Brief introduction：

This book is a collection of Xu Zechen’s selected essays， including Life and Wind， Grandma’s Words， Mother’s Teeth， and other essays that have been selected in local Chinese examinations for testing students’ reading and understanding of modern Chinese literature. It also includes Living in Beijing， How Far to Run to Get Home， Grandpa’s Morning， amongst many more widely acknowledged and recently written essays. Readers can experience the writer’s literary world and spiritual hometown in this book.

Unable to Return to Life

Xu Zechen

Changjiang Literature and Art Publishing House

June 2021

36.00 （CNY）

About the author：

Xu Zechen is a famous writer and now deputy editor-in-chief of People’s Literature. He won the Lu Xun Literary Prize， Zhuang Zhongwen Literary Award， Writer of the Year of Chinese Literature Media Award， and Feng Mu Literary Prize. He was also recognized as the Chinese Young Leader of the Year 2015 by Southern People Weekly.

As I got older， the boiling point of my emotions was getting ever so low. I often couldn’t restrain myself and cried or laughed accidentally. Because I was busy with my work， I spent most of my time reading and writing in my study after work and on holidays. I rarely spent time with my son and thus felt guilty all the time. However， even though I felt guilty， I was as busy as ever. When I was so guilty that I felt sorry for myself， I wanted to do something for my son to make up for my absence and comfort myself.

When my son was in kindergarten， he didn’t understand that he should try not to disturb his father when he was writing. Whenever he wanted to play with me， he pushed the door of the study open and came in directly. I was focusing on writing， and it was no good to always be so perfunctory. And so， I told him that he should be obedient as I was writing a fairy tale for him. Sure enough， my son stopped disturbing me， but I had made him a promise. He always asked me when the fairy tale for him would be finished. Then I had no choice but to be perfunctory again. I told him that I was writing and it would be finished soon. Later， my son became smarter. He stopped asking questions aimlessly and set a deadline. He said that I should finish it when he graduated from kindergarten. He wanted to give one copy to each of the children in his class.

The deadline could be tight， however such guilt made me feel even more guilty. Anyways， I decided to finish it on time. I wrote as fast as I could and published a lengthy work entitled Fairy Tale of Qingyun Valley in time for my son’s kindergarten graduation. Teachers and children at the kindergarten each had a copy. After the books were received， my son came back from kindergarten two days later and said happily that his teacher praised me for writing a good book！ My nose and eyes got sour in an instant. I felt ashamed and moved. This was the highest reward I had ever received.

As the “debt” was paid off， the feeling of guilt had been alleviated a little. In the past few years when my son was in primary school， I watched the “debt” build up day by day. I wanted to accompany him every day， but I was so busy at work. I had to read books and write articles. Of course， I knew that these were all excuses. No matter how busy I was， I should spend some time with my son. However， knowing this clearly did not mean that things could be done right. Then came another backlog of guilt.

Before the New Year， I was going to Chengdu for a social research task. On the way to the airport by car， my wife sent me a WeChat message at a parent-teacher conference. It was a painting from my son that showed a chubby boy with the line “Mom， I love you！” written on his stomach. When I was about to praise him for his progress in painting， the second and third paintings were sent over successively. They were the paintings from two of my son’s classmates， both of whom drew a painting of themselves， one with the line “Mom and Dad， I love you！”， and the other with the line “Mom and Dad， thank you for your hard work！” I thought there was something off. Wasn’t it that only one parent was required to attend the conference. My wife told me it was true that only one parent was required.

There was no hypocrisy or exaggeration at all. I suddenly felt as if my intestines had got tangled. My stomach suddenly felt empty even though I just had my dinner. Tears streamed down from my eyes. All the other children wrote “Mom and Dad”， but my son only wrote “Mom”. Seeing that I had been silent for a long time， my wife told me that I should not overthink this. How could I not overthink it？ No matter whether their dad or mom came to the conference， other children always had both of them in their hearts. However， my son certainly did not have me in his heart.

I believed my son didn’t mean to snub me and give me a warning. I didn’t think he was clever enough to do that. But it was just because he was unintentional that I felt even more sad. I wouldn’t blame others， and it was entirely my own fault. But I still felt sad. I went to the airport in tears and got on a plane to another city.

When I got off the plane in the middle of the night， I received a video from my wife recording the conversation between her and my son. They started with the idea of that painting. My wife asked why he painted himself as a chubby boy. My son said he wanted to get strong so that he could play basketball. She asked why all the clothes were painted yellow. He said he liked yellow. She asked why he wrote “Mom， I love you！” on his stomach. He said it was not on his stomach but in his stomach and heart. She asked why he wrote “Mom”. He said that he would write “Dad， I love you！” if dad came to the conference.

Then she asked why he didn’t write “Dad” and “Mom”. He said the teacher told him at the beginning of the conference that he could give his parent a surprise， and mom attended the conference. She asked why all the other children wrote both “Dad” and “Mom”. He said they wrote them next to their images， but he wrote it in his stomach and heart. He explained his words were so big he couldn’t hold so many words in his heart， so he only wrote “Mom”.

After the video， my wife sent another text message and told me that I should not be so emotional as my son didn’t think that much about it. It was also attached with a schadenfreude emoji.

My tears came out again. To be honest， I felt a little comforted by the feeling that I was saved after a misstep. In the video， my son’s expression was very natural when he answered those questions. I didn’t think that they collaborated to comfort me. But I also knew that this move was just a fluke， because I felt as if I escaped the punishment this time after I made a mistake. In the middle of the night in another city， I told her that I would try my best to be a good father.