By Laura Silverman

For households across the land， all self-respecting rabbits wear blue coats with brass buttons and hop around vegetable patches， eating radishes.2 Everyone knows the enchanting tale of Peter Rabbit. Few know the tragic tale of his creator， Beatrix Potter.

This year is the 150th anniversary of Potters birth， and archivists have been trawling through her thousands of letters—many of them unpublished—for hidden details about her life.3 They have discovered that behind her fiercely guarded public image was a deeply sensitive woman， who never got over her first love.4

Beatrixs relationship with her publisher， Norman Warne， was the focus of Miss Potter 5. But in the film， Beatrix lives happily ever after with William Heelis， a solicitor6. The truth is much darker. “Its a really sad story，” says Sara Glenn， curator7 of the Warne archives. “Reading Beatrixs letters， I was surprised to find that her love for Norman never died. We think of Beatrix Potter as a strong， private woman， but these letters show her intense loneliness.”

Beatrix Potter was born into an upper-class household on July 28， 1866. The family lived at 2 Bolton Gardens in Kensington， west London. Beatrix had few friends， except for the rabbits and mice she kept as pets. She loved to sketch8 them. In her late 20s， she wrote illustrated letters to the children of her former governess9， Annie Moore. Five-yearold Noel， who had been ill with scarlet fever， received the first incarnation of The Tale of Peter Rabbit.10 Moore suggested Beatrix turn the story into a book. Six publishers rejected the manuscript11， so Beatrix published it herself. It was such a success that she asked the publisher who had sent the politest rejection letter， Frederick Warne & Co， to reconsider. They agreed. The official Tale of Peter Rabbit came out in 1902. By Christmas， it had sold 20，000 copies.

Harold and Fruing， Fredericks sons who had taken over the business， didnt expect Beatrixs “l(fā)ittle book” to become a best-seller and gave Peter Rabbit to their younger brother， Norman， as a project. The partnership between Beatrix and Norman was to transform their lives forever.

Norman admired Beatrixs strong personality. Beatrix warmed to his sense of humour and imagination. They exchanged letters every day. “It was the strangest of courtships12，” said Winifred Warne， Normans niece， years later. “They were never alone together. When Beatrix went to the office she was always chaperoned13 and when she went to Bedford Square[the Warne household] some other member of the family would always be there， too.”

Beatrixs parents were infuriated14 enough that Beatrix was pursuing a career as a writer as upper middle class women were not supposed to work. They would have been even more displeased to discover that their daughter was thinking about marrying “into trade”. “Their love affair was all cloak and dagger stuff，” says Glenn.

On July 25， 1905， Norman proposed to Beatrix in a letter. She accepted. Her parents disapproved and the news was kept to immediate relatives. On the morning of August 25， Beatrix received a telegram from the Warne family， telling her that Norman was ill. That afternoon he died of lymphatic leukaemia15. He was 37. Beatrix was heartbroken. “It was really hard on her，” says Glenn. “She was absolutely in pieces. Her whole world was about to fall apart.”

Beatrix clung to the idea that she could have shared her life with Norman and she pursued their dream of setting up home at Hill Top Farm near Sawrey in the Lake District.16 She bought the 17thcentury house and its 34-acre farm that autumn. The Hollywood version of her story sees her swiftly falling in love with William Heelis of Appleby， a local solicitor who helps her purchase nearby land. But they werent to meet until 1908 and Norman remains very much in Beatrixs mind for years to come.

Instead of her grief subsiding over the following months， it grew more acute.17 In an unpublished letter， dated February 1， 1906， she writes to Millie， Normans sister： “Do you remember Miss Austens Persuasion with all the scenes and streets in Bath？18 It was always my favourite and I read the end part of it again last July， on the 26th the day after I got Normans letter， I thought my story had come right with patience and waiting like Anne Elliotts19 did. There was a concert going on this afternoon at the pump room20， I kept thinking about the book.” Both Anne and Beatrix longed for men they were told were beneath them. But whereas Anne eventually married Captain Wentworth21， Beatrix was to remain separated from her love for ever.

Eight years on， Beatrix was still deeply in love with Norman. She felt she must justify her upcoming marriage to William to herself as much as to anyone else.22 In an unpublished letter， Beatrix writes to Millie： “I have felt very uncomfortable and guilty when with you for some time—especially when you asked about Sawrey. You would be only human if you felt a little hurt！ Norman was a saint if ever man was good， I do not believe he would object， especially as it was my illness and the miserable feeling of loneliness that decided me at last. I certainly am not doing it from thoughtless light-heartedness23 as I am in very poor spirits about the future.”

“I get the impression that Beatrixs marriage to William was a pragmatic24 decision，” says Glenn. “They enjoyed each others company， but it was a relationship based largely on business. You can imagine them sitting across the table from each other， with their toasted teacakes25 and cups of tea， going，‘What do you think about this farm？ Beatrix is still feeling awkward about having another relationship after all this time.” She felt at ease with William because they both loved nature， but her letter hardly suggests she was overwhelmed with joy.

