于圣欣

本刊2015年7月在創(chuàng)刊十周年之際發(fā)起的主題為“我和英語有個故事”的全國中學生英語征文大賽現(xiàn)已圓滿落幕。本期我們繼續(xù)選登一篇獲獎作文及北京新東方學校優(yōu)能中學老師的相應精彩點評，以饗大家。本次與大家分享的是此次征文大賽二等獎的一篇獲獎文章。

A Beautiful Story

Chance or fate or whatever you may like to call made me meet English in that summer. The story between us had started.

I'm a girl who enjoys natural sights. When I was young， I visited many famous landscapes. What impressed me most deeply was the West Lake. There was no wind and the clouds were still. The West Lake was as beautiful as a painting. I was free of mind and happy of heart.

When I walked slowly around the lake whose surface is like a mirror without a clear direction or purpose， I was immersed in the smell of flowers so I didn't pay attention to the way. I was wandering at the edge of the lake and I was not aware of it. Just then an American passerby shouted at me： "Look out！" I couldn't understand her words in time because I was so young. But when I stopped walking and turned my head， I nearly tumbled into the lake.

This is only the start of the story about me and English. As time went by， there was something new in the story.

When I was old enough， I came to know of a man who lived at 221B Baker Street. Now I guess you know who he is. Yes， he is Sherlock Holmes， the main character in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's books. I admire him for his resourcefulness and seriousness， and he has also sown a seed named bravery in my heart. Since discovering him， I have read his whole series of books. One thing different， my book is Conan Doyle's original work. Because I decided to find out more about this real detective， I started my travels in English literature with a dictionary.

Baker Street in London is where my dream began； I'm on the road with my friend—English. I will never give up.

Time goes by， and our story is continuing.

Call一詞后缺少賓語，另外，該句的中式思維比較明顯，建議將其改為：Chance or fate or whatever you may like to call it introduced me to English that summer.

本句是一個由what引導的主語從句，結構簡單易懂。大家在平時寫作中也可以使用這個句型，如：What I like most is reading books. （我最喜歡的事情就是讀書。）

對于still一詞，我們較為熟知的可能是其作為副詞時的含義“仍然；還是”，其實，它還可以作為形容詞，表示“靜止的；不動的”，這句話中的still表示的就是這個含義。

And前后使用了兩個并列結構free of mind和happy of heart，用法簡單明了，表現(xiàn)出西湖的景色令作者心曠神怡。

作者想要表達的是自己因沉醉于花香之中而沒有“注意路”，“pay attention to the way”的表達是典型的中式英語，可將其改為pay attention to where I was walking。

由于and所連接的兩個并列結構的主語和謂語相同，所以and之后的I was可以省略。

作者想要表達的意思是自己當時沒有及時領會到那位美國人的善意提醒，若將I couldn't understand her words改寫為I did not make sense of what she meant則會更為出彩。另外，作者對此給出的理由是自己當時年齡太小了，這不免有些牽強，建議將原因修改為because I knew nothing about this new language，即因為作者當時對英語一無所知。

按照英語的表達習慣，應將me and English改為English and me。

Go by可以表示“（時間）過去；逝去”，用在這里非常貼切。不過，逗號之后的部分表達得不太地道，可將其改為something new came to the story。

作者在這里沒有使用常見的many或a lot of等詞來表示“許多”之意，而是選用了series來表示“一系列”。大家也可以向小作者學習，在寫作時靈活多變地選用詞匯。

當work表示“作品；著作”時應用復數(shù)，所以應將work改為works。另外，這句話的中式思維較為明顯，所以建議將其改為：One thing is different about these books. I read Conan Doyle's books in their original form.

本文講述了作者是如何與英語結緣，并通過閱讀柯南·道爾的原著來了解福爾摩斯的。開頭將英語擬人化，用meet一詞來描述自己與英語的相識，引人入勝。

文章的中間部分詳細介紹了自己與英語相識的原因。在描述具體事件時，作者所用的語言貼近生活、簡單明了，語氣輕松愉快，且畫面感很強。在引入自己的偶像福爾摩斯時，一句“I came to know of a man who lived at 221B Baker Street. Now I guess you know who he is”拉近了作者與我們之間的距離，讓人讀來覺得輕松愉快。大家也可以在隨筆或日記中借鑒這種寫作手法，不過在應試類的作文中還是要盡量選用相對正式一點的表達哦。

文章最后以并列句結尾，言簡意賅，令人飽含期待；言已盡，意猶未了。整篇文章雖用詞不奢華，情感卻無比真摯。

教師簡介：

李亞男，北京新東方學校優(yōu)能中學部教師，畢業(yè)于首都師范大學英語語言文學系和心理系；常年教授中考英語，熟諳考試規(guī)律，了解考試動態(tài)，能夠針對不同的學生進行授課，從而培養(yǎng)學生對英語的學習興趣，提高學生的英語能力和應試能力。