–PHOTOGRAPHY BY HUANG RUIDE （黃瑞德）

Ayi, heIp! There’s a weird object floating in the sky, not far from my window, and giving off this faint purpIe Iight. What if it’s the aIiens coming to get me?

Tommy Cannot SIeep

Oh give me a break， you 自戀狂 （zìliànkuáng， narcissist）！ What do the aliens want you for， you 膽小鬼 （dǎnxiǎoguǐ， scaredy-cat）？ If they’re here for some earthly 智慧 （zhìhuì， wisdom）， they would’ve come for me first. I’ve been all over China with my 退休旅行團(tuán) （tuìxiū lǚxíngtuán， retiree travel group）； I’d love to check out some 外太空 （wàitàikōng， outer space）！ What happened to your 求知欲 （qiúzhīyù， desire for knowledge） and 探索欲 （tànsuǒyù， desire to explore）， you 井底之蛙 （jǐngdǐzhīwā， “frog at the bottom of the well，” shortsighted person）？ But before I get your hopes up， are you sure it’s not a kite？ I heard kitemakers are very 厲害 （lìhai， impressive） nowadays. I even saw an 埃及艷后 （Aijí Yànhòu， Cleopatra） kite once， and thought I was 做夢 （zuòmèng， dreaming）. You should 看看清楚 （kànkan qīngchu， take a close look）. 別被耍了（bié bèi shuǎ le， don’t get fooled）， you 蠢蛋（chǔndàn， dumbass）！

MiIk tea is so deIicious, but I’ve been having two a day! Do I have a probIem?

Sweet-Tooth Bob

Ah， another one of you without any 自制力 （zìzhìlì， self control）！ How’s your 體重 （tǐzhòng， weight） looking？ Those 健身教練 （jiànshēn jiàoliàn， fitness coaches） in the street are gonna come up to shame you into 辦卡 （bànkǎ， sign up for membership） in no time！ Milk teas are just so 不上檔次 （bú shàng dàngcì， having no class）. You know what 有錢人 （yǒuqiánrén， rich people） drink nowadays？ Home brewed 低糖恐怖茶 （dītáng kǒngbùchá， low-sugar “scary tea”）—or is it 康普茶 （kāngpǔchá， kombucha）？—or 進(jìn)口燕麥奶 （jìnkǒu yànmàinǎi， imported oat milk） and 八二年的拉菲 （bā'èr nián de Lāfēi， “1982 vintage Chateau Lafite-Rothschild，” a stereotypical expensive red wine）. Your obsession with milk tea is probably just because your life is too 空虛 （kōngxū， empty） that you need these 沒深度的 （méi shēndù de， shallow） pleasures to get by， just like my husband with his 白酒 （báijiǔ， rice liquor） and gambling！ I’m not trying to 嚇唬 （xiàhu， scare） you， but if you don’t quit your milk tea 癮 （yǐn， addiction）， you’ll end up a 沒出息的 （méi chūxi de， loser） guy just like him. Enough. I’m going back to sip on my healthy 豆汁兒 （dòuzhīr， fermented bean juice）， and let you 好好反省 （hǎohǎo fǎnxǐng， truly reflect on yourself）.

–ILLUSTRATION AND DESIGN BY CAI TAO AND GAO FEI

Got questions for our Agony Ayi? Send them to agonyayi@theworldofchinese.com

Gambiered Canton gauze is dyed (right) and dried (top) by artisans. This fabric from the Pearl River Delta in southeastern China is dubbed “soft gold” for being cool, soft, elegant, and crease-resistant. The manufacturing techniques can be dated back over 1,000 years and involve a dozen steps, including processing the fabric in a type of river mud unique to this region.