By+Carlin+Flora

Even the best of friends can fill you with tension and make you sick. Why does friendship so readily turn toxic？

即便是最好的朋友也能讓你神經(jīng)緊張，厭煩不已。為何友情這么容易變質(zhì)呢？

Think of a time when you sat across from a friend and felt truly understood. Deeply known. Maybe you sensed how she was bringing out your “best self”， your cleverest observations and wittiest jokes. She encouraged you. She listened， articulated1 one of your patterns， and then gently suggested how you might shift it for the better. The two of you gossiped about your mutual friends， skipped between shared memories， and delved into cherished subjects in a seamlessly scripted exchange full of shorthand and punctuated with knowing expressions.2 Perhaps you felt a warm swell of admiration for her， and a simultaneous sense of pride in your similarity to her. You felt deep satisfaction to be valued by someone you held in such high regard： happy， nourished and energized through it all.

But even our easiest and richest friendships can be laced with tensions and conflicts， as are most human relationships. They can lose a bit of their magic and fail to regain it， or even fade out altogether for tragic reasons， or no reason at all. Then there are the not-so-easy friendships； increasingly difficult friendships； and bad， gutwrenching3， toxic friendships. The pleasures and benefits of good friends are abundant， but they come with a price. Friendship， looked at through a clear and wide lens， is far messier and more lopsided4 than it is often portrayed.

The first cold splash on an idealised notion of friendship is the data showing that only about half of friendships are reciprocal5. This is shocking to people， since research confirms that we actually assume nearly all our friendships are reciprocal. Can you guess who on your list of friends wouldnt list you？

One explanation for imbalance is that many friendships are aspirational： a study of teens shows that people want to be friends with popular people， but those higher up the social hierarchy6 have their pick. A corroborating7 piece of evidence is the finding that your Facebook “friends” always have， on average， more “friends” than you do. So much for friendship being an oasis8 from our status-obsessed world.

“Ambivalent” relationships， in social science parlance，9 are characterised by interdependence and conflict. You have many positive and negative feelings toward these people. You might think twice about picking up when they call. These relationships turn out to be common， too. Close to half of ones important social network members are identified as ambivalent. Granted， more of those are family members than friends， but still， for friendship， its another push off the pedestal10.endprint

Friends who are loyal， reliable， interesting companions—good！—can also be bad for you， should they have other qualities that are less desirable. We know through social network research that depressed friends make it more likely youll be depressed， obese friends make it more likely youll become obese， and friends who smoke or drink a lot make it more likely youll smoke and drink more.

Other “good” friends might have， or start to have， goals， values or habits that misalign with your current or emerging ones. They certainly havent “done” anything to you. But they arent a group that validates11 who you are， or that will effortlessly lift you up toward your aims over time. Stay with them， and youll be walking against the wind.

In addition to annoying us， these mixed-bag12 friendships harm our health. A study shows that blood pressure was higher with ambivalent relationships than it was with friends or outright enemies. This is probably due to the unpredictability of these relationships. Ambivalent relationships have also been associated with increased cardiovascular13 reactivity， greater cellular ageing， lowered resistance to stress， and a decreased sense of wellbeing.

“Frenemies”14 are perhaps a separate variety in that they are neatly multi-layered—friendliness atop rivalry or dislike—as opposed to the ambivalent relationships admixture15 of love， hate， annoyance， pity， devotion and tenderness. Plenty of people have attested to the motivating force of a frenemy at work， as well as in the realms of romance and parenting.

As with unhappy families， there are countless ways a friend can be full-on “bad”， no ambivalence about it. A bad friend makes you feel competitive with her other friends； she talks much more about herself than you do about yourself； she criticises you in a self-righteous way but is defensive when you criticise her； she makes you feel youre walking on eggshells and might easily spark her anger or disapproval； she has you on an emotional rollercoaster where one day shes responsive and complimentary and the next she freezes you out.

