My friend Natalie can’t see the point in you. She says that all you do is burp， 1)fart， 2)dribble， grin inanely and emit a series of unintelligible noises. Admittedly she hasn’t seen you at your best， but I still think that’s a little harsh.

The first time Natalie came to visit you were asleep on your back， gurgling little spit bubbles， a thin strand of 3)drool running down your chin. Natalie just stared at you as if you were a creature from another planet. She made no secret of the fact that she wasn’t impressed.

The second time she came to visit you crawled across the carpet towards her and vomited on her expensive new shoes. I tried to 4)make light of it， explaining that it’s mainly just liquid and wipes off easily， but she really did look quite appalled.

Natalie likes being a career woman， rushing between meetings in her power suit， clutching her Starbucks Coffee and her laptop. She’s never wanted a husband or a baby， but if she could see you on a good day， I’m sure she’d feel differently. If she could see the way you clap your hands and squeal with excitement when 5)Scooby-Doo comes on the telly then she’d find you just as adorable as I do.

If I’m honest， I think you could have made a bit more of an effort when Natalie first visited our house. I know it was the morning after 6)Spongey’s 7)stag do， but I thought you could have at least lugged yourself into the bedroom instead of lying sprawled on the sofa in a curly 8)wig， a pair of women’s shoes and a T-shirt with a photo of Spongey’s bare bottom on the front. If you’d had some trousers on it might not have been so bad. Natalie and I were comfortable enough perched on the wooden chairs， but it was quite distracting to have you snoring over our conversation， and I think Natalie was a bit uncomfortable when you started mumbling and fiddling with yourself.

When Natalie left， giving me a kiss on the cheek and a look of pity before rushing off for an

appointment with her personal trainer， I removed your 9)stilettos， covered you with a blanket and wiped the drool from your chin. Later， when you woke up screaming about a pain in your head which you assumed must be a brain 10)haemorrhage， I gently explained that you had simply consumed an excessive amount of alcohol. I then sat by your side， holding your hand and stroking your forehead 11)in a bid to reassure you.

I’d secretly hoped that things would be better the next time Natalie came to visit. I assumed that when I told you she was coming for dinner you would come home from the pub before ten o’clock， but of course you bumped into Spongey down at the Queens Head and the two of you decided to celebrate the fact that you were wearing the same socks. I understand how important these things are to you， and I do appre-ciate the fact that you phoned me from the pub six times with a string of terrible excuses， but could you not have come for the Chicken 12)Chasseur I had prepared? Instead you fell through the front door three hours late， addressed Natalie as Bob， crawled towards her 13)on all fours and then 14)chucked up all over her feet. It wiped off just as I said it would， but I don’t think that made Natalie like you any better.

Once Natalie had left—which she did at great pace—I cleared up the mess and sat you down at the kitchen table. You clutched my fingers tightly and tried to put one of them in your mouth， mistaking it for the 15)digestive biscuit I offered you. I should have been furious， but when you grinned stupidly at me， your mouth surrounded by biscuit crumbs， my heart softened and I forgave you. At the end of the day， however badly you behave， you’re mine and I still love you.

I can understand why Nathalie thinks you’re an idiot， but it’s easy for her to judge. She already has everything she ever desired. I never wanted the impressive job title， the 16)sports car or the big 17)flashy house. All I ever really wanted was to be a mother. You might not be the most sophisticated man in the world， but you have a good heart and all the other necessary parts to help me fulfil that dream.

I know exactly why having a baby is so important to me: I want someone I can take care of. I find it incredible that another helpless human being could rely on me to look after them. Babies are so utterly incapable of looking after themselves， so dependent on others for their 18)well-being. From their failure to control their bodily functions to their inability to use their tiny undeveloped brains， they are so completely useless without someone to care for them. I want to be needed like that.

