，”羅森薇格說(shuō)?！叭绻茨銦o(wú)拘束地談?wù)撟约旱母惺?，有可能他也?huì)開(kāi)始相信你，嘗試對(duì)你敞開(kāi)心扉?！彼砸_(kāi)誠(chéng)布公，以誠(chéng)相待?！拔夷信笥褟囊婚_(kāi)始就不愿談?wù)撍母改?，?2歲的索菲說(shuō)?！八麄?cè)谒€是個(gè)孩子時(shí)就離婚了。但當(dāng)我告訴他自己和姐姐的童年時(shí)，他和我逐漸有了更多的交流。他后來(lái)告訴我，當(dāng)他知道并不是只有自己的家庭才這么不幸時(shí)，心里輕松了許多?！?/p>
Tip 5 Know When to Hit the Pause Button
第五招 適可而止
It may sound harsh， but sometimes the best way to get your man to open up is to shut up. \"Women often focus on knowing every bit of information about their boyfriends， to the point where it almost becomes an obsession，\" says Rosenzweig. \"But that can be intrusive， particularly for a man who needs his space.\" In fact， if you sit back and let things happen， your guy will be more likely to share personal info with you. He'll know that it's his choice to communicate， not something that is being forced out of him. \"Silence makes me nervous，\" says Greta， 29. \"So I'd always ask my fiancé， 'What are you thinking about?' and 'Are you all right?' He'd freak and say my constant questioning was stressing him out. So I pulled back. Within a month， I noticed how much more he piped up when something was on his mind.\"
聽(tīng)起來(lái)有些不可思議，不過(guò)有時(shí)讓男人敞開(kāi)心扉的最好策略還真得就是忍住不問(wèn)?！芭钥偸窍胫狸P(guān)于他們男朋友的每一個(gè)小細(xì)節(jié)，情況嚴(yán)重時(shí)近乎一種強(qiáng)迫癥，”羅森薇格說(shuō)?！暗沁@種打破沙鍋問(wèn)到底的做法有時(shí)會(huì)侵犯了對(duì)方的隱私，尤其是那些很在意私人空間的男性?！睂?shí)際上，如果你能夠放松心情，讓一切順其自然，你的男人很有可能會(huì)主動(dòng)找你談心。這樣他才會(huì)覺(jué)得交流與否都是他自己的選擇，而不是被強(qiáng)迫的?！俺聊瑫?huì)讓我緊張，”29歲的格瑞塔說(shuō)。“所以我總是問(wèn)我未婚夫‘你在想什么？’和‘你沒(méi)事吧？’，他就會(huì)抓狂，說(shuō)我不斷地問(wèn)東問(wèn)西給他造成了很大的壓力。所以我就不再過(guò)問(wèn)。在這之后不到一個(gè)月的時(shí)間里，我注意到，當(dāng)他心里有事時(shí)，比以前懂得傾訴了?！?/p>
Tip 6 Don't Ask
第六招 沉默是金
Contrary to popular belief， it's not important to hear how many women your guy's slept with…so long as you know he's STD-free. A high number may simply mean that， like a lot of people， he had a period of promiscuity or he got involved with a slew of women who ultimately weren't right for him. What matters is that he likely learned from those experiences.
不同于主流的觀點(diǎn)，但實(shí)際上你的男人之前有過(guò)多少女人并不是那么重要……只要你知道他沒(méi)有什么奇怪的病就可以了。就算他之前同許多女人有染，那也只能說(shuō)明他和很多人一樣曾經(jīng)放縱過(guò)，或者是他同許多最終都不適合他的女性交往過(guò)。重要的是，他很可能從那段經(jīng)歷中懂得了一些道理。
Part 2: What You Need To Know
第二步：無(wú)微不至
Once you've perfectly positioned yourself to get him gabbing， here are the core issues to delve into.