Some of our most hurtful friendships start out good， but then became bad. As Diane de Poitiers， the 16th-century mistress of King Henry II of France， said： “To have a good enemy， choose a friend： he knows where to strike.”

When a friend breaks up with us， or disappears without explanation， it can be devastating. Even though the churning and pruning of social networks is common over time，16 we still somehow expect friendships to be forever. Friendship break-ups challenge our vision of who we are， especially if weve been intertwined with a friend for many years. Pulsing with hurt in the wake of a friend break-up， we hurl him or her into the “bad friends” basket.17endprint

But， sometimes， we have to drop a friend to become ourselves. In Connecting in College （2016）， the sociologist Janice McCabe argues that ending friendships in young adulthood is a way of advancing our identities. We construct our self-images and personalities against our friends， in both positive and negative ways.

As much as we need to take responsibility for being better friends and for our part in relationship conflict and break-ups， quite a few factors surrounding friendship are out of our control. Social network embeddedness18， where you and another person have many friends in common， for instance， is a big challenge. Lets say someone crosses a line， but you dont want to disturb the group， so you dont declare that you no longer think of him as a friend. You pull back from him， but not so much that it will spark a direct confrontation， whereby people would then be forced to invite only one of you， but not both， to events. Sometimes we are yoked19 to bad friends.

The forces that dictate whom we stay close to and whom we let go can be mysterious even to ourselves. Arent there people you like very much whom you havent contacted in a long time？ And others you dont connect with as well whom you see more often？ The former group might be pencilling you into their “bad friend” column right now.

Dealing with bad friends， getting dumped by them， and feeling disappointed with them is a stressful part of life， and it can harm your body and mind. Yet having no friends at all is a far worse fate. Imagine a childs desperation for a playmate， a teenagers deep longing for someone who “gets” her， or an adults realization that there is no one with whom he can share a failure or even a success. Loneliness is as painful as extreme thirst or hunger. John Cacioppo， a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago， has found associations between loneliness and depression， obesity， alcoholism， cardiovascular problems， sleep dysfunction， high blood pressure， the progression of Alzheimers disease20， cynical world views and suicidal thoughts. But if you have friend problems， you have friends—and that means youre pretty lucky.

設(shè)想一下和朋友相處的時(shí)光。她坐在你對(duì)面，你感覺她很懂你。你覺得知你者她也。或許你認(rèn)為是她讓你成為“最好的自己”。你最聰明的觀察視角和最睿智的笑話都是她在場(chǎng)時(shí)才能有。她鼓勵(lì)你，聽你訴說，分析你的思路，溫和地給你提建議，幫你向更好的方向調(diào)整。你們一起聊著熟人的八卦，重溫過往回憶，探討著喜愛的話題，交流起來如行云般流暢，言語間盡是縮略的表達(dá)，還夾雜著你們熟悉的暗語?；蛟S你胸中還涌起對(duì)她的贊賞之情，同時(shí)為自己與其有相似之處而感到一絲驕傲。你覺得很滿足，因?yàn)槟銓?duì)這個(gè)朋友如此看重，而她也將你視為珍貴的朋友。這樣的友情使你開心，給你滋養(yǎng)，讓你活力四射。endprint

然而，就像大多數(shù)社交關(guān)系一樣，即便是最輕松最深厚的友誼也會(huì)有緊張和沖突的時(shí)候。這時(shí)，友誼的魔力會(huì)部分消散，難再找回，有時(shí)甚至由于不幸的原因或毫無緣由地統(tǒng)統(tǒng)消逝。于是，曾經(jīng)美好的友誼就會(huì)退化成相處起來不輕松的友誼，日漸困難的友誼和壞的、給人添堵的“有毒的”友誼。好朋友帶給我們無盡的歡樂和益處，但這是有代價(jià)的。從一個(gè)清晰而全面的視角看，友誼要比平素人們所描述的更紛繁復(fù)雜，更不平衡。

