《知曉我姓名》譯后感

2019年12月初的一天，大學(xué)師妹楊沁聯(lián)系我，詢問是否有意向翻譯《知曉我姓名》一書，翻譯時(shí)間只給三個(gè)月，而出版社希望找一位能對(duì)作品“感同身受”的女性譯者來承擔(dān)這項(xiàng)工作。我看過樣稿和資料之后就接下了這一任務(wù)。如今轉(zhuǎn)眼已一年過去，年輕的作家香奈兒·米勒——張小夏的這部在美國(guó)獲得盛譽(yù)的回憶錄，在中國(guó)面世以來也受到了讀者與媒體的大量關(guān)注與好評(píng)，還以高分登上“2020豆瓣年度讀書榜單”。雖然中文版的翻譯不免瑕疵，但身為譯者的我總算“不辱使命”，這篇短文將從本書譯者的角度，談幾點(diǎn)感想體會(huì)。

難寫、難讀與難譯

小夏說，寫作是她與世界相處的方式。從2015年1月17日案件發(fā)生，歷經(jīng)漫長(zhǎng)的審判，直至2018年8月案犯的上訴被駁回，終身被登記注冊(cè)為性侵罪犯，本案才算真正塵埃落定。時(shí)間過去近四年，在好不容易從案件中掙脫出來之后，她又選擇潛入其中，倒退到起點(diǎn)，用筆剖開舊傷，用文字彌合裂縫，重建生活，開始寫作。

其中的艱難不言而喻。這是一部難得的以性侵案受害者第一人稱展開的回憶錄。如果您去閱讀英文原著，會(huì)發(fā)現(xiàn)作者在語(yǔ)言表達(dá)上，使用大量短句，尤其是無(wú)主語(yǔ)句，往往一個(gè)詞、兩個(gè)詞、三個(gè)詞就是一句。

我的感受是：語(yǔ)句的形態(tài)源于表達(dá)者當(dāng)時(shí)的狀態(tài)。當(dāng)一個(gè)人要訴說自己受侵犯的經(jīng)歷，事件發(fā)生后第一時(shí)間的震驚錯(cuò)愕、思緒混亂，隨后向親近之人告知此事的彷徨猶疑，多次前往警局錄筆錄、多次出庭作證受質(zhì)詢，沉重而絕望的創(chuàng)傷體驗(yàn)的反反復(fù)復(fù)來襲，案件結(jié)束后仍然需要面對(duì)的以年為單位的療愈歷程。

恐慌、易激惹、空虛感、忐忑不安、小心翼翼、無(wú)法集中注意力，在相當(dāng)一段時(shí)間內(nèi)都將是情緒的常態(tài)。我不知道復(fù)雜優(yōu)雅流暢的長(zhǎng)句是否能夠真切地傳達(dá)創(chuàng)傷親歷者的所感與所思。因此，在翻譯時(shí)恪守的原則是盡量接近作者的文體特征，不求信達(dá)雅，盡量仿照其句式，在可理解的基礎(chǔ)上不增加也不減少標(biāo)點(diǎn)，以保留原文情緒與氣息的傳達(dá)。小夏是一邊翻閱案卷資料，一邊回憶，一邊寫下這本書的。

她回顧了整個(gè)案件的始末，記錄下少為大眾所見的諸多細(xì)節(jié)。有網(wǎng)友評(píng)論：“這本書好在，從來不曾有一本書把性侵發(fā)生后的細(xì)節(jié)展露得如此巨細(xì)無(wú)遺……張小夏近乎強(qiáng)迫癥一般記錄了創(chuàng)傷后每一個(gè)微小的細(xì)節(jié)、表情、情緒和反應(yīng)，以及面對(duì)性侵時(shí)當(dāng)事人們的混亂和迷惘，我讀的所有性侵相關(guān)的研究和檔案都無(wú)法取代這種寶貴的真實(shí)?！?/p>

