達(dá)西·利內(nèi)斯

Each day， 10-year-old Seth asked his mom for more and more lunch money. Yet he seemed skinnier than ever and came home from school hungry. It turned out that Seth was handing his lunch money to a fifth-grader， who was threatening to beat him up if he didnt pay.

Kayla， 13， thought things were going well at her new school， since all the popular girls were being so nice to her. But then she found out that one of them had posted mean rumors about her. Kayla cried herself to sleep that night and started going to the nurses office complaining of a stomachache to avoid the girls in study hall.

In national surveys， most kids and teens say that bullying happens at school.

A bully can turn something like going to the bus stop or recess into a nightmare for kids. Bullying can leave deep emotional scars. And in extreme situations， it can involve violent threats， property damage， or someone getting seriously hurt.

There are ways to help your child cope with teasing， bullying， or mean gossip， and lessen its lasting impact.

Identifying bullying

Most kids have been teased by a sibling or a friend at some point. And its not usually harmful when done in a playful， friendly， and mutual way， and both kids find it funny. But when teasing becomes hurtful， unkind， and constant， it crosses the line into bullying and needs to stop.

Bullying is intentional tormenting in physical， verbal， or psychological ways. It can range from hitting， shoving， name-calling， threats， and mocking to extorting money and possessions. Some kids bully by shunning others and spreading rumors about them. Others use social media or electronic messaging to taunt1 others or hurt their feelings.

Its important to take bullying seriously and not just brush it off as something that kids have to “tough out.” The effects can be serious and affect kids sense of safety and self-worth. In severe cases， bullying has contributed to tragedies， such as suicides and school shootings.

Why kids bully

Kids bully for a variety of reasons. Sometimes they pick on2 kids because they need a victim—someone who seems emotionally or physically weaker， or just acts or appears different in some way—to feel more important， popular， or in control. Although some bullies are bigger or stronger than their victims， thats not always the case.

Sometimes kids torment others because thats the way theyve been treated. They may think their behavior is normal because they come from families or other settings where everyone regularly gets angry and shouts or calls each other names. Some popular TV shows even seem to promote meanness—people are “voted off，” shunned， or ridiculed for their appearance or lack of talent.

Signs of bullying

Unless your child tells you about bullying—or has visible bruises or injuries—it can be difficult to figure out if its happening.

But there are some warning signs. Parents might notice kids acting differently or seeming anxious， or not eating， sleeping well， or doing the things they usually enjoy. When kids seem moodier or more easily upset than usual， or when they start avoiding certain situations （like taking the bus to school）， it might be because of a bully.

If you suspect bullying but your child is reluctant to open up， find opportunities to bring up the issue in a more roundabout way. For instance， you might see a situation on a TV show and use it as a conversation starter by asking， “What do you think of this？” or “What do you think that person should have done？” This might lead to questions like： “Have you ever seen this happen？” or “Have you ever experienced this？” You might want to talk about any experiences you or another family member had at that age.

Let your kids know that if theyre being bullied or harassed—or see it happening to someone else—its important to talk to someone about it， whether its you， another adult （a teacher， school counselor， or family friend）， or a sibling.

Helping kids

If your child tells you about being bullied， listen calmly and offer comfort and support. Kids are often reluctant to tell adults about bullying because they feel embarrassed and ashamed that its happening， or worry that their parents will be disappointed， upset， angry， or reactive.

Praise your child for doing the right thing by talking to you about it. Remind your child that he or she isnt alone—a lot of people get bullied at some point. Emphasize that its the bully who is behaving badly—not your child. Reassure your child that you will figure out what to do about it together.

Let someone at school （the principal， school nurse， or a counselor or teacher） know about the situation. They are often in a position to monitor and take steps to prevent further problems.

Advice for kids

For some parents， it may be tempting to tell a kid to fight back. After all， youre angry that your child is suffering and maybe you were told to “stand up for yourself” when you were young. Or you may worry that your child will continue to suffer at the hands of the bully， and think that fighting back is the only way to put a bully in his or her place3.