給理想化的友情潑的第一盆冷水是數(shù)據(jù)顯示，僅有一半的友誼是雙向的。這一結(jié)論讓人震驚，因?yàn)檠芯勘砻魑覀円詾閹缀跛械挠颜x都是雙向的。你能猜到自己的朋友名單中，哪些人實(shí)際上并沒有把你當(dāng)朋友嗎？

對(duì)于這種失衡的一個(gè)解釋是很多人在建立友誼時(shí)是有所期待的：一項(xiàng)對(duì)青少年的研究表明，很多人喜歡和人氣高的人交朋友，但是那些在社交圈子中擁有更高地位的人在擇友時(shí)自有他們的考量。對(duì)于這項(xiàng)研究結(jié)果的一個(gè)確鑿的證據(jù)就是：一般來說，你在Facebook上的“朋友”所擁有的“朋友”數(shù)量都比你多。在如今這個(gè)勢(shì)利的社會(huì)，還指望把友誼當(dāng)做沙漠中的一片綠洲或許是要求太高了。

用社會(huì)科學(xué)的術(shù)語來說，“模棱兩可”關(guān)系的特征是互相依賴但又充滿矛盾。處在這種關(guān)系之中，你對(duì)另一方有很多正負(fù)交織的感情。當(dāng)他們打來電話時(shí)，你會(huì)遲疑一會(huì)兒才接聽。而這樣的關(guān)系也很普遍。一個(gè)人重要的社交關(guān)系中有一半的關(guān)系是模棱兩可的。就算這一半人中家庭成員占多數(shù)，這也會(huì)動(dòng)搖友誼的基礎(chǔ)。

那些忠誠(chéng)、可靠、有趣的伙伴固然很好，但也可能對(duì)你產(chǎn)生不良影響，如果這些人身上存在不太好的品質(zhì)的話。對(duì)社交網(wǎng)絡(luò)的研究表明，抑郁的朋友更有可能讓你也變抑郁，肥胖的朋友更有可能會(huì)讓你變胖，而抽煙嗜酒的朋友可能會(huì)讓你也變得更加依賴香煙和酒精。

其他“好”朋友可能有或開始有一些目標(biāo)、價(jià)值觀或習(xí)慣與你目前或剛開始出現(xiàn)的想法不一致。當(dāng)然，他們并沒有影響你。只是，他們不會(huì)加強(qiáng)你的自我認(rèn)知，助你輕松地朝你的目標(biāo)前進(jìn)。和這樣的朋友為伍，你會(huì)覺得是逆風(fēng)而行。

除了讓我們煩惱不已之外，這些矛盾的友情還會(huì)損害我們的健康。一項(xiàng)調(diào)查顯示，這種模棱兩可的關(guān)系會(huì)讓我們的血壓高于和朋友或明顯對(duì)手在一起的時(shí)候。這可能是由于這些關(guān)系的不可預(yù)測(cè)性。模棱兩可的關(guān)系可能會(huì)使心血管反應(yīng)增加，細(xì)胞老化加快，抗壓能力下降以及幸福指數(shù)降低。

“亦敵亦友”可能是社交關(guān)系中比較獨(dú)特的一種，因?yàn)樗鼘哟畏置鳎罕砻嫔鲜桥笥眩瑢?shí)際上卻相互競(jìng)爭(zhēng)，或一方對(duì)另一方心存不悅。這與模棱兩可的關(guān)系不同，后者是愛恨、惱怒、同情、忠誠(chéng)以及親切交織在一起的。事實(shí)證明，很多人已經(jīng)感受到了在工作、戀愛以及親情中“亦敵亦友”關(guān)系的激勵(lì)作用了。

