By Huang Jiansheng

My wife went out early in the morning and came back with four eggs in her hands.I asked her: “What did you only buy four for?”

She replied, “I didn’t buy them.They were given for free.”

She told me, “There were healthcare classes down at the movie theatre, and after class they gave away eggs.”

I said, “Don’t be foolish—there’s no such thing as a free lunch.Be careful or you will fall into their trap.”

She refuted, “No way.As long as I don’t hand out any of my money, then I can’t be conned.”

I guess she’s right.As long as the wallet is kept tightly shut, there won’t be any issues.

Unexpectedly, my wife brought home a pillow five days later.I asked her, “Did you buy it or got it for free?”

She said, “I bought it.”

I asked her how much it cost her.“A hundred and seventy-five dollars,” she replied.

I was shocked, it seemed like she really did get duped.I told her, “You’ve been bamboozled.”

She responded, “No way, it’s a healthcare pillow, it originally cost four hundred and forty dollars, and I got it for a hundred and seventy-five dollars—I’ve made a profit!”

I insisted, “You’ve been conned.”

She retaliated, “You don’t get it, it’s a healthcare pillow, not only can it treat lightheadedness, headaches, and insomnia but it can also help alleviate back problems, dementia, and other health troubles.”

I couldn’t convince her; all I could do was shake my head.

She used the pillow for over a month, and her insomnia gradually grew worse and it was even accompanied by dizziness.I said to her, “You know you’ve been fooled, now, right?”

She nodded regretfully, saying, “In the future, whenever there are healthcare classes giving stuff away, I’ll go and grab the free stuff, and slowly I’ll make up for this loss.But, I’ll never take out my wallet again.”

Opportunity came knocking again.My wife went out early in the morning and brought back four eggs again.I was worried that she would once again be hoodwinked, so I secretly followed her.My plan was to wait till she was about to give her money away and show up to stop her.This way she wouldn’t get fooled again.

I followed her every day for the next four days and even listened attentively to the healthcare classes.I didn’t take the free eggs, though.I didn’t want to accept their little favors.On the fifth day, however, I couldn’t stop myself from spending money.After my wife left, I bought a three-hundred-dollar healthcare waistband and brought it home with me.

My wife saw the belt and asked curiously, “Could it be that you got this at the movie theatre?”

“Yeah.Didn’t you hear the class? You must already know all the benefits of this healthcare waistband.”

She was visibly upset, “Look at you! Why wouldn’t you talk to me about this first?”

I used the belt according to the instructions for a good month, but didn’t see any improvements in my kidney functions, digestive system, spinal health, or back pain.Instead, my constipation got worse and my back started hurting more.My wife said, “You know you’ve been fooled, now, right?”

I nodded my head and, looking regretful, I said, “In the future, whenever there are healthcare classes giving stuff away, I’ll go with you and grab the free stuff, and slowly we’ll make up for our losses.But I’ll never take out my wallet again.”

The healthcare classes started up again at the movie theatre.We both went together and grabbed the free stuff.We brought home eight eggs a day! Ha-ha! After we had been cheated, we realized, it’d be a waste not to grab the free stuff they were giving away.But, ever since they changed the topic of the class to the dangers of trendy healthcare products and the swindling of old folks, we’ve just sat there constantly nodding our heads.

In the end the expert stated that if any damage had been caused from using the healthcare pillow, the healthcare waistband, or the healthcare insoles then it would be best to get a massage chair to recuperate in.Not only could the massage chair eliminate the harm caused from before and help with recovery but it could also improve our physiological functions and benefit the entire body.

I talked about it with my wife and we decided to spend the four hundred and forty dollars to buy one for our home.

We took turns trying it out for more than a month.Neither of us found any health benefits, though.The only function that it really had was as a chair, but hey, at least you could sit on it.

