By Wan Qian

You Zhan was a famous cabaret artist during the Qin Dynasty (768-207BC). He was the source of amusement for the royal house and was often invited to the imperial palace to sing and dance for the second emperor of the Qin Dynasty.

You Zhan was very short. He had short arms, short feet, short legs and a belly full of jokes. He could be as funny as you wanted him to be. The emperor would burst into laughter just on sight of him.

One day, the emperor was in a good mood, he took the opportunity, with many ministers and generals of the imperial court present, to say something he’d had on his mind for quite some time.

He said,“The city wall is the treasure of the Qin Dynasty. The city wall is the prestige of the Qin Dynasty. Over the past few days, I,your emperor, have seen the city wall of our capital looking mottled and motley. It makes me upset.These city walls have been in disrepair for many years and it is ruining the image of our dynasty.Your emperor, I, has the mind to have the walls painted with the best paint available, making them look great again.”

The emperor wanted to paint the city walls? The ministers upon hearing the announcement looked at one another in shock and dismay. No one dared advising the emperor against his decision for fear of needleless offending him and getting their heads chopped off.

You Zhan, sitting on the side,heard the emperors proclamation and was very excited, glowing with pride and happiness.

The emperor noticed You Zhan’s expression right away, and as if finding someone who really understood him, he asked him to say a few words.

You Zhan, delighted, said,“Emperor, this is such a magnificent project. When the project begins, people from the whole country will come to work for his majesty, regardless if they have any skills or not. They can all stop their farming. We can use the best paint; the colors won’t fade for one hundred years or even a thousand years. The city walls of our capital will look stunning. The special envoys that come on‘pilgrimage’here from vassal states will see the Qin Dynasty’s magnificence and imposing appearance. Their legs will shake and they will have no choice but to acknowledge their own inferiority. We can, also,paint the city walls making them smooth and slippery. Those thieves, envious of us, would never be able to climb over the walls. They would climb and climb and eventually‘whoosh’sliding into the city moat down below.”You Zhan was speaking while acting out the scene at the same time, the emperor was watching in hysterics.

The emperor was laughing, but You Zhan was not, he suddenly started contemplating and said,“Such beautiful and precious city walls, they certainly wouldn’t look good in a sandstorm. What about all those people who are tending to their cows and goats? As soon as they go for a nap, the animals will be chewing at the walls,ruining them for sure. We would need to put up a big house around the walls to block them from the sand and cover them from the rain and only then could they last forever. We would have to send out heavy infantry to protect the walls from those ignorant animals who might try to violate our treasure.”

The emperor fell into deep thinking. After a long period of silence, he suddenly said,“We’ll talk about this another time. Let’s start the show.”

After the performance, it was as if the emperor had totally forgotten all about painting the city walls. The ministers and generals all let out a sigh of relief and praised You Zhan for his quick wit.