But its important to advise kids not to respond to bullying by fighting or bullying back. It can quickly escalate into violence， trouble， and someone getting injured. Instead， its best to walk away from the situation， hang out with others， and tell an adult.

Here are some other strategies to discuss with kids that can help improve the situation and make them feel better：

Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Make sure you have someone with you so that youre not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus， in the hallways， or at recess—wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.

Hold the anger. Its natural to get upset by the bully， but thats what bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting by crying or looking red or upset. Its a useful skill for keeping off of a bullys radar. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to wear a “poker face” until they are clear of any danger （smiling or laughing may provoke the bully）.

Act brave， walk away， and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop， then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks， like acting uninterested or texting someone on your cell phone. By ignoring the bully， youre showing that you dont care. Eventually， the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.

塞斯今年10歲，他向媽媽要的午飯錢一天比一天多，卻總餓著肚子回家，人也日漸消瘦。實際情況是，他把午飯錢都給了一個五年級學(xué)生，該生威脅說不給錢就揍他。

凱拉今年13歲，本來覺得新學(xué)校一切都好，那些受歡迎的女孩都對自己不錯，但后來卻發(fā)現(xiàn)其中有人散布關(guān)于她的謠言。那天晚上，凱拉是哭著睡著的，后來就開始裝肚子疼跑去醫(yī)務(wù)室，避免在自習(xí)室遇到那些女孩。

美國國內(nèi)調(diào)查顯示，大多數(shù)少年兒童都稱存在校園霸凌現(xiàn)象。

霸凌者會把去公交車站或課間休息這樣的事演變?yōu)楹⒆觽兊呢瑝?。霸凌會造成?yán)重的情感創(chuàng)傷。極端情況下，有可能涉及暴力威脅、財產(chǎn)破壞，甚至造成人員重傷。

以下方法可以幫助孩子應(yīng)對戲弄、欺凌、謠言等問題，降低持續(xù)的不良影響。

何謂霸凌

大多數(shù)孩子都曾被兄弟姐妹或朋友戲弄過。如果是鬧著玩的、友好的、相互的，兩個孩子都覺得有趣，通常是無害的。一旦戲弄變得傷人、不友善并且持續(xù)發(fā)生，就超越底線演變成為霸凌，必須加以制止。

霸凌是對人進(jìn)行身體、言語或心理上的蓄意折磨。毆打、推搡、辱罵、威脅、嘲弄以及勒索錢財?shù)榷紝儆诎粤璧姆懂?。有些孩子故意排斥他人，散布有關(guān)他們的謠言;還有些通過社交媒體、電子信息等方式辱罵他人、傷害他人感情。這些行為都屬于霸凌。

霸凌問題須認(rèn)真對待，絕不能置之不理，讓孩子自己“咬牙堅持”。霸凌可能嚴(yán)重影響孩子的安全感和自我價值感。嚴(yán)重情況下，霸凌曾釀成自殺、校園槍擊等慘劇。

為何霸凌

孩子們實施霸凌有各種各樣的原因。有時候欺負(fù)他人，是因為需要一個受害者，一個看起來情感脆弱或者身體弱小的人，或者只是行為舉止在某方面表現(xiàn)不同的人，借此感受自己更重要，更受歡迎，可以掌控他人。有些霸凌者比受害者塊頭更大、更強(qiáng)壯，但也并非總是如此。

有時候孩子們折磨他人，是因為他們曾遭受同樣的折磨。他們可能認(rèn)為自己的行為是正常的，因為在他們的家庭和所處的環(huán)境中，每個人都經(jīng)常會發(fā)怒、大喊大叫、相互辱罵。一些熱門電視節(jié)目甚至似乎宣揚(yáng)此類刻薄行為——有人會因顏值不高或缺乏才能而被“投票出局”，遭到孤立或嘲笑。