當(dāng)你讓他滔滔不絕的本領(lǐng)已經(jīng)爐火純青時(shí)，就應(yīng)開(kāi)始關(guān)注下面這些核心問(wèn)題。
What Lights His Fire
喜怒哀樂(lè)
Ferreting out what pushes his buttons - positively and negatively - is key. \"Guys often hide their passionate sides from women when it doesn't involve romance or sex，\" says Michele Weiner Davis， author of A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man: Without His Even knowing it. But it's crucial to know what gets his blood pumping outside your relationship. \"If a man can admit what makes him happy and upset， you'll uncover a lot about his hidden characteristics，\" says Terrence Real， a psychotherapist in Watertown， Massachusetts， and author of How Can I Get Through to You: Closing the intimacy Gap. Ask him the most exciting thing he'd want to do with his life if he knew it would be cut short - it may indicate where his true desires lie.
找到他的情緒按鈕——積極的和消極的——是關(guān)鍵?！霸诓簧婕皭?ài)情與性的問(wèn)題上，男性通常會(huì)將自己熱情的一面隱藏起來(lái)，”米歇爾#8226;#8226;#8226;薇娜#8226;戴維斯說(shuō)，她是《神不知鬼不覺(jué)地改變男人》一書(shū)的作者。但是女性有必要知道在他們的關(guān)系之外，究竟還有哪些事情能夠讓她的男人情緒激動(dòng)。“如果一個(gè)男人告訴你他的喜好厭惡，你便能更好地了解他不為人知的一面，”麻省水鎮(zhèn)的心理咨詢(xún)師特蕾絲#8226;里爾說(shuō)。里爾是《如何更好地交流：填補(bǔ)愛(ài)人間的隔閡》一書(shū)的作者。問(wèn)他如果他的生命所剩無(wú)幾，他最想在剩下的時(shí)間里做些什么——問(wèn)題的答案可能反映出他真正的理想。
The Role He Plays in His Social Circle
生旦凈末丑
\"You can learn a lot about a man's character by looking at his friends，\" says Brenda Shoshanna， Ph.D.， a psychotherapist in New York City. A fun way to broach the subject: Have him cast himself and all of his buddies in one of his favorite movies. Another tactic is watching his hangout habits. Say his posse always lets him choose the bar; he may be a natural leader who'll wind up running his own company. Or he may just be bossy. Another indicator: Does he drop everything whenever a friend calls， or is he the \"Sorry dude， can't help ya\" type? It'll show how much of a selfless or me-first person he is.
“觀其友而知其人，”紐約的心理咨詢(xún)師布蘭達(dá)#8226;索珊娜博士說(shuō)。有一種很有意思的方法來(lái)處理這個(gè)問(wèn)題：讓他來(lái)決定自己和朋友們?cè)谒钕矚g的一部電影里的角色。另一個(gè)技巧是觀察他和朋友們?cè)谝黄饡r(shí)的表現(xiàn)。如果朋友們總讓他選酒吧的話(huà)，說(shuō)明他可能天生具有領(lǐng)袖氣質(zhì)，最終有可能成為自己公司的領(lǐng)導(dǎo)；不過(guò)也有可能是他喜歡發(fā)號(hào)施令，比較專(zhuān)橫。還有一項(xiàng)指標(biāo)：朋友有難時(shí)他會(huì)不會(huì)立刻放下手邊的活，全力幫助，還是他只會(huì)說(shuō)“不好意思，兄弟，這事兒我?guī)筒涣四恪薄倪@一點(diǎn)你能看出他是不是個(gè)自私自利、以自我為中心的人。
Also look at the size of his social pool. \"If he has lots of casual acquaintances， he may have many different sides， but it could also indicate that he's not comfortable with intimate relationships，\" says Real. If he has just a few very close compadres， it can show why he might pour his energy into one or two things， whether it's spending every Sunday working on his car or logging extra hours on the job.
此外，還要看看他的社交范圍?！叭绻泻芏嗖⒉皇呛苡H密的朋友，說(shuō)明他可能八面玲瓏，但也有可能是他不喜歡和別人走得太近，”里爾說(shuō)。如果他只有幾個(gè)死黨，這可能就是為什么他總是全力投入一兩件事情的原因，可能是整個(gè)星期天都在忙他的車(chē)，也可能是在為工作加班加點(diǎn)。
What Money Means to Him
君子愛(ài)財(cái)
Ask him what he'd do if he won a million dollars tomorrow. Would he quit his job， give a bunch of it away， or splurge on himself?
