（but you probably wont like them）

Hi！ I have obtained access to your device and have been monitoring your internet activity. I have also uploaded a Trojan horse which gives me access to your camera and microphone. If you dont transfer the amount equivalent to 1，490 US dollars to my Bitcoin wallet within 48 hours， I will send videos of you to your entire contact list.

Plambert

What a 忠實(shí)粉絲 （zhōngshífěnsī， loyal fan）！ You like me so much that you want to 關(guān)注 （guānzhù， pay attention to） my every move. Did you see the 線上排練 （xiànshàngpáiliàn， online rehearsal） of our newest 廣場舞編舞 （guǎngchǎngwǔbiānwǔ， plaza dance choreography）？ I dont know what else my 攝像頭 （shèxiàngtóu， camera） shows. Probably just me 打盹兒 （dǎdǔnr， dozing off） while watching boring 連續(xù)劇 （liánxùjù， soap operas）. Maybe you can tell me if my grandson has been 偷偷打游戲 （tōutōudǎyóuxì， sneakily playing video games） on my computer？

Did your horse thing also detect my 國家反詐中心 （GuójiāFǎnzhàZhōngxīn， National Anti-Fraud Center） app？ I know exactly 你葫蘆里賣的什么藥 （nǐhúlu limài de shénmeyào， “what medicine youre selling in your calabash，” what youre scheming）！ My family already warned me， when youre online， “給錢不要，要錢不給 （gěiqiánbúyào， yàoqiánbùgěi， dont take money and dont give any money away）.” Why cant you go make money properly like all those 誠實(shí)的年輕人 （chéngshí de niánqīngrén， honest young people） out there？

I think my smartphone is spying on me. The other day， I was talking about teeth-whitening and now Im getting all these ads for corrective surgery. Dear Ayi， what do I do？

Toothy Tim

Why so 沒禮貌 （méilǐmào， rude） to your phone？ I once overheard my son complaining to his 哥們兒 （gēmenr， bro） about some 感情問題 （gǎnqíngwèntí， romantic troubles）， so I thought， “this one is definitely going to 吹了 （chuīle， not work out）.” The next few days， I asked him to go 買菜 （mǎicài， buy groceries） with me， but we detoured to a 公園相親角 （gōngyuánxiāngqīnjiǎo， match-making corner at a park）. I keep telling him about all the 單身適齡 （dānshēnshìlíng， single and suitably aged） daughters of my dance friends， but that ungrateful boy 拉黑 （lāhēi， blocked） my contact for a while until he had to要錢 （yàoqián， ask for money） again！

Well， that made me a bit 心涼 （xīnliáng， disappointed）， but I still have his 相親網(wǎng)站賬號(hào) （xiāngqīn wǎngzhànzhànghào， dating site profile） running. I just want him to 安個(gè)家 （āngèjiā， settle down） so I dont have to 操心 （cāoxīn， worry）. 唉 （āi， sigh）， this is what I call 好心當(dāng)作驢肝肺 （hǎoxīndàngzuòl(fā)ǘgānfèi， “treat good heart as donkey liver and lung，” or misinterpret well-wishing）. Why worry about 隱私 （yǐnsī， privacy） and邊界感 （biānjiègǎn， sense of boundary）？ Cut your millennial 扯淡 （chědàn， crap）！ Arent we all just 為了你好 （wèilenǐhǎo， trying to look out for you）？

– Illustration and design by Cai Tao and Gao Fei

Got questions for our Agony Ayi？ Send them to agonyayi@theworldofchinese.com