與不幸的家庭一樣，朋友也能從很多方面對(duì)我們產(chǎn)生不良影響，毫不含糊。壞朋友能讓你感覺自己在與她的其他朋友競(jìng)爭(zhēng)；一起聊天時(shí)，她總是談?wù)撟约海^你談?wù)撟约?；她自以為是地批評(píng)你，但是當(dāng)你批評(píng)她的時(shí)候，她總是為自己辯白；她讓你覺得如履薄冰，一不小心就會(huì)惹她生氣或被她反駁；和她相處就像坐在感情的過山車上，前一天還言談甚歡、贊賞有加，第二天就對(duì)你冷若冰霜。

一些最傷人的友情在開始的時(shí)候很美妙，后來卻慢慢變質(zhì)了。16世紀(jì)法國(guó)國(guó)王亨利二世的情婦黛安·德·波迪耶曾經(jīng)說過：“朋友可能成為你最好的敵人，因?yàn)樗麄冎滥愕能浝??！?/p>

當(dāng)一個(gè)朋友和我們絕交或者招呼都不打就莫名其妙消失時(shí)，我們會(huì)備受打擊。盡管社交圈人脈關(guān)系的變化淘汰很常見，但我們?nèi)匀黄诖颜x能地久天長(zhǎng)。和好朋友決裂，尤其是和交往多年的老友決裂，會(huì)讓我們對(duì)自己產(chǎn)生質(zhì)疑。一段友誼的破裂給我們?cè)斐傻木薮髠Γ偈刮覀儗⑦@個(gè)朋友拽入“壞朋友”籃中。

但是有時(shí)候，我們必須終結(jié)一段友誼才能做自己。在《大學(xué)社交》（2016）一書中，社會(huì)學(xué)家珍妮絲·麥凱布認(rèn)為在青年時(shí)期終止某些友誼是促進(jìn)自我身份認(rèn)同的一個(gè)途徑。通過積極和消極兩種方式，我們?cè)谂c朋友的對(duì)抗中逐漸建立起對(duì)自己的認(rèn)識(shí)，形成自己的個(gè)性。

我們應(yīng)該努力做一個(gè)對(duì)他人來說更好的朋友，也應(yīng)該在友誼面臨沖突和破裂時(shí)有所擔(dān)當(dāng)。即便如此，友誼中還是有很多因素是我們所不能控制的。社交網(wǎng)絡(luò)具有嵌入性，你和其他人可能有很多共同的好友。這就是一個(gè)大的挑戰(zhàn)。比如說一個(gè)朋友做了出格的事情，而你不想人人皆知，因此你沒有公開宣布已經(jīng)和這個(gè)朋友斷絕關(guān)系了。你和這人保持距離，但并不是與其產(chǎn)生正面沖突。這樣，其他好友以后在活動(dòng)邀請(qǐng)時(shí)就不會(huì)被迫面臨只能在你們二者之中選一的處境。有時(shí)候，我們會(huì)被壞朋友套牢。

即便對(duì)我們自己而言，我們也不清楚是何種力量讓我們和一些人親近，而和另外一些人漸行漸遠(yuǎn)。有些你很喜歡的人不是也好久不聯(lián)系了嗎？而那些相處不怎么融洽的人，你們卻常常見面？或許前者正在把你劃入他們的“壞朋友”欄呢。

和壞朋友交往，被壞朋友甩掉，對(duì)他們失望透頂都讓人感到壓力。而這種壓力會(huì)損害你的身體和精神健康。然而，一個(gè)朋友都沒有則比這個(gè)更糟糕。想象一下，孩子渴望有玩伴，少女憧憬著真正“懂”她的人，成年人則意識(shí)到自己不能與任何人分享自己的失敗甚至成功。孤獨(dú)就像極度饑渴一樣痛苦。芝加哥大學(xué)社會(huì)學(xué)教授約翰·卡喬波發(fā)現(xiàn)，孤獨(dú)與抑郁、肥胖、嗜酒、心血管疾病、睡眠功能紊亂、高血壓、阿爾茨海默癥、憤世嫉俗的世界觀以及自殺念頭都有關(guān)系。不過，如果你還面臨著友情上的問題，那么說明你有朋友——從這個(gè)角度看，你已經(jīng)足夠幸運(yùn)啦。