問(wèn)問(wèn)他如果明天忽然有了一百萬(wàn)美元，他想做什么。會(huì)不會(huì)辭掉工作，會(huì)不會(huì)捐出一部分錢(qián)，還是揮霍奢侈一番？
\"Understanding his materialistic side will reveal his core values and the way he looks at life，\" says Nina Atwood， author of Date Lines: Communication From Hello to I Do. \"You'll find out if status and possessions are important to him or if he puts relationships and family above all else.\" Also note his spending habits， such as whether he bickers over every dinner bill， how much he tips， and what kinds of gifts he gives. His behavior will indicate how generous or stingy he is - and not just about his cash. \"If he indulges himself rather than sharing his wealth， it may mean he has a hard time being emotionally giving，\" explains Shoshanna. \"If he goes beyond his means to lavish his finances on others， he may be trying to buy people's approval.\"
“理解他對(duì)于物質(zhì)金錢(qián)的看法能讓你知道他的核心價(jià)值觀，以及他對(duì)生活的態(tài)度，”《交往：從你好到我愿意》一書(shū)的作者妮娜#8226;阿特伍德說(shuō)，“你會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)他是不是很重視地位和財(cái)富，以及感情和家庭在他心中的份量?！贝送膺€要注意他的消費(fèi)習(xí)慣，比如他是否會(huì)為吃飯付賬而爭(zhēng)執(zhí)不休，他小費(fèi)給多少，以及他會(huì)送什么樣的禮物。他的行為能反映出他究竟是一個(gè)慷慨的人，還是一個(gè)鐵公雞——不僅限于他對(duì)于錢(qián)的態(tài)度?！叭绻偸仟?dú)享財(cái)富，而不是與他人分享，他可能在感情上也是一個(gè)自私的人，”索珊娜說(shuō)?！叭绻活欁约旱慕?jīng)濟(jì)實(shí)力，一味從金錢(qián)上幫助別人，他有可能是想通過(guò)花錢(qián)來(lái)贏得別人的認(rèn)同和贊許?！?/p>
His Childhood Demons
童年陰影
\"To really understand someone， you need to uncover his past insecurities and fears，\" says Atwood. And there's no better way to shed light on his underlying issues than by finding out about those scary experiences at the most vulnerable time of his life - childhood. Ask him what day he wishes he could redo， the biggest misconception people had about him as a teenager， or who scared him the most. \"If he says he was criticized constantly by a particular teacher， it may explain why he's afraid of his superiors looking down on him，\" explains Shoshanna. \"Or perhaps a sibling was favored over him growing up， which might reveal why he feels possessive or competitive in close relationships.\"
“要真正了解一個(gè)人，你需要了解他過(guò)去的恐懼和不安，”阿特伍德說(shuō)。了解他在最軟弱無(wú)助的童年時(shí)的不幸經(jīng)歷，這是了解他內(nèi)心深處問(wèn)題的最好方法。問(wèn)問(wèn)生命中哪段時(shí)間他最希望可以重新來(lái)過(guò)？年少時(shí)人們對(duì)他的最大誤解是什么？或者是什么人最讓他害怕？“如果他告訴你他過(guò)去總是被某個(gè)老師批評(píng)，那可能就是他現(xiàn)在為什么這么害怕上司瞧不起他的原因，”索珊娜說(shuō)?！盎蛘叱砷L(zhǎng)中，在兄弟姐妹里他總是得不到寵愛(ài)的那個(gè)，這可能導(dǎo)致他在以后的親密關(guān)系中表現(xiàn)得占有欲過(guò)強(qiáng)，或者好勝?！?/p>
If He's Ever Had His Heart Broken
哀莫大于心死
\"If he's been brokenhearted and says he's come to terms with it， he could have an optimistic side you didn't know about，\" says Real. But if he speaks of himself as a victim， it can point to why he may be cynical about other things falling through - jobs， trips， reservations - that have absolutely nada to do with love.