(FromHumor and Jokes, December 2018.Translation: Sam Bowden)

忽 悠

文/黃健生

老伴清早出門，拿了4個(gè)雞蛋回來。我問老伴：“怎么就買4個(gè)？”老伴說：“不是買的，是免費(fèi)領(lǐng)取的?！蔽以賳柺窃趺椿厥?，老伴說：“電影院里有人講保健課，聽完以后，可以免費(fèi)領(lǐng)取雞蛋。”我說：“你千萬別相信，世上沒有免費(fèi)的午餐，小心掉進(jìn)別人的陷阱?！崩习檎f：“不可能的，我只要不出錢，就不會(huì)被騙?！蔽蚁胂胍彩牵婢o自己的錢袋子就不會(huì)有事。

領(lǐng)取雞蛋的第5天，老伴竟然拿了個(gè)枕頭回來。我問老伴：“是買的還是免費(fèi)領(lǐng)取的？”老伴說：“買的?！蔽覇柣硕嗌馘X，老伴兒說：“1200元。”我大吃一驚，看來老伴還是被忽悠了。我說：“你被騙了。”老伴說：“不會(huì)的，這是保健枕，本來賣3000元，這會(huì)兒只要1200元，賺了?！蔽疫€是說：“你被騙了?！崩习檎f：“你不懂的，這個(gè)保健枕哪，既可以治療頭暈、頭痛和失眠，還對(duì)頸椎病、老年癡呆癥等有很好的緩解作用?！蔽艺f不過老伴，只好搖搖頭。

保健枕被老伴用了一個(gè)多月，失眠卻越來越嚴(yán)重，還伴隨著頭暈。我對(duì)老伴說：“知道被忽悠了吧？”老伴點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭，做后悔狀，并說：“以后碰到講保健課，有免費(fèi)東西領(lǐng)還得去領(lǐng)，這損失，挽回一點(diǎn)是一點(diǎn)，但決不掏錢了?！?/p>

機(jī)會(huì)又來了。老伴清早出去，又拿回來4個(gè)雞蛋。我怕老伴再次上當(dāng)，就偷偷跟了去。我想，待老伴真要花錢時(shí)，我就強(qiáng)行攔阻，這樣就不會(huì)上當(dāng)受騙了。接下來的4天我都跟了去，并認(rèn)真聽課，但不去領(lǐng)雞蛋，我不想占這點(diǎn)兒小便宜。第5天，我忍不住出手了，老伴離開后，我花2000元買了條保健腰帶回家。老伴看到腰帶，好奇了，問：“難道你是在電影院買的？”我說：“是呀，你不是也聽課了嗎？這個(gè)保健腰帶的好處想必你是很清楚的?！崩习樯鷼獾卣f：“你呀你，怎么就不跟我商量一下呢？”

我按要求使用保健腰帶一個(gè)多月，什么增強(qiáng)腎臟功能、健胃消食、緩解腰椎病引起的腰痛等功能，我一樣也沒有享受到，倒是便秘的癥狀加重了，腰也開始輕微地痛起來。老伴對(duì)我說：“知道被忽悠了吧？”我點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭，做后悔狀，并說：“以后碰到講保健課，我跟你一起去，有免費(fèi)東西領(lǐng)還得去領(lǐng)，這損失，挽回一點(diǎn)是一點(diǎn)，但決不掏錢了。”

保健課又在電影院開課了。我和老伴一起去，兩個(gè)人領(lǐng)，每天8個(gè)雞蛋，哈哈，上當(dāng)后的我們想通了，不領(lǐng)白不領(lǐng)。但這幾次講課的內(nèi)容不同以往，專講一般保健品的危害，以及對(duì)老年人的忽悠，聽得我們不停地點(diǎn)頭。最后，專家講，如果使用保健枕、保健腰帶、保健足墊等產(chǎn)生了危害，最好使用保健按摩椅來調(diào)理。使用保健按摩椅不僅可以化解危害、康復(fù)病體，還有助于提升自身生理功能，對(duì)全身都有好處。我與老伴一商量，就花3000元買了一把回家。

經(jīng)過一個(gè)多月的輪換使用，我和老伴還真沒發(fā)現(xiàn)有什么好處。唯一起作用的，就是作為一把椅子，能坐而已。

（摘自《幽默與笑話》2018年第12期）