Beatrix and William married on October 15， 1913. But Norman was still in the picture. That November Beatrix went to London to sort through her possessions at Bolton Gardens. She found letters from Norman that were “so upsetting” she couldnt read them. “There are things I scarcely know what to do with—like his pipe26，” she wrote to Millie. “I scarcely ought to be keeping them.” Of course， she did.

Alongside her wedding ring， she wore Normans engagement ring. In November 1918， it slipped off her finger.“This might have been a sorry and ashamed letter！” she wrote to Millie. “I lost Normans ring in the cornfield—pulled off while lifting wet sheaves with my fingers slipped under the bands， but it turned up amongst the remains of some wet stuff thrown down for the hens.27 I had untied many on the threshing floor28 in hopes of finding it. I am glad I was spared that last crowning distress of a most disastrous harvest29... My hand felt very strange & uncomfortable without it.” It was 13 years after Normans death—and yet still she felt very much attached.

“She did change her name to Mrs Heelis in the end，” says Glenn. “But she easily could have been Beatrix Warne. It was always Norman for her.” Beatrix Potter died in 1943， aged 77. She wore Normans plain gold ring for the rest of her life.

1. Beatrix Potter： 畢翠克絲·波特（1866—1943），英國作家、插畫家、自然科學(xué)家與保育運動人士，以描述動物的童書作品聞名，如《比得兔的故事》等；cloak and dagger： 斗篷與短刀，指秘密行為或有關(guān)陰謀、間諜、密探的暗中行動。

2. brass： 黃銅制品；patch：（用于種水果或蔬菜的）小塊土地；radish：（皮呈紅、白或淺黑色，可生吃的）小蘿卜。

3. archivist： 檔案保管員；trawl：（在大量文件、名單等中）搜尋（資料）。

4. 他們發(fā)現(xiàn)，在她極力維護(hù)的公眾形象背后，是一個極其敏感的女人，從未走出初戀的傷痛。

5. Miss Potter：《波特小姐》，于2006年首映的傳記影片，由克里斯·努安執(zhí)導(dǎo)，講述了畢翠克絲·波特的創(chuàng)作歷程和愛情故事。

6. solicitor：（英國的）事務(wù)律師。

7. curator：（博物館、美術(shù)館、檔案館的）館長。

8. sketch： v. 素描。

9. governess： 家庭女教師。

10. scarlet fever： 猩紅熱，一種急性呼吸道傳染病；incarnation：化身，具體化。

11. manuscript： 手稿，底稿。

12. courtship： 戀愛期。

13. chaperon： // 陪伴，護(hù)送。

14. infuriated： 大怒的。

15. lymphatic leukaemia： 淋巴細(xì)胞白血病。

16. 畢翠克絲堅持著她原本可以與諾曼相守一生的想法，追尋著他們的夢想，在湖區(qū)索里附近的山頂農(nóng)場中建造了一個家。the Lake District： 英格蘭湖區(qū)，是英格蘭西北部坎布里亞郡的一片鄉(xiāng)村地區(qū)，風(fēng)景如畫的旅游勝地，湖泊與群山遍布，因19世紀(jì)初詩人華茲華斯（William Wordsworth）的作品以及湖畔詩人（Lake Poets）而著稱。畢翠克絲·波特曾在其創(chuàng)作的黃金時期居住于此。

17. subside：（感情、痛苦、聲音等）平息，減弱；acute： 嚴(yán)重的，劇烈的。

18. Miss Austen： 簡·奧斯汀（Jane Austen， 1775—1817），英國小說家，代表作有《傲慢與偏見》、《理智與情感》等；Persuasion：《勸導(dǎo)》，簡·奧斯汀的一部長篇小說，講述了一對青年男女歷經(jīng)磨難、終成正果的曲折愛情故事；Bath： 巴斯，英國城市，因曾是羅馬人的溫泉勝地而得名，是英國唯一列入世界文化遺產(chǎn)的城市，簡·奧斯汀曾在此居住，也是《勸導(dǎo)》這一故事的發(fā)生地。

19. Anne Elliott： 安妮·艾略特，《勸導(dǎo)》的女主人公。

20. pump room：（礦泉療養(yǎng)地的）飲水房。

21. Captain Wentworth： 溫特沃思上校，《勸導(dǎo)》的男主人公。

22. 她覺得她必須就即將嫁給威廉這件事給自己一個理由，也給其他所有人一個交代。

23. light-heartedness： 自由自在，無憂無慮。

24. pragmatic： 務(wù)實的，講求實際的。

25. teacake： 茶點心（一種含葡萄干的扁平圓形小面包）。

26. pipe： 煙斗。

27. 我在麥田里弄丟了諾曼的戒指——在我搬起一捆捆潮濕的麥?zhǔn)鴷r，手指從束帶下一滑，便將戒指碰掉了。但后來，我在扔進(jìn)雞圈里的剩下的那堆濕麥子里找到了它。cornfield： 麥田，稻田；sheaf： 捆，束。

28. threshing floor： 打谷場。

29. 我很慶幸在糟糕的收成之后幸免了最痛苦的事（指失去戒指）。crowning：最高的。