YOU’VE GOT QUESTlONS, SHE’S GOT ANSWERS

(BUT YOU PROBABLY WON’T LlKE THEM)

I’m crazy sick. I eat a lot of 煎餅 (jiānbing, Chinese pancakes), like, every day for breakfast. Do you think they are using gutter oil or something like that? It’s really annoying.

Scot Scott

Well, of course it’s the 煎餅. You don’t have enough experience eating Chinese food. You can’t just have some spicy 煎餅 every day! Try another Chinese breakfast, something more bland, like some nice 稀飯 (xīfàn, congee)—yes it looks horrible, but it’s as good for you as hot water. Or, just try some 油條 (yóutiáo, fried breadsticks) with some nice, soothing 豆?jié){ (dòujiāng, soy milk). We Chinese have conquered the world through our food, and it amazes me how few people know how to eat it. You’re an amateur, so don’t be a 吃素的(chīsù de, vegetarian, a wimp).

Well, they’ve shut down the VPN on my phone, so now I don’t have anything better to do than email you. Any websites you can recommend that get over the Great Firewall?

Grhm87

Oh, well, thank you for gracing me with your question, oh大老爺 (dàlǎoye, revered lord). 你以為你是誰 (Nǐ yǐwéi nǐ shì shuí, who do you think you are), comrade? The internet is China—I mean just look at it! Why would you want to go on other websites? Also, I don’t see why people keep using it, and I certainly don’t approve of 網(wǎng)絡(luò)俚語 (wǎngluò lǐyǔ, internet slang) being used all the time. So, just read the major newspapers; they even have English versions for people too 懶惰 (lǎnduò, lazy) to learn Chinese. They let you know it’s modern by using the phrase, 現(xiàn)今 (xiànjīn, nowadays), and they keep you up to date on all the latest issues, like the 抗日戰(zhàn)爭 (Kàng-Rì Zhànzhēng, War of Resistance against Japan).

My apartment management is rubbish. They won’t fx the toilet. The hot water is broken. Shout at them for me.

S

No, I’m not your 攻擊犬 (gōngjīquǎn, attack dog), at least, not for free. Everyone has problems with their 物業(yè)管理 (wùyè guǎnlǐ, property management). The rich 業(yè)主 (yèzhǔ, landlords) buy their apartments and then leave the management to take care of it. It is the way of the world. And, what’s worse, here in Beijing prices have gone crazy. People pay so much money for the view. The view? This is Beijing! No one can see anything for the 霧霾 (wùmái, smog). You can scare your landlord by not paying rent, but you can’t scare your 物業(yè). My best advice is to start annoying your landlord—they’re the ones who pay the management fees. Or, if you don’t feel like bothering with that, just pay for it yourself, and charge it to your landlord.

Got questions for our Agony Ayi? Send them to agonyayi@theworldofchinese.com