August 24th， 2002. Saturday， rainy

Floating plants have no roots. Floating on the river day by day， they don't know where to go. As a piece of floating plant， I go here and there to look for a home for my soul.I have been longing for the warmth and the protection for a long time. Today， he appeared and asked me， \"Could you be my girlfriend?\" I was so shocked that I can feel my heartbeat. I was totally unprepared for his sudden appearance.I even didn't have the courage to refuse him.On the other hand， to refuse him is not my intention.

I always think I am an obstinate bad girl， persisting my old ways without considering the results.I just let my passion flood， and begin and end an affair rashly. I was hurt again and again. But I never hesitate to touch the \"bomb of love\" which will destroy me into fragments.Am I obedient or disobedient?Maybe both. I am obedient to my heart， and disobedient to the rule of the world.I have once thought that the all restraints on emotions are evil.

When I feel sad， I can give vent to my suffering by destroying pretty things， or by listening to a pleasant music to calm myself.I think in my mind， there are both passivity and positivity.I often refuse to use my sense to make choice. I frequently dream that I jump down from a high and steep cliff one day.With the clouds and the wind around me， I stretch my arms to enjoy the short happiness of flying.I am sure when I fly， I have the most beautiful smile.

Watching the pretty girl in the mirror， I believe my smile is still bright.Other people might think I am optimistic as if I would never be hurt by failures，tn fact， they never know optimism is also a kind of helplessness.When I find I am unable to change anything， the only thing I can do is to smile.Nobody knows that my heart has been hurt seriously， because I never show the injured heart to the others.Only I know that my heart has been full of pale- ness， distress， loneliness， dullness and indifference.

Hand in hand， he gave me the warm feeling of love， and I was moved. Walking along the street，seeing the street [amp light flicker， he told me a love story between a piece of leaf and a buttenqy. The leaf may not know the love should not happen until it falls.But when the love takes place，nobody can tell whether it should happen. The moment when the leaf falls in love with the butterfly is also the beginning of endless suffering of die leaf， because there is no position for the leaf in the heart of the butterfly. When the leaf falls， it may finally understand how wonderful the butterfly's world is. So it's no reason to ask for the love from the butterfly.Nevertheless， the leaf， experiencing the love affaire， falls to the soil without any pity， just as the old saying， \"Love him， so let him be free.\"

Loving you is easy because you are beautiful， And loving you is all I wanna do，Loving you is more than just a dream comes true，And everything that I do is out of lov- ing you o The human beings extol the love not for its complexity， but for its crazy.

Loving you is easy because you are beautiful And loving you is all I wanna do Loving you is more than just a dream comes true And everything that I do is out of loving you.

2002年8月24日 星期六 雨

我是一片浮萍，沒有根的固定，浮在茫茫人海中，不知自己的方向和目的地。我一直在尋找靈魂的歸宿，渴望心靈的溫暖，等待某個人給我安全感。直到今天：“作我的女朋友好嗎?”他終于清晰的出現(xiàn)在我的生命里。那一刻的震撼，讓我可以清楚的聽到心房的悸動。他的突然出現(xiàn)讓我措手不及，當(dāng)心中的浪潮完全把我淹沒時，我連抵抗的勇氣也沒有，當(dāng)然我也不想抵抗。

一直都把自己叫“暗地爛孩子”，倔強(qiáng)而固執(zhí)的我行我素，根本不去想后果。任憑感情的一時沖動便草率地開始或結(jié)束一段戀情，讓自己一次次受到懲罰，義無反顧地觸碰那隨時會爆炸的愛情炸彈，哪怕自己被燃燒成灰燼也甘愿。這究竟是順從還是叛逆?或許兩者都是：順從自己，叛逆規(guī)則。曾經(jīng)的我一度極端的認(rèn)為所有約束感情的規(guī)則都是罪惡的。

在悲傷的時候，可以用破壞美好的東西制造悲劇來發(fā)泄，亦可聽一段天籟之音使心情得到平靜。消極和積極在我心中同時滋生成長。但我不想用理性去選擇，我一直幻想有一天從聳入云霄的山頂縱身跳下的情景。云在我身邊曖昧地纏繞，風(fēng)在我耳邊竊竊私語。即使不會瞬間長出豐盈的羽翼，也要張開雙臂，在急速墜落的那一刻享受飛翔的快樂。我相信，那一刻，我的微笑才是最美的。

看著鏡中的自己，還算明眸皓齒。走在陽光下，我的微笑依舊燦爛。別人眼中我是樂觀的，仿佛不把任何失敗當(dāng)作回事，他們哪里知道，有時樂觀也是———種無奈。當(dāng)我發(fā)現(xiàn)無力改變某些事情時，我所能夠做的，也只有微笑。內(nèi)心早巳被腐蝕的殘缺不全，漸漸腐爛，散發(fā)著陣陣腐臭。而我從不會把這一面表現(xiàn)出來。透過心靈的一絲罅隙，我看到的卻只有蒼白、頹廢、落寞、陰暗、冷淡和孤獨。

他牽起我的手，一股暖流由他的指間直抵我的心脈，這種久違的溫暖讓我感動。走在燈紅酒綠流光溢彩中，聽他講述樹葉與蝴蝶的愛情故事。大概樹葉在最后隨風(fēng)飄落的時候才會明白這是一段錯誤的愛情。但愛情又哪來的對錯之分呢?錯就錯在當(dāng)蝴蝶流連于花叢中時樹葉的凝神關(guān)注。葉子愛上蝴蝶的那一刻時就是他無盡痛苦的開端。蝶的天堂里永遠(yuǎn)沒有葉的位置。也許當(dāng)葉子在最后的飛舞時才看到蝶的世界是如此多彩，也就沒有理由再去苛求蝶的愛情。不管怎樣，這片愛過的葉子都應(yīng)該無怨無悔，套用一句老話：愛他，就放他自由。

人們歌頌愛情，往往不在于它的滄桑，而在于它的癡狂。