By Dr.Hai Lan

I still remember what happened not long after we got married.I was doing my post graduate program,and my husband came to meet me during one vacation.One of my classmates happend to visit my dorm the same day and brought me a large bag of watermelons.

My husband sat by the window of the one-roomed dorm and buried his head in a book.He turned his back to us and didn’t even say hello to my classmate.He pretended not to hear me when I asked to him to greet my classmate.

It was embarrassing.His impoliteness angered me,and I felt we were incompatible in personality.I was a warm-hearted woman,while he was sitting there like an ice statue.How could we ever live together with such different personalities?

When my classmate left,I decided to have a serious talk with him.

I said,“I don’t need you to be talkative,but you need to stand up at the very least to show your basic respect for a guest.”

He replied,“I hate to pretend.”

I said,“It’s nothing to do with pretending.It’s a question of politeness.”

He answered,“Whatever you say is always right.”

Such quarrels happened quite often in our marriage life.

Actually,my husband has many good qualities and habits,but I still cannot accept some of his quirks.However,this is life.He has changed for me in social manners and managed to smile to my friends when encountering them.Even though he doesn’t talk a lot,or utter a word to people he doesn’t like,he has become much more sociable than before.

He once explained that he didn’t want others to bother our private life,because he treasured our time together.However,I like to make friends and host gettogethers.He thought it was timeconsuming and not worth it.

He said,“We still have so many guests even when I act cold.I can’t imagine what would happen if I acted like you.Plus,you need rest too.”

I wasn’t sure whether I should be happy or angry when I heard this.

He likes everything neat and tidy at home.So do I.Yet my ability for household chores has degenerated a lot after marrying him.His requirement for tidiness is higher,and he can do better than me.I gradually gave up doing household chores.So whenever he would come back from a business trip,he would be annoyed with the messy home,and often blamed me for scattering things around.

One day,I figured out a good way of solving our problem.I told him,“You are highly sensitive to the cleanliness,and I am not as good as you in this respect.You must be the first one to notice the untidiness at home.I suggest you clean the house when you find it messy instead of quarreling with me.Then both of us will feel happy.”

He said,“It’s unfair.”

I replied,“You can propose another option.But remember I am also more highly sensitive than you in other aspects,such as interpersonal communication.We can do what we’re good at respectively,and make things better instead of always quarreling over the same thing.”

He pondered for a while and agreed.At first,he would still frown on me when seeing the messy home,and I would remind him of our agreement.Then he started to clean the house.

Now we seldom quarrel about this.The “incompatible personalities” have seemed to vanish.

In essence,there is no such problem as incompatible personalities in an intimate relationship.It is whether you really do love each other that counts.When a couple decide to live together and get familiar with each other,they’ll find their differences.The conflict in this stage is not caused by incompatible personalities,but it is an inevitable consequence of an intimate relationship.It is safe to say the moment you find your personality incompatible with each other is actually the time you too should learn to compromise for each other.

The incompatible personality comes when we are too intimate,yet we are at peace when we keep a certain distance.Therefore,we seldom quarrel with strangers,but very often have slight conflicts with our most beloved friends,family,and partners.Why? It’s because that we are likely to expose our real habits and intentions when staying close.It’s just like the chestnut enclosed in a prickly bur.It will not hurt you when it is hanging up on the tree,but will do so if you touch it.

Never split up or divorce because of the excuse of incompatible personalities.Everything can be changed as long as you learn to face it and compromise for your love.

(FromImperfect Beauty,Beijing Lianhe Publishing Co.,Ltd.Translation: Li Li)