發(fā)現(xiàn)霸凌

除非是孩子告訴你自己遭受了霸凌，或者是身上出現(xiàn)明顯的瘀青或傷痕，否則很難判斷霸凌是否正在發(fā)生。

不過還是有一些跡象能夠讓我們警醒。家長們可能會注意到孩子的行為有所異常，顯得焦慮，吃不好，睡不好，甚至連平時喜歡做的事情也不愿去做。與往常相比，孩子們看起來更加情緒化，更容易心煩意亂，或者開始逃避某些場景（比如乘公交車上學(xué)），這就可能是因為霸凌。

如果你懷疑存在霸凌問題，但是孩子不愿意訴說，可以找機(jī)會迂回地提及。比如看到電視節(jié)目里的一個場景，就可以此為話題切入，問孩子：“你怎么看待這件事情呀？”或者問：“你覺得那個人其實應(yīng)該怎么做？”這樣就可以接著問出一些問題，比如：“你見過這樣的事情嗎？”或者“你遇到過這樣的事情嗎？”家長還可以講講自己或哪個家人在那個年紀(jì)的經(jīng)歷。

要讓孩子知道，一旦自己遭到欺辱或騷擾，或目睹這種事發(fā)生在別人身上，一定要說出來，可以對家長說，對其他大人（老師、學(xué)校輔導(dǎo)員、親友）說，也可以對兄弟姐妹說。

幫助孩子

如果孩子告訴你遭遇了霸凌，應(yīng)該冷靜地傾聽并給予安慰和幫助。孩子們不愿意告訴大人往往是因為覺得尷尬、羞恥，或者害怕父母失望、焦慮、生氣或者反應(yīng)過激。

孩子和家長談這個問題，是正確的做法，要表揚(yáng)。要提醒孩子，他/她不是一個人，不少人都曾在某一刻遭遇過霸凌。要強(qiáng)調(diào)行為惡劣的是霸凌者而不是孩子。要讓孩子安心，保證會和他共同解決這個問題。

應(yīng)該讓學(xué)校的工作人員（校長、學(xué)校護(hù)理員、輔導(dǎo)員或者老師）知情。他們往往有責(zé)任監(jiān)督并采取措施防止事態(tài)惡化。

提供建議

有些家長可能很想告訴孩子要對霸凌者以牙還牙。畢竟自家孩子受了欺負(fù)，你很生氣，而且可能你小時候也學(xué)過要“捍衛(wèi)自己的權(quán)利”。家長也可能擔(dān)心孩子會繼續(xù)被霸凌者欺負(fù)，認(rèn)為只有反擊才是打壓霸凌者氣焰的唯一出路。

但是，我們要勸告孩子，應(yīng)對霸凌問題不能以暴制暴，這一點很重要。否則，事情很快就會演變成暴力、騷亂，導(dǎo)致有人受傷。相反，最好的解決方式是避開沖突，與他人結(jié)伴而行，同時告訴大人。

可與孩子交流以下策略，幫助他們改善狀況，情緒上更積極：

用好朋友圈，避開霸凌者。確保與人結(jié)伴而行，避免單獨(dú)面對霸凌者。不論霸凌者在哪里，在公交車上、走廊里或者課間休息時，都要與朋友一起。主動為朋友做伴。

控制怒火。被霸凌者惹惱是很自然的，但這正是讓他們得意的地方。這讓他們感覺更加強(qiáng)大。練習(xí)做到面對霸凌不哭泣、不露慍色、不顯焦慮。這是一個有用的技能，可以使你不會引起霸凌者的注意。有時候，最好的方法是教會孩子保持“撲克臉”直至脫離危險（微笑或大笑都可能激怒霸凌者）。

勇于面對，避免沖突，不理睬霸凌者。態(tài)度堅決地明確告訴霸凌者停止霸凌行為，然后避而遠(yuǎn)之。練習(xí)一些無視傷人言辭的方式，比如表現(xiàn)得不感興趣或者在手機(jī)上發(fā)短信。通過無視霸凌者，你表現(xiàn)出來的是毫不在意。最終，霸凌者可能會感到無聊而不再糾纏你。

（譯者單位：寧波大學(xué)）

1 taunt辱罵，嘲笑，奚落。? 2 pick on故意刁難，找茬。

3 put sb in their place給某人下馬威;打壓囂張氣焰。