張志梅

（廣東省廣州市海珠區(qū)教育發(fā)展研究院）

2023 年6 月廣州市高二英語(yǔ)八區(qū)聯(lián)考屬于水平二測(cè)試，考試范圍為選擇性必修一（第2、3、4、5 單元）、選擇性必修二（第1、2、3、4 單元）。按照《課標(biāo)》水平二對(duì)寫(xiě)作的要求：能概述所讀語(yǔ)篇的主要內(nèi)容或續(xù)寫(xiě)語(yǔ)篇，在試題中包含了讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)的考查。筆者對(duì)本次質(zhì)量監(jiān)測(cè)學(xué)生的讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)答題情況進(jìn)行分析，探討運(yùn)用“TEAMS”框架有針對(duì)性地講評(píng)指導(dǎo)策略。

一、試題分析與師生作文

閱讀下面材料，根據(jù)其內(nèi)容和所給段落開(kāi)頭語(yǔ)續(xù)寫(xiě)兩段，使之構(gòu)成一篇完整的短文。

Many years ago, a little boy named Antonio lived in Italy with his grandfather, who was a stone cutter.He liked to go with his grandfather to the stone yard.While his grandfather was busy cutting the stone blocks, Antonio would play among the chips.Sometimes he would make a small statue out of soft clay; sometimes, he would try to cut a statue from a piece of rock.Antonio showed so much skill that his grandfather was delighted.“The boy will be a sculptor someday.”

There lived in the same town a rich man called Count.Sometimes Count would have a grand dinner,and his rich friends from other towns would come to visit him.Then Antonio’s grandfather would go up to Count’s house to help with the work in the kitchen,for he was a fine cook as well as a good stone cutter.

One day, Antonio went with his grandfather to Count’s great house.Some people from the city were coming, and there was to be a grand feast.The boy could not cook and was not old enough to wait on the table.But he could wash the pans and kettles, and as he was smart and quick, he could help in many other ways.

All went well until it was time to spread the table for dinner.Suddenly, there was a crash in the dining room, and a man rushed into the kitchen with some pieces of marble (大理石) in his hands.He was pale and shaking with fright.

“What shall I do? What shall I do?” he cried.“I have broken the statue that was to stand at the centre of the table.I cannot make the table look pretty without the statue.What will Count say?” And now all the other servants were in trouble.Count would be very angry.

Paragraph 1：

Then little Antonio went up to the man who had caused the trouble.________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Paragraph 2：

When the guests came in for dinner, the first thing they saw was the yellow lion cut out of butter.______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

原文屬于《課標(biāo)》“人與自我”及“人與社會(huì)”的主題語(yǔ)境。故事以人物為線索展開(kāi)，小男孩Antonio 是雕刻匠人的孫子，有雕刻的天賦且從小耳濡目染，練就了很好的雕刻技能。一次爺孫兩人在富人Count 家做臨時(shí)幫工時(shí)，仆人不小心打碎一個(gè)很重要的裝飾餐桌的雕塑品，眼看宴席即將開(kāi)始，仆人非常驚慌無(wú)助。此時(shí)，Antonio 挺身而出，用黃油雕刻了一頭獅子，將其替換打碎的雕塑品，幫助仆人渡過(guò)難關(guān)。

一段濃縮機(jī)實(shí)質(zhì)上起到水力分級(jí)作用，應(yīng)該盡可能多地將大于0.045 mm粒級(jí)沉淀下來(lái)，并保證底流中小于0.045 mm粒級(jí)產(chǎn)率小于40%，為沉降過(guò)濾式離心脫水機(jī)創(chuàng)造必要的工藝條件。該設(shè)備的入料、底流、溢流的粒度組成見(jiàn)表2，以此計(jì)算出各粒級(jí)在底流中的分配率，并繪制出分配曲線(見(jiàn)圖2)，該廠的一段濃縮機(jī)工藝指標(biāo)見(jiàn)表3。

老師范文：

Then little Antonio went up to the man who had caused the trouble.“If you had another statue, could you arrange the table?” he asked.“Certainly,”said the man.On the kitchen table, there lay a large square lump of butter.With a kitchen knife in his hand, Antonio began to cut and carve this butter.With each stroke under his skilled hands, he gently sliced into the butter, creating precise lines and shapes.Finally, a crouching lion stood proudly before him.All the servants crowded around to see it.“How beautiful!”they cried.