小夏筆下?lián)肀Ш捅Ｗo(hù)的真實(shí)可能會(huì)帶來閱讀的陌生體驗(yàn)和阻滯感。不少讀者在談到自己讀這本書的感受時(shí)，會(huì)覺得這本書難讀在難以一讀到底，隨著作者敘述的推進(jìn)，讀者被激起的諸種情緒充塞胸中，只能把書放一放，待情緒平復(fù)再讀下去。如果說作品中溢出的憤怒、哀傷、悲痛、絕望等諸種情緒形成的閱讀障礙如此影響到讀者，那么譯者在翻譯的過程中所體會(huì)到的本書的難譯之處，恐怕也正在于此。由敘述帶來的情緒壓力使譯者不得不時(shí)常打斷工作進(jìn)程。同時(shí)，譯稿初稿是在2020年2月間完成的，正好是國(guó)內(nèi)新冠疫情最為嚴(yán)重的一段時(shí)間，譯書期間足不出戶，內(nèi)外交困。本書的翻譯里保存了一段特殊的時(shí)光。

在張小夏的受害者陳述廣為流傳之后，曾有別有用心之人認(rèn)為那是篇代筆之作。她毫不客氣地指出：“他們真正想說的是，受害者不會(huì)寫作?！睘槭裁词芎φ卟粫?huì)寫作？是誰(shuí)、是什么在抑止女性受害者的寫作？文化中與女性性經(jīng)驗(yàn)、性創(chuàng)傷捆綁在一起的深刻羞恥感是寫作者、讀者、譯者需要直面和反思的對(duì)象。

守柔曰強(qiáng)：寫作、療愈和戰(zhàn)斗

小夏寫道：“我活了下來，因?yàn)槲沂厝幔驗(yàn)槲覂A聽，因?yàn)槲覍懽??！碑?dāng)小夏的文字進(jìn)入冷靜思考的節(jié)奏，不時(shí)讓我感到中國(guó)文化尤其是老子思想在她身上隱約的影響的閃現(xiàn)?！笆厝帷笔抢献拥恼Z(yǔ)匯?！兜赖陆?jīng)》中說：“見小曰明，守柔曰強(qiáng)?！薄皠偃苏哂辛Γ詣僬邚?qiáng)”，能夠戰(zhàn)勝心中巨大陰影者，當(dāng)然是“勇者”。

夫慈故能勇。小夏說：“我寫作是為了站在受害者的苦難旁邊?！彼膶懽鞯碾y得之處在于遠(yuǎn)超出對(duì)個(gè)人痛苦的書寫，而是以一種寫作者的自覺意識(shí)和寬闊胸懷，將目光關(guān)注到受害者和受偏見者整體。決心要寫出真相的她發(fā)現(xiàn)：“當(dāng)我把丑陋和痛苦的部分寫進(jìn)一份陳述時(shí)，一件不可思議的事情發(fā)生了。世界并沒有堵住它的耳朵，而是向我敞開了自己?！?/p>

《知曉我姓名》的開篇第一句話說：“我很害羞”。而這么一位害羞的華裔女孩，卻選擇了公開自己的姓名。她說：“決定使用我的名字，意味著我必須學(xué)會(huì)大聲說出我的故事。”公開姓名更是為了找回屬于自己的聲音。一名女性幸存者公開姓名，寫下一部筆觸細(xì)密、真實(shí)動(dòng)人的自傳記錄，使自己的故事成為了一種可分享的撫慰，其大無(wú)畏、大勇猛、大剛強(qiáng)與大智慧，需要被看到。

知雄守雌，知白守黑，知榮守辱。這段“出生入死”的經(jīng)歷亦如小夏在書中多次寫到的潛水，最后從最幽暗處升騰浮出水面重新呼吸，在內(nèi)心中完成轉(zhuǎn)化，再造復(fù)命，脫胎換骨。一切過往皆成就今日之我，今日之我需配得上過往的經(jīng)驗(yàn)，使之熔化鑄造出新我。正如她在一次節(jié)目訪談中所言：“毋庸置疑，你是無(wú)與倫比的，你是美麗的，有價(jià)值的，值得尊重的，不可否認(rèn)，每一天的每一分鐘，你都是強(qiáng)大的，沒有人能把這一切從你身上奪走。”其書英文初版的藍(lán)綠色封面上的金色紋路，代表日本的金繕修復(fù)術(shù)，用金粉和漆粉來修補(bǔ)破碎的陶器，而不是把破損的地方當(dāng)作瑕疵來掩蓋——雖然一件物品無(wú)法回到原有的模樣，但碎片可以再次拼起，甚至更新為一件藝術(shù)品。

