By Qu Gong Translation by Sam Bowden

One day after work, I got a Uber with a non-local licence plate, the guy with a Chongqing accent wouldn’t stop bragging to me: “I left home at seventeen. What’s the point of making money? Isn’t it just to make ourselves happy? I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. My dad could grab tens of millions in cash easily. But I’m a hard-nosed kind of guy, and I didn’t want any of his money. I’m not like my brother, who asked Dad for millions. I tell you the truth, this place where you live,nobody knows it better than me.My brother used to be in a gang around here. One time, a guy scratched up my car, saw that my plate was nonlocal and tried to give me the runaround. In the end, I had to give him a good walloping. The guy went to find some of his friends to come back at me, but when they recognized who I was they all bounced off,if that isn’t respect for my bro I don’t know what it is. Those little rascals are just juniors to my brother. Well, if you don’t mess with us we’re all quite cool, but we are not afraid of trouble.”

I was quite sure this was an experienced guy with a lot of“stories” in his life.

Later, the guy, sobbing while driving, was on the phone with his ex-girlfriend trying to win her back:

“Lily, there are two hotties in my car, but I didn’t even look at them. You’re the only one for me.From now on, I will do whatever you ask me to do…”

某天，我下班碰到個(gè)優(yōu)步司機(jī)，外地的車(chē)牌，說(shuō)一口重慶腔，跟我擺個(gè)不停：

“我十七歲就出來(lái)混。你說(shuō)賺錢(qián)為了啥嘛，還不是就為了圖個(gè)高興？我還算個(gè)富二代，我爸拿個(gè)幾千萬(wàn)沒(méi)問(wèn)題。我就是骨頭硬，不想找我爸要。不像我哥，找我爸要了幾百萬(wàn)。跟你說(shuō)，你住的這一帶，我熟得很，我哥以前就在這邊混社會(huì)。有一次，這邊有個(gè)人擦剮了我的車(chē)，看我是外地車(chē)牌，就來(lái)找我麻煩。結(jié)果，老子把那個(gè)人暴打一頓。那個(gè)人后來(lái)找了幾個(gè)兄弟回來(lái)找我，認(rèn)出是我就散了，還不是給我哥面子？這些娃兒都算我哥他們的小輩子。我們這些人，平時(shí)不惹我還是很本分，敢惹事那也不得怕哈……”

嗯，我肯定這是個(gè)有故事的老司機(jī)。

上車(chē)后，司機(jī)一邊開(kāi)車(chē)，一邊哭，在電話(huà)里挽留分手的女朋友：

“麗麗，現(xiàn)在車(chē)上兩個(gè)漂亮的妹妹，我看都不看一眼，我心里只有你一個(gè)啊。你以后喊我做啥子，我就做啥子嘛……”

One time, I was in a car with two besties talking about relationships. Just when I was talking about how my boyfriend was kind of stupid, the driver suddenly spoke up: “You’re still together with him even like this? What are you waiting for?Keeping him to take home for the New Year? Sis, don’t worry about it, I’ll find a guy for you. I promise I’ll get you a good one.”

有一次，跟兩個(gè)姐妹在車(chē)上聊感情方面的事。我正在講述男友比較缺心眼的毛病時(shí)，司機(jī)忽然開(kāi)口說(shuō)：“這樣的都不分，留著過(guò)年?。棵妹脛e擔(dān)心啊，我給你介紹一個(gè)，保證靠譜。”

One night, it was kind of late and I’d had too much to drink, so I ordered a car. But who knew, I had accidently ordered a designated driver. Ten minutes later, a guy came riding a foldaway bicycle and we looked at each other bewildered.

I asked: “Where’s your car?”

And he asked: “Where’s your car?”

有一次，半夜喝多了要回家，叫了輛專(zhuān)車(chē)，誰(shuí)知道點(diǎn)錯(cuò)了，叫成代駕。10分鐘后，騎著折疊自行車(chē)的司機(jī)和我相顧茫然。

我問(wèn)：“你車(chē)呢？”他問(wèn)：“你車(chē)呢？”

One day, I hailed a cab near Software Park and a BMW 7 series showed up. The driver was a middle-aged man in his forties.After I got in the car, he asked,“Where do you work?” I told him that I worked at an advertising agency. He replied saying, “Oh, so you don’t work at Software Park then?”

After we continued talking, I found out that his company was looking for some IT employees and he was using these e-hailing services around the Software Park area. If he found someone who worked around here, they would chat, and if their conversation went well, he would try to hire them. Using this method he said he’d already found two guys for his company.

有一次，我在軟件園附近叫車(chē)，結(jié)果，來(lái)了一輛寶馬7系。司機(jī)是一個(gè)四十多歲的中年男士。上車(chē)后，他問(wèn)我：“小伙子在哪個(gè)公司上班？”我說(shuō)在一家廣告公司。他說(shuō)：“哦，沒(méi)在軟件園上班??？”

繼續(xù)聊下去才知道，他的公司缺IT人才，就開(kāi)網(wǎng)約車(chē)在軟件園這邊轉(zhuǎn)，如果是在這里上班的就聊，聊了覺(jué)得靠譜，就拉人家去上班，說(shuō)是已經(jīng)拉到兩個(gè)人。

I’m an elementary school teacher and one time after coming out from school I got a Uber to take me home. After getting in the car, I saw a seven or eight year old little boy sitting next to the driver, shooting a glance of extreme dislike at me.

Before I had even had a chance to say anything the driver said,“Wow! Hello. I see your pickup location is at this elementary school here, are you a teacher?”

I told him that I was. He said,“That’s great, I guess you are.Thank goodness I bring my son along, can I trouble you to have a look at his homework?”

It was five o’clock on a Friday afternoon. The traffic was awful and I tutored his son for a halfhour… Sure enough, my tutoring fee turned out to be the same as my taxi fare.

我是一個(gè)小學(xué)老師，有次從學(xué)校出來(lái)，叫了輛網(wǎng)約車(chē)回家。上車(chē)一看，司機(jī)身邊坐了一個(gè)七八歲的小男生，極為怨憤地看著我。我還沒(méi)說(shuō)話(huà)，司機(jī)就說(shuō)：“哎呀，你好，我看你上車(chē)地點(diǎn)是這個(gè)小學(xué)，你是老師吧？”我說(shuō)是。他說(shuō)：“太好了，我猜你就是老師。幸虧我把兒子拉出來(lái)，麻煩你幫我看看他的功課?！?/p>

周五下午五點(diǎn)，外面堵得一塌糊涂，我就這么在車(chē)上給他兒子當(dāng)了一個(gè)半小時(shí)的家教……嗯，輔導(dǎo)費(fèi)就是我的車(chē)費(fèi)?！?/p>