By Li Bo

Over the course of a few days I flew from Sanya1to Shenyang,2f r o m Shenyang to Changchun,3from Changchun to Beijing and then from Beijing to Guangzhou.4The whole time I experienced the fickleness of human relationships and the hypocrisy of society.

I called my friend who was from the Northeast and told him that it was freezing in Guangzhou.He didn’t believe me and said that in the Northeast it can get to minus thirty or forty degrees centigrade at its coldest,and that it’s no big deal.I told him that it was zero degrees indoors here and he didn’t make a peep.

Every time I went to bed,I just felt like my duvet was way too thin.Thinking about it,I reckoned if I didn’t go to sleep I wouldn’t be cold.I felt really nostalgic about my days in the Northeast,watching the snowflakes,eating ice cream with the heating on,sweating from the warmth.

There’s a story about a guy from Jiangsu.On their wedding night his bride,from the North,said to him,“I didn’t marry you for your money nor your fame…” Moved,the guy said,“Babe,I know you married me because you love me.” The Northern bride replied,“No,you’re thinking too much on it.It’s because you guys in Zhejiang,Jiangsu and Shanghai always get free shipping.”

Similarly,on another wedding night a bride from the South told her Northerner groom,“I didn’t marry you for your money nor your fame…” Touched,the bridegroom said,“Babe I know you married me because you love me.” The bride from the South said,“No,you’re thinking too much on it.It’s because you guys have heating in the cold winter.”

On arriving in Guangzhou,I happened to make it just in time for my friend’s father’s birthday,so I went along for dinner.While the celebrant was eating his longevity noodles,his entire family beat me up.I didn’t even do anything; all I did was to state a simple fact.I said that the noodles he was eating were called “hung”5noodles in the Northeast.

When Norther nerscurse people out,they call them things like,“immoral,” “l(fā)ow down,” “rascal.” The name-calling is all about moral character.When Southerners swear they call people things like,“hillbilly,” and “beggar.” They use social status to curse someone out.So we can see that Northerners care more about ethics while Southerners are more materialistic.

When Northerners prepare a meal,they like to make a big pot of something.One dish can last an entire family three days.A Southerner’s meal though can consist of ten-something dishes,where one of them is just a plate with four peanuts on it.I distinctly remember once when we were having dinner at a restaurant in Shanghai.At the table next to us,a couple ordered a bottle of beer,a small plate of cooked rape seedlings and four servings of pig’s feet as side dishes,saying that they wanted to get good and drunk.We have no idea how they managed to do that.

Southerners like to drink when they’re feeling depressed and they like to sing when they’re happy.Northerners like to drink when they’re cheerful and sing when they’re sad.

Northerners are afraid to go to the South to do business because they’re worried that they’ll be swindled.Southerners are also afraid of going north to work because they’re afraid that Northerners will beat them up.

If it snows in Guangzhou you’ll hear girls screaming everywhere,“It’s so beautiful!” oohing and aahing all over the place.Then look at what it’s like in the Northeast when the snow comes.You’ll hear shouting and yelling,“Oh! Go away! Vamoose! Ah! Dang! You sneaky little devil,you’re ambushing me! You just wait! Oh! You think the world revolves around you? Guys,kill him! Bury this scum in the snow! ”

Every Northeasterner uses their life to win snowball fights.What a valiant life it is that we lead.

(FromLife Makes You Cry,I Make You Laugh,Changjiang Literature Press.Translation: Sam Bowden)

Notes：

1.Sanya is the southernmost city on Hainan Island,and one of the four prefecture-level cities of Hainan Province,in Southeast China.

2.Shenyang is the capital city of Liaonian Province in Northeast China.

3.Changchun is the capital city of Jilin Province in Northeast China.

4.Guangzhou is the capital city of Guangdong Province in Southeast China.

5.“Hung (掛,guà)” in Chinese can be taken as a metaphor for “death.”