(BUT YOU PROBABLY WON’T LIKE THEM)

How do I make myseIf more attractive on dating apps?You’ve no idea how hard is it to meet peopIe in reaI Iife;everyone is so busy.

Sad Seth

You complete moron! Online dating is 白費工夫 (báifèi gōngfu, a waste of time)! Here’s how it should be done:On a big board, write down your 個人條件 (gèrén tiáojiàn,personal conditions) such as 學歷 (xuélì, education level)and 收入 (shōurù, income).Add some flattering but vague descriptions of yourself, like 人品好 (rénpǐn hǎo, good character) and 有上進心 (yǒu shàngjìnxīn, enterprising).Have your parents bring it down to the 相親角 (xiāngqīnjiǎo,matchmaking corner) in the local park with the other retirees.They’ll find you a match that’s 門當戶對 (méndāng hùduì, of equal status) in no time! Forget about dating apps;it’s all 詐騙 (zhàpiàn, scams), with young women pretending to be 名媛 (míngyuàn, socialites) by snapping photos in luxury restaurants.Or, you can get creative yourself, by posing in front of a Ferrari and using that as your profile picture…

Dear Ayi, what financiaI products do you recommend? I heard you 大媽 (dàmā, middIe-aged women) are experts in investments, 抄底 (chāodǐ, bottom-fishing) in the goId market, and 炒房 (chǎofáng, specuIating on reaI estate).Forget about 巴菲特 (Bāfēitè, Warren Buffett), I have the secret of 一夜暴富 (yí yè bào fù, getting rich overnight).Just lie down and close your eyes...right, in your 黃粱美夢(huángliáng měimèng, “dream of millet,” dreams)! You think it’s possible that 天上掉餡兒餅 (tiānshang diào xiànrbǐng, a pie will fall from the sky)? Because you’ve read some far-fetched stories, you can somehow 依樣畫葫蘆 (yī yàng huà húlu, “draw a gourd based on a real one,” blindly imitate)? Wake up! You’ll just be chewed up like 韭菜 (jiǔcài, “chives,” amateur stock buyers).Haven’t you heard? 人心不足蛇吞象 (Rénxīn bù zú shé tūn xiàng, Greed is like a snake trying to devour an elephant).It’ll only backfire on you!

Jimmy wants to get rich

Got questions for our Agony Ayi? Send them to agonyayi@theworldofchinese.com

Cats sit on the doorsteps and rooftops of Beijing’s hutongs.Photographer Liu Jingfang, blogging under the name “Cat Burglar,” likes to take pictures of the feline residents of these historic neighborhoods.