I never intended to become a vegetarian—least of all for love.

That all changed one night in a seafood restaurant in Boston.

I was out with the man Id just started dating. Sajan is from an Indian family in Montreal， he had been a vegetarian since childhood， and he was struggling to convince the waiter to make something—anything—he could eat.

Id been looking forward to a nice grilled2） fish or maybe some mussels3） simmered4） in something zesty5）. But in that moment， I realized Sajan would be lucky to get a dish of penne6） with tomato sauce.

I went veg that night， and we shared that pitiful plate of pasta. It was an easy decision， but it changed my relationship with my own family in ways I couldnt have imagined.

I missed sushi the most， at first. But after I met Sajans family， there was a whole new culinary world to explore.

Sajans mom is an amazing cook， and I loved eating her food and learning her Punjabi7） recipes. Sajan never demanded I give up my own cuisine. But I knew how much he wanted to preserve his Indian heritage， and food seemed like a tangible way to do that.

But the older I get， the more I wonder if， in embracing my husbands cuisine， I neglected my parents traditions.

This past fall， after 10 years of marriage， our son Dev was born. Now Im a parent， too. I know how it feels to cradle8） my son in my arms and spoon food into his mouth. Its the ultimate act of nurturing. If he ever turned his back on our food， it would hurt. And I find myself thinking of my own mom—and how rarely I eat her food.

Like my mother-in-law， my mom is a good cook—but shes more comfortable with meals where meat is the centerpiece. When Sajan and I come home for a visit， my mom starts planning our meals weeks before we arrive. She needs time to figure out how to feed us.

She researches new vegetarian dishes （eggplant parm） and invents others （tofu marsala?。? She stocks up on beans and yogurt （even though she dislikes both）. And Sajan and I chip in， too—whipping up9） pots of Indian daal （lentil soup） or chana masala （spiced chickpeas）.

So often， even though were all sitting at the table together， were eating different meals. Ive never really talked with my mom about the food tensions in our relationship. But earlier this summer， when we brought Dev to spend a week with his grandparents in Iowa， I finally asked her about it.

“It is sometimes a challenge when youre home because I dont know how to cook the kinds of hearty10）， healthy things that you cook with daal and vegetables，” she admitted. “But it was really important to Dad and me that we honor [your and Sajans Indian vegetarian diet] and respect that because this was your future.”endprint

It turns out that my mom also had some questions of her own for me：

“You dont miss the flavors you grew up with？”

I do. And I dont.

My mom still makes my favorite cookies （molasses crunchies）. But Ive been away from home for so long， Ive become attached to lots of new foods. After ten years of fighting upset stomachs with khichri and starting my days with chai， Indian food has also become my food.

And its important to me that our son Dev feel connected to his Indian heritage. I worry that he wont know real Indian food and culture unless he gets it from us at home.

But my own mom can no longer feed me the way she used to. I always assumed she felt hurt by that， but talking to her in Iowa， I realized I was wrong.

“That is the plan，” she told me. “Youre my daughter， but youre not my child. You have your own home and you do things your way. We send you out and we expect that youre going to learn new things. And you have.”

There are so many different ways to show love through food—you can cook for someone， you can feed them.

Or you can just make a little room at the table for what they love to eat.

當我不再吃從小到大吃慣的媽媽做的飯菜，轉(zhuǎn)為追隨愛人成為素食主義者時，我媽媽并不為此難過，反而支持和尊重我，沒有以愛的名義干涉我的自由選擇。

我從未打算成為一個素食主義者——尤其是為了愛情這么做。

在波士頓一家海鮮餐館里的那個晚上這一切都改變了。

我和自己剛開始約會的那個男人一起出去。他叫薩揚，來自印度家庭，住在蒙特利爾，從小就是一個素食主義者。他竭力說服服務員做些他能吃的飯菜，只要能吃就行。

我本來一直期待享用美味的烤魚，或是加入誘人配料煨燉的貽貝。但當時我意識到，薩揚要是能有一盤加番茄醬的通心粉，就算是走運了。

那晚我成了一個素食主義者，我們一起吃完了那盤可憐的意大利面。做出這個決定很容易，但這個決定竟以我意想不到的方式改變了我與自己家人的關系。

起初，我最想念吃壽司。但在我遇到薩揚一家后，一個全新的烹飪領域等著我去探索。

薩揚媽媽是位了不起的廚師，我喜歡吃她做的食物，學習她的旁遮普食譜。薩揚從不要求我放棄自己的飲食習慣。但我知道他有多么想延續(xù)自己的印度傳統(tǒng)，而保留飲食習慣似乎是一個實實在在的辦法。

但自己的年齡越大，我越想知道自己接受丈夫的飲食習慣，是否就因此忽略了父母的飲食傳統(tǒng)。

結(jié)婚十年后，在這個剛剛過去的秋天，我們的兒子德夫出生了。現(xiàn)在我也當母親了。我知道把兒子抱在懷里，給他喂食物是什么感覺。這是養(yǎng)育最基本的行為。如果他不吃我們做的食物，我們就會傷心。我不禁想起自己的母親——我極少吃她做的飯菜。

像我婆婆一樣，我母親廚藝也很優(yōu)秀，不過她更擅長做以肉為主的飯菜。薩揚和我回家探望時，我母親在我們到家?guī)字芮熬烷_始計劃我們的飯菜了。她需要花時間搞清楚應給我們做什么吃的。

她開始研究新的素菜（奶酪茄子）并獨創(chuàng)了一些菜肴（馬沙拉酒泡豆腐）。她儲備豆子和酸奶（盡管她不喜歡這兩樣食品）。薩揚和我也加入，很快就做好了幾鍋印度扁豆湯（扁豆湯）或是咖喱鷹嘴豆（加滿香料的鷹嘴豆）。

經(jīng)常的情況是，我們盡管一起坐在一個飯桌旁用餐，但吃的是不同的飯菜。我從未真正和母親談過彼此關系中存在的食物沖突問題。但今年夏初，我和愛人帶德夫在愛荷華州和姥姥、姥爺共度一周時，我終于問了母親這個問題。

“你回家時，我不知道怎么用扁豆和蔬菜做既豐盛又健康的飯菜，有時確實是個挑戰(zhàn)，”她坦言道，“但你爸和我必須尊重你和薩揚的印度素食飲食習慣，這一點非常重要，因為這關乎的是你自己的未來。”

原來我媽媽也有一些問題要問我：

“你不懷念從小吃到大的飯菜嗎？”

我懷念。也不懷念。

我媽仍然做了我最愛吃的餅干（糖蜜味脆餅干）。不過，我已離家很久，已經(jīng)愛上很多新的食物。與讓我腸胃不舒服的印度米豆粥打交道，以印度茶開始我的每一天，這樣過了十年后，印度的飯菜已成了我的飲食習慣。

讓我們的兒子德夫感受到與印度文化傳統(tǒng)的聯(lián)系，這對我來說很重要。我擔憂的是他無法了解真正的印度食物和文化，除非在家里從我們這里了解。

不過，我媽媽不能再像過去那樣給我做飯了。對此我一直覺得她會難過的，但在愛荷華州和她談及此事時，我意識到我錯了。

“就是這安排，”她告訴我，“你是我的女兒，但不再是我的孩子了。你有自己的家庭，你按自己的方式做事。我們送你出去，希望你學到新的東西。你也的確學到新東西了?！?/p>

用食物表達愛意的方式很多——你可以為某人烹飪，給他們做吃的。

或者你可以在餐桌上騰個小空間，放上他們喜歡吃的食物。endprint