重新拼湊起小夏生活的金粉，便是書中另一種豐富的細(xì)節(jié)，源于真實(shí)的日常生活世界中飽含安全、快樂、自由、愛和友善的無(wú)數(shù)細(xì)節(jié)。

小夏用飽含溫情與珍惜的筆墨把這些人生片段收藏在優(yōu)美無(wú)比的段落里：那些父母、姐妹、戀人和朋友們的無(wú)條件看見與陪伴、來自世界各地的信件和明信片、志愿者老夫婦的支持、自己畫的小小自行車和制作的版畫作品、父親咨詢室里的魚缸，還有路邊同座老人遞過來的一片甜椒、海底世界的各種奇妙生靈……正是這些金粉將一個(gè)受傷者的療愈能力和創(chuàng)造動(dòng)能激發(fā)出來，創(chuàng)造出超出自己原本想象之外的生活。

（感謝旅美作家張慈提供部分素材圖片）

Know Zhang Xiaoxia through Translation

Yang Xin， a schoolmate now working as an editor at a publishing house in Shanghai， contacted me in early December 2019 and asked me if I would like to translate Zhang Xiaoxia aka Chanel Millers Know My Name into Chinese within three months.

She said the publisher wanted a woman translator of empathy to do the job. After reading the book sample and reference files that came with the sample， I took the assignment. A year has elapsed.

The Chinese edition of the memoir， published in August 2020， ranked high at the year-end booklist issued in December 2020 by Douban， the most popular ranking website in China. Though the translation contains some defects， I feel proud that I have done the translation.

In my heart， the name of author is Zhang Xiaoxia due to her Chinese ancestral roots， even though she wants the world to know her as Chanel Miller.

Zhang Xiaoxia said writing is the way she copes with the world. Her nightmare occurred on January 17， 2015. After a long trial and appeal， the case ended in August 2018. Turner Brock was found guilty of three serious felonies and identified as a lifetime sex registrant. Then she decided to go back to the nightmare and wrote it out in full.

It goes without saying that the experience of writing and going through the tribulations again and again was hard， to say the least. In the memoir， Chanel Miller uses the first person perspective to shed light on her trauma. If you read the book in English， you run into quite a few incomplete sentences. The truncated sentences of one word， two words， or three words vividly delineate what the victim went through： shock， confusion， fear， hollowness， anguish， depression， inability to focus， etc.

She was in a distressed mental state for a long time， unable to feel normal. In translating， I doubted long complete sentences in Chinese could recreate the same tension and urgency， reinforces whats being said and make the same impact. I decided to hold fast to the original style， imitating it down to punctuation marks.

The book presents raw facts and speak out candidly， making some readers feel suffocated in reading. Some readers say that they failed to go through the book at one sitting. They had to put the book down to take a deep breath so that they could dismiss rage， despair， grief， sadness that occurred in reading so that they could pick up the book again. If readers go through all these feelings， I as a translator experienced the same feelings more sharply.

As the translator， I could feel the Chinese element in Xiaoxias writing. For example， “I survived because I remained soft， because I listened， because I wrote，” she wrote in the book. “Remaining soft” resembles an ancient Chinese concept promoted by Laozi， a philosopher of 2，500 years ago， in his timeless work Tao Te Ching.

What the ancient sage says can be paraphrased as follows： “The perception of what is small is the secret of clear-sightedness; the guarding of what is soft and tender is the secret of strength.”

I admire Xiaoxias courage. What she wrote about is far more than her personal sufferings. With the insight and heart of a writer， she spoke out for those who are crushingly victimized and prejudiced. Her book presents her bravery and wisdom， which should be made known to the world.

I admire Xiaoxias fighting spirit. She fought Turner Brock， wanting him to be punished for his heinous sexual assault， and wanting the world to know such sexual offenders should pay for what they do. But her kindness and humanity can be read between lines. She wrote in the book， “I wanted accountability and punishment， but I also hoped he was getting better. I didnt fight to end him， I fought to convert him to my side. I wanted him to understand， to acknowledge the harm his actions had caused and reform himself.”

I understand Xiaoxias fight was meant to enable herself to face the world and herself now and in the future. I hope the book I translated can let Xiaoxias name be known to more people in the world， and urge people to more relentlessly fight those who dare to harass and assault women sexually.