1. articulate： 清楚地表達(dá)。

2. delve into： 探索；seamlessly： 無縫地，無空隙地；shorthand：（對(duì)某事）簡(jiǎn)略的表達(dá)方式；punctuate with （sth.）： 不時(shí)打斷，強(qiáng)調(diào)。

3. gut-wrenching： 令人極度痛苦的。

4. lopsided： 不平等的，兩側(cè)不勻稱的。

5. reciprocal： 互惠的，對(duì)等的。endprint

6. hierarchy： // 等級(jí)制度。

7. corroborating： 確定的，得到證實(shí)的。

8. oasis： （沙漠中的）綠洲。

9. ambivalent： 矛盾的，模棱兩可的； parlance： 用語，術(shù)語。

10. pedestal：（柱子或雕塑等的）底座，基座。

11. validate： 確認(rèn)，證實(shí)。

12. mixed-bag： 混合體，雜燴。

13. cardiovascular： //心血管的。

14. frenemy： 亦敵亦友，友敵，指盡管不喜歡，但表面上仍表現(xiàn)得很友好的一種關(guān)系。

15. admixture： 混合，混合物。

16. churn： 攪動(dòng)，攪拌；prune： 精簡(jiǎn)，刪去。

17. pulse with： 充滿；in the wake of：隨……而來，作為……的結(jié)果；hurl： 猛投。

18. embeddedness： 嵌入性。

19. yoke： 使結(jié)合。

20. Alzheimers disease： 阿爾茨海默癥，即老年癡呆癥。

閱讀感評(píng)

∷秋葉 評(píng)

友誼，是一個(gè)令人感興趣的永恒話題。然而，我們一般都是憑經(jīng)驗(yàn)、靠直覺、想當(dāng)然地去談?wù)撍淖髡哌€用了認(rèn)知研究（cognitive-based research）與數(shù)據(jù)分析的成果來科學(xué)地審視友誼的方方面面，可謂是給老話題注入了新思維與新內(nèi)容。

本文以“Bad Friends”為題，顯然談?wù)摰闹饕怯颜x的“負(fù)面清單”。原文指出，“大約僅有一半的友情是相互的”，也就是說，另一半純屬“一頭熱”或“單相思”。 作者對(duì)此現(xiàn)象的解釋是，許多“友誼”屬于“有所期待”

（aspirational），若說這種友誼不考慮彼此的社會(huì)地位，顯然不現(xiàn)實(shí)。作者還把某種友誼稱作“模棱兩可的關(guān)系”（ambivalent relationship）——既相互依存又有沖突，既愛又恨，既厭煩又有溫情與熱心。她認(rèn)為社交網(wǎng)絡(luò)里大約一半的朋友屬于此類型。作者甚至說，這種關(guān)系（相較于朋友或明顯對(duì)手的關(guān)系）因其不可預(yù)測(cè)性將會(huì)損害我們的健康——血壓升高，心血管反應(yīng)增加，細(xì)胞老化加快，抗壓能力下降以及幸福指數(shù)降低。作者認(rèn)定朋友的影響無處不在，而且會(huì)從情感、心理到身體各個(gè)層面全面侵入。作者還指出，結(jié)交有憂郁癥、肥胖癥的朋友，你也很可能罹患憂郁癥、肥胖癥；結(jié)交煙鬼、酒鬼朋友，你也很可能會(huì)抽更多的煙，喝更多的酒。這類似于我們常說的“近朱者赤，近墨者黑”。因此，即便是摯友常伴左右，也不能保證你能享受友誼的瓊漿；如果他們有以上問題與惡習(xí)，那你有意無意中喝下的很可能是毒藥！