“如果他告訴你他曾被人傷了心，但是現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)釋?xiě)眩敲此赡苡心氵€不曾發(fā)現(xiàn)的積極樂(lè)觀的一面，”里爾說(shuō)。但是如果他總是以受害者的身份自居，那可能就是他為什么在后來(lái)的其它事情上也總是那么憤世嫉俗的原因——工作，旅行，預(yù)約——即使是那些與愛(ài)毫無(wú)關(guān)系的事情也不例外。
What if he's been spared? \"It may mean he hasn't let down his guard enough to let anyone in，\" says Real， \"and that cautiousness can be apparent in other areas of his life.\" (Finally， the reason why he didn't jump on that bargain apartment!) Then again， some guys who haven't been dumped are more open and fearless in general because they're not weighed down by emotional baggage. \"And，\" says Real， \"it can also tell you that he knows what he wants and what is good for him—in any situation.\"
如果是另外一種情況呢？“那可能意味著他還沒(méi)有完全卸下防備，不愿讓別人進(jìn)入他的世界，”里爾說(shuō)，“而這種小心翼翼也可能體現(xiàn)在生活的其它方面。”（終于明白他為什么會(huì)對(duì)購(gòu)買(mǎi)那套超劃算的公寓猶豫不決了吧?。┓粗?，那些沒(méi)有被人拋棄過(guò)的男性總體上會(huì)更容易溝通，不會(huì)那么畏手畏腳，因?yàn)樗麄儧](méi)有被感情負(fù)擔(dān)壓垮?！斑€有，”里爾說(shuō)，“由此你還可以推斷他在任何情況下都知道自己想要什么，知道什么對(duì)他來(lái)說(shuō)是最好的?！?/p>
Links
1現(xiàn)代戀愛(ài)觀
正如林夕那首《色戒》：“不要以為你只有他安慰，不要以為眼角眉梢只是種點(diǎn)綴，他不是臉色明媚，誰(shuí)會(huì)想入非非……”很多瞬間戀愛(ài)的開(kāi)始取決于男女的外在美，或是某種獨(dú)特的氣質(zhì)，正所謂一見(jiàn)鐘情，大概就是如此。但無(wú)論哪種戀愛(ài)，都要兩人真心的付出才能修成正果。女人喜歡男人耐心的安慰，男人卻喜歡女人多點(diǎn)理解。女人喜歡若有似無(wú)的情調(diào)，男人卻想得到自己的獨(dú)立和自尊。女人喜歡男人的安全感，更喜歡男人的體貼。男人喜歡女人的外表美，更喜歡女人的內(nèi)在美?？傊?，矛盾無(wú)處不在。
信任是一切的基礎(chǔ)，任何一個(gè)男人都希望他的女人依靠和信賴(lài)他。在他的朋友面前，要給他十足的地位。面子對(duì)男人來(lái)說(shuō)比什么都重要，不要介意在人前當(dāng)個(gè)小女人，要知道小女人都是男人寵出來(lái)的。男人不管他外表有多強(qiáng)大，但骨子里都還是一個(gè)孩子。在他任性的時(shí)候不要對(duì)他大吼大叫。最有效的辦法是陪他一起瘋。等他平靜后輕輕地告訴他你很愛(ài)他。但過(guò)多的縱容和關(guān)愛(ài)只會(huì)適得其反，趙趙曾經(jīng)說(shuō)過(guò)：生命是一張錦，男人是錦上添的花。意思是，有他更好，沒(méi)他也無(wú)所謂。所以完全沒(méi)必要“非君不可”，只有在保持自己獨(dú)立的自尊時(shí)，你的愛(ài)情才不會(huì)顯得卑微和廉價(jià)。
記住一個(gè)事實(shí)，并非付出了就一定能得到回報(bào)，這個(gè)世界沒(méi)有那么公平，人實(shí)在有太多的選擇。你想滿(mǎn)足自己精神上的需求而不是瞬間表面的滿(mǎn)足，就一定要用心去了解和關(guān)愛(ài)。男人都愿意做風(fēng)箏，只要線還在你手里，那么就放他去飛吧。
2 clam up
指沉默寡言的人。這里指因?yàn)檫^(guò)多的詢(xún)問(wèn)而使得男人拒不開(kāi)口，只字不提。
3 give a bunch of it away
原意為“送出去，分發(fā)，放棄，泄露，出賣(mài)”。在文章中是指將一部分的錢(qián)送給或捐獻(xiàn)給別人。