When the guests came in for dinner, the first thing they saw was the yellow lion cut out of butter.“What a stunning statue!”they exclaimed.Curious,Count asked the head servant where he had found such an amazing statue.“It was carved by a little boy just an hour ago,”the servant said with trepidation.Instead of getting angry, Count said happily, “The new statue is better than the old one.Now let me meet the great sculptor!”His grandfather smiled，“The boy will be an excellent sculptor someday.”

學(xué)生習(xí)作：

Then little Antonio went up to the man who had caused the trouble.“I have an idea.”Antonio said to the man.“You? But you are just a little boy.” The man didn’t trust little Antonio.Antonio just found a block of butter and started to cut it without saying a word.His grandfather just smiled and looked at his grandson.He knew Antonio could make it.After a while, the butter turned into a yellow lion.The other servants couldn’t believe it was made by a little boy.The man who caused the trouble laughed and shook hands with little Antonio with gratitude.Then, they put the yellow lion at the centre of the table.

When the guests came in for dinner, the first thing they saw was the yellow lion cut out of butter.They were all surprised by the special statue.When Count came in, he also noticed the lion.He picked up and asked,“Who cut this amazing statue with butter?” All the servants looked at little Antonio, “It’s me, I cut the statue.” Count was surprised by this little boy.He also said to Antonio’s grandfather, “You have a grandson as good as you.” His grandfather laughed happily and Antonio laughed, too.

二、問(wèn)題診斷與改進(jìn)策略

本次讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)的評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)與全國(guó)卷評(píng)分標(biāo)準(zhǔn)保持一致。包括：與所給短文及段落開(kāi)頭語(yǔ)的銜接程度；內(nèi)容的豐富性及與所給內(nèi)容的邏輯銜接程度;語(yǔ)法結(jié)構(gòu)和詞匯的豐富性和準(zhǔn)確性;上下文行文的連貫性。閱卷數(shù)據(jù)顯示：全區(qū)考生3 144 人，全體均分14.4，得分率為57.6%，最高分為24 分，有44人0分，零分率占1.4%, 標(biāo)準(zhǔn)差4.2，難度0.58。從平均分和難度系數(shù)看，全卷難度 0.65，讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)難度0.58，是所有能力板塊中通過(guò)率最低的，說(shuō)明讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)是學(xué)生最需要提高的題型。存在的主要問(wèn)題如下：

1.語(yǔ)篇(銜接不緊湊、邏輯不連貫)

（1）續(xù)寫(xiě)未能與給出的首句連接，如：第一段首句講Antonio went up to the man who had caused the trouble, 但部分考生緊接著的續(xù)寫(xiě)卻是Antonio 與Count 進(jìn)行對(duì)話互動(dòng)；

（2）對(duì)第二段首句關(guān)鍵詞butter 單詞意思不理解，導(dǎo)致第一段情節(jié)與第二段不一致，具體表現(xiàn)為在第一段中，出現(xiàn)Antonio 使用marble 進(jìn)行雕刻而不是使用butter，又或mix the marble with butter 等。

2.內(nèi)容(情節(jié)單薄、不符合主題)

（1）部分考生缺乏生活常識(shí)，邏輯不嚴(yán)謹(jǐn)，沒(méi)注意當(dāng)時(shí)時(shí)間緊，Antonio 年紀(jì)小，力氣弱，而石頭堅(jiān)硬，不可能在短時(shí)間內(nèi)使用石頭將雕刻完成，更不可能用石頭雕出多個(gè)作品，如：Antonio came with some small statues made up of the marble.

（2）缺乏文化背景知識(shí)，角色言行失當(dāng)，如寫(xiě)到Antonio 坐在宴席上回答Count 的問(wèn)題。

3.語(yǔ)言(詞匯和語(yǔ)法使用的準(zhǔn)確性低、豐富性不足)

（1）拼寫(xiě)錯(cuò)誤，如：comforted 寫(xiě)成comfored,create 寫(xiě)成creat, breaking 寫(xiě)成broking, delightedly寫(xiě)成delightly, afraid 寫(xiě)成afriad, perfect 寫(xiě)成prefect,nodded 寫(xiě)成nudded/noded, praising 寫(xiě)成prising,voice 寫(xiě)成voise, solve 寫(xiě)成slove, calm 寫(xiě)成clam,solved 寫(xiě)成soluted 等；

（2）不規(guī)則動(dòng)詞錯(cuò)誤，如： hided (hide),hitted (hit), standed (stand), cutted (cut), though/through/throught (think), shaked (shake), broked(break), heared (hear), replyed (reply),以及將broken和known 當(dāng)成過(guò)去式等。