關(guān)于與曾經(jīng)的朋友分道揚(yáng)鑣的問題，作者設(shè)置了多種場(chǎng)景并予以描繪與分析。在她看來，這個(gè)“無言的結(jié)局”大致由以下幾種情況導(dǎo)致：一是屬于人生目標(biāo)、價(jià)值與習(xí)慣不一致或變得不一致（類似于現(xiàn)在常說的“三觀不合”），即所謂“道不同不相為謀”；二是屬于為“做自己（become ourselves）”而舍棄朋友。作者在此借用了社會(huì)學(xué)的觀點(diǎn)：在青年時(shí)期終結(jié)友情是促進(jìn)身份認(rèn)同（advance identities）的一種途徑。西方人一貫認(rèn)為“自我”與“他者”既互為“鏡像”又彼此對(duì)立，因此我們是以朋友為反射面來建構(gòu)自我形象與性格的。似乎過河要拆橋，像成亦須棄鏡！三是屬于“無來由”的關(guān)系終結(jié)或互不聯(lián)系，尤其是在這個(gè)社交網(wǎng)絡(luò)發(fā)達(dá)的時(shí)代，常要對(duì)朋友圈進(jìn)行刪削精簡(jiǎn)，實(shí)屬正常，不足為意，也不必深究。作者歷數(shù)上述有關(guān)與友誼相伴隨的煩惱后，得出了以下結(jié)論：盡管友誼衍生出的種種負(fù)面影響往往讓人心力交瘁，但比起缺乏朋友的孤獨(dú)者來，那畢竟是“幸福的煩惱”，因?yàn)楣陋?dú)不僅給人生帶來痛苦，還是嚴(yán)重影響身心健康的一針毒劑！

平心而論，上述觀點(diǎn)有的屬于舊話新說甚至老生常談，但有的卻顛覆了我們傳統(tǒng)的看法，激發(fā)我們的思考。例如，我們常說家庭最重要，要以家庭為先，尤其是女性，一旦組建家庭，往往以相夫教子為重，疏遠(yuǎn)了朋友。這篇文章較有說服力地告訴我們，友情對(duì)于人生的影響，在某些時(shí)期，往往要超過親情與男女之情。近些年來，我們?cè)趶?qiáng)調(diào)“智商”的同時(shí)，也很看重“情商”，但我們似乎有個(gè)誤區(qū)，常把處世圓滑甚至善于拉關(guān)系等同于情商高。本文告訴我們，友誼是引導(dǎo)人們走向成功人生的必要條件，是一種強(qiáng)勁的同齡人催化劑（peers catalyst），于是與人交往、交友的能力以及塑造一種友善的性情（trait of friendliness）才是考察情商高低的重要內(nèi)容。然而，朋友帶來的并非總是溫情與幫助，它的影響從少年到成年一以貫之，無處不在，有時(shí)會(huì)以“負(fù)能量”去侵蝕你。于是，如何理性面對(duì)并當(dāng)機(jī)立斷就至關(guān)重要。雖然作者提出的“該斷就斷”的辦法與傳統(tǒng)上對(duì)于友誼“萬古長(zhǎng)青”的向往相左，并顯得有些“世故”，有點(diǎn)殘忍，但從個(gè)體的利益考慮，那實(shí)屬不得已而為之。最后，本文峰回路轉(zhuǎn)，指出即便是“壞朋友”（作者在正文中用了toxic friend這個(gè)詞，即“有毒性的朋友”，顯然比bad friend更能概括本文主旨）也比孤獨(dú)（loneliness）要強(qiáng)很多，這與我們平常認(rèn)為孤獨(dú)必然伴隨著成長(zhǎng)經(jīng)歷，甚至有時(shí)還可以“享受”孤獨(dú)的認(rèn)識(shí)不同?？傊?，本文可謂是從“友誼批評(píng)”開始，以勸導(dǎo)交友作結(jié)——當(dāng)然，最好是結(jié)交那些能讓你飛向新高度的朋友！endprint