In this book, the author draws from her own transformative journey. Through eight pivotal insights, she reinterprets the core essence of “becoming” oneself, offering a fresh perspective on growth, especially for women. The path outlined transitions from financial independence to emotional autonomy, from staying in the shadows to bold self-expression, from being uneasy discussing money to speaking about it openly, and from being a full-time mother to diving into entrepreneurship. Only by breaking free from these visible and hidden constraints can we emerge and truly stand on our own.

Li Xiaomeng

Li Xiaomeng is a seasoned media professional and producer. She has hosted numerous well-known programs and has been honored with awards such as Chinas Radio and TV Golden Microphone Award, the Golden Eagle Award for Best TV Host, and the National March 8th Red-Banner Pacesetter Award. In recent years, she has dedicated herself to the study and exploration of family education and womens growth. Later, she ventured into independent media, focusing on parent-child education and womens development, aiding women in holistic personal growth.

Hello, Its Us

Li Xiaomeng

CITIC Press Group

April 2023

59.00 (CNY)

In earlier chapters, I have repeatedly emphasized the importance of valuing our feelings, tuning into our inner voice, and making decisions based on it while taking responsibility for the outcomes. Why is this so crucial? Ironically, I spent much of my life oblivious to this, living in a state best described as “drifting with the current.” The realization of its significance came, in part, thanks to my daughter. While reading parenting books for her sake, I often found myself awakened and healed first. Thats why I always advise younger friends: Once you become a parent, never miss the chance to nurture yourself again.

While researching the “terrible twos,” I encountered a statement I have never forgotten: Throughout our lives, what we seek most is a sense of freedom and control. Control is the source of our security and pride. A two-year-old child desires to put on a shoe by themselves; A 14-year-old teenager wishes for the privacy of a closed bedroom door; a 35-year-old adult yearns for financial freedom. In our later years, we crave the autonomy to manage our own bodies. Having a sense of control impacts our happiness index. Understanding this, not only can I remain patient with my two-year-olds incessant “nos,” but I also began to reflect on my own life.

If control is so vital, inherent to our human nature, why do many lose the ability to seek it?

This brings to mind a term that gained traction in 2020: “mental attrition.” Who first introduced this concept? Some trace it back to Freuds theories, such as the tug-of-war between the id and superego, life and death instincts, and the conscious versus the unconscious among others. Put simply, mental attrition occurs when theres a constant internal tug-of-war, overthinking but hesitating to express or act, leading to anxiety, regret, self-blame, and depression.

For instance, during online shopping festivals, the most annoying part isnt about spending money but rather the excessive time we spend browsing various platforms to choose products. If we want to buy a pair of sports shoes, we may compare colors, materials, and styles on different platforms. Yet, that is not the end. We then turn to social media platforms like Weibo to check user reviews and ratings and to research where we can get the best deal.

Why is making a simple purchase decision so hard? Its because we fear settling for something subpar or overpaying, and are anxious about buyers remorse. We invest a lot of time trying to counteract this inner dread of regret. This is a classic example of mental attrition. Apart from the disdain for regret, there are many forms of mental exhaustion: facing obstacles at work, you imagine all sorts of bad outcomes in your mind, forgetting to think about how to solve the problem. In raising children, if they act slightly against your wishes, you fear they are heading down the wrong path. For instance, overthinking minor things like, “My husband didnt reply to my message immediately. Does he still love me?” “The boss didnt discuss my proposal in yesterdays meeting. Is he unsatisfied with my work?” “My close colleague chatted in the break room without inviting me. Are they speaking ill of me behind my back?” The more you try to control, the more out of control you feel. More mental exhaustion leads to more fatigue, stress, and unhappiness.

The reason is that our sense of self is either not established or too weak. When faced with decisions, we are stuck, not wanting to miss out and yet not wanting to commit. Take shopping for instance, “That item looks good; I want to buy it” might stem from emotions, desires, and instincts. “What if friends mock me for buying something cheap?” possibly arises from societal pressures and the influences of our environment. “Better save; it probably isnt that great” might come from rationality or past regrets. Before our sense of self is strong, we need to consciously develop ourselves. This kind of growth requires pain. However, as Romain Rolland said, “There is only one heroism in the world: to see the world as it is and to love it.”

Following your heart and making decisions might lead to one potential issue: What if I regret it? The book Stop Wasting Mental Energy mentions a “regret-minimization bias.” The shopping example earlier illustrates this bias. We try everything to avoid regret, ignoring the costs of doing so.

This fear and aversion to regret not only traps us in mental fatigue but also impacts our decision-making. Would Elon Musk have invested in rocket launches if he feared regret? Facing three consecutive launch failures and with only one chance left, if he thought, “If this fails again, Im done. I cant live with the regret”, would he still dare to launch? If humans fear regret, they cant move forward.

It is the same for us. If you fear regret, making the right choices becomes hard. It is normal to fear great uncertainties, but we must believe in our adaptability. If we constantly fear future regrets, we miss many opportunities to explore lifes possibilities. Some are afraid to marry, some hesitate to have children, and some retirees, even with time and money, fear traveling. You might miss out on a lifelong partner, the immense joy of parenthood, or a unique life experience. Moreover, we must remind ourselves that our decisions at any given moment were the best ones for that moment.

I cant expect my 20-year-old self to choose a partner with the maturity I have now, nor to succeed in an investment without any prior experience. At each stage, we have our needs and dilemmas, and we make the best choices for ourselves based on them. So dont blame your past self; dont regret past decisions. Such regrets are not only meaningless but make you even more indecisive in the future.

Stop Wasting Mental Energy states: “Fear of making a wrong choice can lead to inaction, which is not the best strategy. Its better to make decisions bravely based on your understanding and available information. Have confidence in your choices and take things lightly. Instead of focusing on decisions and potential outcomes, ensure youre prepared to accept your own changes.”