俞江濤

假設(shè)你是李華，你的朋友李明給你來(lái)信說(shuō)他最近喜歡玩手機(jī)，無(wú)論什么時(shí)候都離不開(kāi)手機(jī)。他問(wèn)你是不是也這樣。請(qǐng)你用英語(yǔ)給他寫(xiě)一封回信，說(shuō)說(shuō)玩手機(jī)的弊端，說(shuō)服他少玩手機(jī)。

注意：1.詞數(shù)100左右；2. 可適當(dāng)增加細(xì)節(jié)，以使行文連貫。

Dear Li Ming，

I am glad that you are willing to tell me your trouble. ________________________________________

_____________________________________________.

Yours，

Li Hua

[習(xí)作1]

Dear Li Ming，

I am glad that you are willing to tell me your trouble. You say you like playing cellphones. You cant leave it any time. I tell you that once I was like you.Later on I realized it was wrong and gave up the bad habit. I advise you to give up playing cell phones any more. Playing too much is a waste of time. You will have no time to do your homework or have a rest. It has a bad effect on your achievements. It also does harm to your health. You may succeed if you concentrate on studies. Playing with phones too much makes your eyesight poorer and makes your grades lower.

Yours，

Li Hua

點(diǎn)評(píng)

這篇作文有四個(gè)要點(diǎn)：你的朋友李明給你來(lái)信說(shuō)他最近喜歡玩手機(jī)，無(wú)論什么時(shí)候都離不開(kāi)手機(jī)；他問(wèn)你是不是也這樣；請(qǐng)你用英語(yǔ)給他寫(xiě)一封回信，說(shuō)說(shuō)玩手機(jī)的弊端；說(shuō)服他少玩手機(jī)。這篇習(xí)作把四個(gè)要點(diǎn)寫(xiě)全了。

但這篇習(xí)作有諸多問(wèn)題：

1.整篇習(xí)作都沒(méi)有分段。分段能保證文章有層次，也能緩解閱卷老師的閱讀疲勞。

2.語(yǔ)言簡(jiǎn)單重復(fù)，意思表達(dá)單調(diào)。詞匯運(yùn)用低級(jí)，句式結(jié)構(gòu)單一。

3.句子與句子之間沒(méi)有過(guò)渡詞。閱卷老師喜歡看到結(jié)構(gòu)完整、邏輯清晰的作文。邏輯關(guān)系怎么體現(xiàn)？靠的就是過(guò)渡詞。閱卷時(shí)間非常緊張，老師沒(méi)有時(shí)間去研究你的句子之間的邏輯關(guān)系。你必須把邏輯關(guān)系外顯出來(lái)，讓老師不用思考，一眼就能看明白。

改進(jìn)建議

1. 劃分段落：把第一、二個(gè)要點(diǎn)作為一段，第三個(gè)要點(diǎn)作為一段，第四個(gè)要點(diǎn)作為一段。

2. 把You say換成In your letter， I learn that ...，句子的語(yǔ)氣很重要。

第三句話可改成What I want to tell youis that there was a time when I liked it no less than you. （主語(yǔ)從句，表語(yǔ)從句加上定語(yǔ)從句和比較級(jí)）

第四句話改成Not until I fell far behind， did I realize that it was playing with phones that was to blame for my failure. （倒裝句和強(qiáng)調(diào)句型）

要恰如其分地把自己學(xué)到的詞匯、語(yǔ)法知識(shí)、句型展現(xiàn)給閱卷老師。

3. 說(shuō)服過(guò)程如果分兩點(diǎn)拓展，可用For one thing ... For another ...這樣的結(jié)構(gòu)，或者On （the） one hand ... On the other hand ...。如分三點(diǎn)拓展，可用First and foremost ... Additionally ... Last but not least ...這種結(jié)構(gòu)。

[習(xí)作2]

I am glad that you are willing to tell me your trouble. In your letter， I learn that so addicted to playing cellphones are you that you cant go without it， no matter when and where you are. You asked if I was like you. What I want to tell you is that there was a time when I liked it like you. Not until I fell far behind， did I realize that it was playing with phones that was to be blamed for my failure.

Based on your situation， I sincerely give you my suggestion that youd better rid yourself of the habit of playing with phones too much. First and furthermore， with too much time devoted to phones， there is no doubt that you will have not enough time to study， let alone have a good rest. Additionally， not only are your academic performances affected， but also it poses a threat to your health. Only when you put your whole heart into your study， can you multiply the possible of being admitted into a key university. Last but not least， spending a long time staring at the screen contributes to eyesight fading and grades slipping.

Hopefully， I wish you can take my advice into consideration. Looking forward to your early reply！

Yours，

Li Hua

點(diǎn)評(píng)

1. 要點(diǎn)齊全，分段合理，過(guò)渡詞的運(yùn)用恰如其分，顯得文章思路清晰，層次分明。

2. 運(yùn)用了多種高級(jí)句式（如倒裝句、強(qiáng)調(diào)句型、主語(yǔ)從句、表語(yǔ)從句、定語(yǔ)從句、非謂語(yǔ)、同位語(yǔ)從句、虛擬語(yǔ)氣、with的復(fù)合結(jié)構(gòu)），not only ... but also ...，sb. be to blame，rid ... of等短語(yǔ)的運(yùn)用也向閱卷老師展示了強(qiáng)大的英語(yǔ)功底。

3. 有少許語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤和表達(dá)不當(dāng)。

改進(jìn)建議

1. 斜體字部分有中式英語(yǔ)表達(dá)You asked if I was like you，而且時(shí)態(tài)前后不一致，建議改成You wonder whether it is the same case with me。

I liked it like you改成when I liked it no less than you，因?yàn)橛帽容^級(jí)表達(dá)更顯功底。

2. that was to be blamed for說(shuō)明這位同學(xué)對(duì)詞匯用法掌握不精準(zhǔn)，應(yīng)改成that was to blame for。

possible詞性運(yùn)用錯(cuò)誤，此處應(yīng)用它的名詞形式possibility。

3. I wish you can語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，此處應(yīng)用虛擬語(yǔ)氣，改為I wish you could。

范文

I am glad that you are willing to tell me your trouble. In your letter， I learn that So addicted to playing cellphones are you that you cant go without it（so ... that ... 倒裝句）， no matter when and where you are（讓步狀語(yǔ)從句）， about which you feel upset. You wonder whether it is the same case with me. What I want to tell you is that there was a time when I liked it no less than you（主語(yǔ)、表語(yǔ)、定語(yǔ)從句，比較級(jí)）. Not until I fell far behind， did I realize that it was playing with phones that was to blame for my failure（not until引導(dǎo)的倒裝句，強(qiáng)調(diào)句）.

Based on your situation， I sincerely give you my suggestion that youd better rid yourself of the habit of playing with phones too much（分詞作狀語(yǔ)，同位語(yǔ)從句、rid ... of短語(yǔ)）. First and furthermore， With too much time devoted to phones（with復(fù)合結(jié)構(gòu)）， there is no doubt that you will have not enough time to study， let alone have a good rest. Additionally， not only are your academic performances affected， but also it poses a threat to your health. （not only ... but also ... 倒裝句）only when you put your whole heart into your study， can you multiply the chance/possible of being admitted into a key university（only接狀語(yǔ)從句引起的倒裝）. Last but not least， Spending a long time staring at the screen contributes to eyesight fading as well as grades slipping.

Hopefully， I wish you could take my advice into consideration. Looking forward to your early reply！

Yours，

Li Hua