（3）各種語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，如：主謂一致錯(cuò)誤、時(shí)態(tài)錯(cuò)誤、雙謂語(yǔ)、中式思維等。 如：

They didn’t know what Antonio are doing.（主謂一致與時(shí)態(tài)錯(cuò)誤）

The man didn’t think a little boy who the grandson of a stone cutter could help him.(中式思維)

針對(duì)以上問(wèn)題，采用以下改進(jìn)策略：針對(duì)語(yǔ)法詞匯的準(zhǔn)確性問(wèn)題，要求老師指出錯(cuò)誤所在，學(xué)生先自改后與同伴互改，做到拼寫(xiě)和語(yǔ)法正確；寫(xiě)作時(shí)間安排也是影響本次考生寫(xiě)作產(chǎn)出的一個(gè)重要因素，很多學(xué)生都反映時(shí)間不夠，所以，在寫(xiě)作時(shí)間分配上也要對(duì)學(xué)生加強(qiáng)指導(dǎo)；針對(duì)語(yǔ)篇銜接和內(nèi)容豐富性問(wèn)題，建議嘗試運(yùn)用“TEAMS”框架進(jìn)行講評(píng)。

三、“TEAMS”框架在讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)講評(píng)課中的運(yùn)用

下文以聯(lián)考讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)試題為例，運(yùn)用“TEAMS”框架，讓學(xué)生修改出與原文銜接合理、語(yǔ)意連貫、邏輯相符又有文采的續(xù)文。

T 是指Theme 主題或Transitional sentence 銜接句；

E 是指Emotion /Environment 心理描寫(xiě)/環(huán)境描寫(xiě)；

A 是指Action 動(dòng)作(鏈)和Appearance 外貌神態(tài)描寫(xiě)；

M 是指Monologue/Dialogue 獨(dú)白/對(duì)話；

S 是指Style 語(yǔ)言風(fēng)格。

其中，Action 是助推情節(jié)所必要的，Emotion、Environment、Appearance、Monologue、 Dialogue、Style 的寫(xiě)作順序和次數(shù)可根據(jù)故事情節(jié)需要適當(dāng)調(diào)整。

Step 1 讀懂原文“TEAMS”

續(xù)表

Step 2 學(xué)習(xí)范文“TEAMS”

Step 3 評(píng)價(jià)“TEAMS”， 提升習(xí)作

續(xù)表

四、結(jié)語(yǔ)

《課標(biāo)》提出要突出學(xué)生在評(píng)價(jià)中的主體地位，關(guān)注學(xué)生的全面發(fā)展和進(jìn)步。作為評(píng)價(jià)過(guò)程的主要參與者，學(xué)生應(yīng)在教師的指導(dǎo)下，學(xué)習(xí)使用適當(dāng)?shù)脑u(píng)價(jià)方法和可行的評(píng)價(jià)工具，積極參與評(píng)價(jià)，發(fā)現(xiàn)和分析學(xué)習(xí)中的具體問(wèn)題。應(yīng)提倡學(xué)生開(kāi)展自評(píng)和互評(píng)，加強(qiáng)學(xué)生之間、師生之間評(píng)價(jià)信息的互動(dòng)交流，促進(jìn)自我監(jiān)督式的學(xué)習(xí)，并在相互評(píng)價(jià)中不斷反思，取長(zhǎng)補(bǔ)短，總結(jié)經(jīng)驗(yàn)，調(diào)控學(xué)習(xí)，把教學(xué)評(píng)價(jià)變成主體參與、自我反思、相互激勵(lì)、共同發(fā)展的過(guò)程和手段（教育部，2020）。評(píng)價(jià)反饋是讀后續(xù)寫(xiě)的關(guān)鍵環(huán)節(jié), 運(yùn)用“TEAMS”框架，可以指導(dǎo)學(xué)生在讀懂語(yǔ)篇的基礎(chǔ)上，緊扣主題意義合理續(xù)寫(xiě)，通過(guò)自評(píng)和互評(píng)提升寫(xiě)作效果，這一過(guò)程有助于學(xué)生融合語(yǔ)言知識(shí)和文化知識(shí)，提高創(chuàng)造性地表達(dá)思想和情感的高階思維能力，實(shí)現(xiàn)深度學(xué)習(xí)和核心素養(yǎng)發(fā)展的目的。