Ａｎｄｙ　Ｓｉｍｍｏｎｓ

潘晨曦/編譯

Ive suddenly become nostalgic for my old one-room,half-bath, 12-story walk-up in the citys hovel district. Let me explain.

It all started simply enough. Soon after we moved to the country, my wife,Jennifer,decided that our backyard was sorely in need of some landscaping work.

“Whats wrong with it?” I asked. “Look at how fat and sassy our grass is. I bet we have the fattest, sassiest lawn in the neigh-borhood.”

Thats when Jennifer let me in on a little secret. There is no grass on our lawn. Only fat, sassy poison ivy.

I pointed out that unlike everything else in the yard, the ivy was thriving and maybe we should go after something else, like that malingering rosebush.

“Why evict the one thing that actually wants to be here?” I reasoned.

Heres why:Jennifer doesnt like poison ivy. Something about the word poison makes her think it cant be good for you.

So we called in landscapers to get estimates. The first took one look at our lawn, then called his car dealer and ordered a BMW, the one that comes with a chauffeur. The second charged by the blade of grass. Thats when I drove into town looking for one of those cheap illegal aliens the media insists is on every street corner in America.

“Are you an illegal alien?” I asked the first man I saw.

“No, Im the mayor,”he said.

“Are you an illegal alien?”I asked another.

“No, Im your neighbor.”

“Are you an illegal alien?”

“No, Im your wife,you idiot,”said Jennifer,shoving a rake in my hand and telling me to take care of things myself.

One of the problems with poison ivy is you cant simply grab it by the collar and toss it out like some drunk from a bar. You have to suit up for battle-rubber gloves duct-taped to a long-sleeved shirt buttoned to your neck. Long pants with the cuffs duct-taped over your socks and work boots. A scarf wrapped tightly around neck and face,duct-taped to goggles and hat,completes the jackass look. Armed with pruner and weed killer,I was no longer simply a homeowner unable to find an illegal alien to do the work he didnt want to do. I was,in fact,a Knight of the Backyard Realm.

Since I had no idea what poison ivy looked like,I kept my plan of attack simple: Anything remotely planty goes. Ferns? Gone! Hosta? Gone! Rosebush? Gone! Trees? Gone! Mailbox? Gone! I wash Sherman marching on Atlanta, laying waste to anything in my path. What the weedkiller didnt get,I ripped out by hand. What I couldnt rip out, I ran over with my car.

“Thats the Japanese maple!”screamed Jennifer.

“Now its mulch,”I said,grinning devilishly over the whirring engine of my 95 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme.

By the end of the day,Id rid the yard of all the poison ivy save for one sorry little clump. Like the heads of the vanquished left on spikes outside medieval castle walls, it served as a warning to any of its kin that might dare to show their three shiny leaves around here.

Hot and tired,and feeling pretty damn good about myself,I unraveled the four rolls of duct tape that had adhered to my body and stepped out of my sweat-soaked clothes,27 pounds lighter than when I entered them. The shrieks of horror from my 78-year-old neighbor spying my near-naked body startled me so,that I tripped down a small embankment—only to be saved by the soft,pillowy embrace of the remaining clump of poison ivy.

As I bathed in calamine lotion,Jennifer figured out that all my tireless work had reduced our homes value by a third. So she hired one of the landscapers to return the yard to its previous state of disrepair. We went with the guy who charged by the blade of grass. With no lawn left,how expensive could it be?

我突然懷念起曾經(jīng)住過的在城市陋屋區(qū)的舊房子來，陋室在12層的公寓上，沒有電梯，只有一間屋子，半個衛(wèi)生間。事情是這樣的：

這一切發(fā)生得非常簡單。我們搬到鄉(xiāng)下后不久，我的妻子，詹妮弗，覺得后院需要一次徹底的整理。

“后院怎么了？”我問道，“看看我們院子里的草長得多壯實，多招搖。我敢打賭，這一帶可沒有哪家能比得上我們?！?/p>

這時候詹妮弗透露了一個小秘密，我們草坪上的根本就不是草，只有壯實、招搖的毒葛。

我認(rèn)為，毒葛長得欣欣向榮，可不像后院的其他植物，我們也許應(yīng)該除掉其他東西，比如說那個看起來病怏怏的玫瑰。

我據(jù)理力爭：“為什么要把真正想在這兒安家落戶的驅(qū)逐出去呢？”

原因是：詹妮弗不喜歡毒葛，她認(rèn)為名字中帶“毒”的都不是好東西。

所以我們請來了造園師來估算一下。第一個人看了一眼我們的草坪，然后就打電話給他的汽車經(jīng)銷商，定了一輛寶馬，是帶私人司機(jī)的那種。另一個是按草葉的數(shù)量收費(fèi)的。于是我開車去鎮(zhèn)上，找那些媒體堅信在美國大街小巷都會有的廉價的非法移民。

“你是非法移民嗎？”我問第一個見到的男人。

“不是，我是鎮(zhèn)長?！彼f。

“你是非法移民嗎？”我問另一個人。

“不是，我是你的鄰居。”

“你是非法移民嗎？”

“不是，我是你老婆，你這個白癡。”詹妮弗邊說，邊把鏟子塞到我手中，讓我自己解決問題。

毒葛令人棘手的一個問題是：不能像拽酒鬼那樣，只要揪住領(lǐng)口，把它從酒吧里拖出來就行。你必須全副武裝：戴上橡膠手套，用膠帶把它粘在長袖襯衣上，衣服扣一直扣到脖子這兒。穿上長褲，褲腿用膠帶粘在襪子和工作靴上，再系上一條圍巾，緊緊地繞著脖子，臉也埋在護(hù)目鏡和帽子里。再配上除草機(jī)和修枝剪，我不再僅僅是一個房主，找不到非法移民來解決令我頭疼的問題，我是后院王國的騎士。

因為我實在不知道毒葛究竟長什么樣，我制定了最簡單的作戰(zhàn)計劃：任何和植物長得差不多的都消滅掉：厥類植物？消滅！玉簪屬植物？消滅！薔薇？消滅！樹？消滅！信箱？統(tǒng)統(tǒng)消滅。我是前行在亞特蘭大的謝爾曼(含義:剪羊毛者;剪切刀)，摧毀任何阻擋在我道路上的東西。除草機(jī)除不掉的，我用手撕，手撕不掉的，我用車壓。

“那是日本楓樹！”詹妮弗喊道。

“現(xiàn)在它是覆蓋層。”我對著車子（95 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme）急速旋轉(zhuǎn)的引擎露出惡魔般的笑容。

忙了一整天，我解決了院子里除了可憐的一小塊地外的毒葛。這一小片毒葛像釘在中世紀(jì)城堡墻上的被征服者的頭顱，警告任何膽敢在附近露出三片閃亮的葉子的同類。

我又熱又累，但自我感覺棒極了，我撕下粘在身體上的膠帶，脫掉被汗水浸濕的衣服，感覺自己比穿上他們時輕了27磅。偷窺到我這樣近乎裸體的樣子，78歲的鄰居驚恐地大聲尖叫，我嚇了一跳，絆倒在路基上，倒在了那剩下的一片毒葛像枕頭一樣柔軟的懷抱里。

當(dāng)我浸泡在爐甘石洗劑中（具有保護(hù)皮膚、收斂、消炎等作用），詹妮弗覺得我不知疲倦的勞作讓我們房子的價值降低了三分之一。所以她又雇用了一個造園師把后院恢復(fù)到了原來那荒廢的狀態(tài)。我們雇的是那個按草葉數(shù)量來收費(fèi)的家伙。沒有草坪了，收費(fèi)能貴到哪里去呢？