我的朋友娜塔莉看不出來你有什么特別之處。她說你除了打嗝、放屁、流口水、傻笑、發(fā)出連串莫名其妙的噪音之外，什么都不會。誠然，她沒見過你狀態(tài)最好的樣子，不過我還是覺得她說的話有點刺耳。

娜塔莉第一次來，你仰臥著睡得正酣，嘴里吐著小泡泡，口水細細一條流到下巴來了。娜塔莉就那樣盯著你看，好像你是外星生物似的。她對你沒什么好印象，對此她毫無掩飾之意。

她第二次來，你在地毯上向她爬過去，還吐在了她那雙昂貴的新鞋上。我想把大事化小，于是向她解釋說那些不過是些液體，很容易就能擦干凈，可是她看上去的確臉色都變了。

娜塔莉喜歡當一名職業(yè)女性，穿著她的職業(yè)套裝，握著星巴克咖啡，拿著手提電腦，奔走參加大小會議。她從沒想過要結婚或生子，不過如果她能在某個好日子見到你，我確信她的想法會有改觀的。如果她能看到史酷比出現(xiàn)在電視上，你拍著小手興奮尖叫的樣子，她就會和我一樣覺得你其實很可愛。

說實話，我覺得娜塔莉第一次來的時候，你還可以多努力一把。我知道前一晚是給“綿球”搞的男生派對，不過我想你至少還是可以把自己拽進臥室里去，而不是四腳朝天地躺在沙發(fā)上，頭戴卷曲假發(fā)，腳蹬女鞋，身穿正面印著“綿球”那光屁股照片的T恤。如果你穿了褲子，也許情況還沒這么糟糕。娜塔莉和我坐在木椅子上還挺舒服的，可聊天的時候你在旁邊不停地打呼嚕，確實挺擾人的。你開始咕噥著動來動去的時候，我覺得娜塔莉顯得不太自在。

娜塔莉離開時親了親我的臉，她要趕去見她的私人教練，走之前臉上還露出了一絲憐憫。我?guī)湍忝摰袅四请p女式?jīng)鲂?，給你蓋上毯子，還擦去了你下巴上的口水。后來你醒了，尖叫著說頭痛，你覺得一定是腦出血了，我溫柔地向你解釋，你只不過是酒喝多了。接著我坐在你身旁，握著你的手，輕撫你的額頭讓你安心。

我偷偷地希望，下次娜塔莉再來，情況能有所改善。我以為當我告訴你她要過來吃午餐時，你會在10點前從酒吧回來，不過當然，你在皇后巷撞見了“綿球”，后來你們倆決定去慶祝一下，慶祝大家穿著一模一樣的襪子。我明白這些事情對于你來說有多重要，而我也很感激你在酒吧打了六次電話給我，編了一大串蹩腳的謊話，可是你就不能回來只為吃我準備的法式香煎雞肉佐獵人醬汁嗎？可是你卻在三個小時之后跌進了前門，把娜塔莉喚做鮑勃，四腳著地向她爬過去，并吐在了她的腳上。就像我說的那樣，那些東西可以被擦洗掉，可是我不認為這樣做會讓娜塔莉更喜歡你。

等娜塔莉一離開——她是邁著大步走掉的——我就把那一團糟清理干凈了，然后扶你在廚房的桌子前坐下。你緊緊抓住我的手指，想將其中一只塞進嘴里，因為你把它當成了我給你的消化餅干。我應該大發(fā)脾氣，可是當你對著我傻笑時，你的嘴巴四周全是餅干屑，我的心就軟了，原諒了你。最終，無論你表現(xiàn)得有多糟糕，你都是我的，而我依然愛你。

我能理解為什么娜塔莉認為你是個白癡，她可以很輕易作出這樣的判斷。她已經(jīng)擁有自己想要的一切。我卻從未想過要什么響亮的工作頭銜、跑車或是大豪宅。我所真心想要的不過是做一名母親。你也許不是這個世界上最成熟的人，但你有一顆善良的心，以及助我實現(xiàn)夢想所必需的一切。

我很清楚為什么生個孩子對于我來說如此重要——因為我想要有個人能讓我照顧。有個無助的人依賴我照顧，這種感覺實在太棒了。嬰兒完全無法照顧他們自己，完全仰仗他人才能幸福。他們既不能控制自身的肌體功能，也無法運用那尚未發(fā)育完全的大腦。沒有了別人的照顧，他們就毫無用處。我就想這樣被別人需要著。