文/譚樂(lè) 譯/袁朝云 王靜雅 審訂/馨心

我 的 移 民 故 事

文/譚樂(lè) 譯/袁朝云 王靜雅 審訂/馨心

Technologist Tan Le1譚樂(lè)，愛默提公司（Emotiv Systems，美國(guó)加州舊金山的一家神經(jīng)科技公司）的聯(lián)合創(chuàng)始人。2011年她在TED女性峰會(huì)（TEDxWomen）上發(fā)表演講，講述她幼時(shí)和母親、外婆和妹妹從越南偷渡到澳大利亞建立新生活的故事。本文是這篇演講的英文實(shí)錄。tells a very personal story: the story of her family—mother, grandmother and sister—fleeing Vietnam and building a new life.

How can I speak in 10 minutes about the bonds of women over three generations, about how the astonishing strength of those bonds took hold in the life of a four-year-old girl huddled2huddle（通常因寒冷或害怕）擠在一起。with her young sister, her mother and her grandmother for fi ve days and nights in a small boat in the South China Sea more than 30 years ago. Bonds that took hold in the life of that small girl and never let go—that small girl now living in San Francisco and speaking to you today. This is not a fi nished story. It is a jigsaw33 jigsaw拼圖游戲。puzzle still being put together. Let me tell you about some of the pieces.

[2] The fi rst piece of the jigsaw is of a boat in the early dawn slipping silently out to sea. My mother, Mai, was 18 when her father died—already in an arranged marriage, already with two small girls. For her, life had distilled4distill提取……的精華。itself into one task: the escape of her family and a new life in Australia. It was inconceivable5inconceivable不能想象的；不可思議的。to her that she would not succeed. So after a four-year saga66 saga（講述許多年間發(fā)生的事情的）長(zhǎng)篇故事；一連串的事件（或經(jīng)歷）。that defies7defy向……挑戰(zhàn),向……叫陣。fiction, a boat slipped out to sea disguised as a fi shing vessel. All the adults knew the risks. The greatest fear was of pirates, rape and death. Like most adults on the boat, my mother carried a small bottle of poison. If we were captured, fi rst my sister and I, then she and my grandmother would drink.

[3] My first memories are from the boat—the steady beat of the engine, the bow dipping88 dip（突然的）下沉。into each wave, the vast and empty horizon. I don’t remember the pirates who came many times, but were bluffed9bluff（虛張聲勢(shì)地）恐嚇，嚇唬。by the bravado10bravado故作勇敢；虛張聲勢(shì)。of the men on our boat, or the engine dying and failing to start for six hours. But I do remember the lights on the oil rig11oil rig石油鉆塔。off the Malaysian coast and the young man who collapsed122 collapse（尤指因病重而）倒下。and died, the journey’s end too much for him, and the first apple I tasted, given to me by the men on the rig. No apple has ever tasted the same.

[4] After three months in a refugee camp, we landed in Melbourne. And the next piece of the jigsaw is about four women across three generations shaping a new life together. We settled in Footscray, a working-class suburb whose demographic is layers of immigrants. Unlike the settled13settled穩(wěn)定的；安定的。middleclass suburbs, whose existence I was oblivious14oblivious不注意的；不知道的。of, there was no sense of entitlement15sense of entitlement特權(quán)感；特權(quán)意識(shí)。in Footscray. The smells from shop doors were from the rest of the world. And the snippets16snippet（消息、知識(shí)等的）片斷；小部分。of halting English were exchanged between people who had one thing in common: They were starting again.

[5] My mother worked on farms, then on a car assembly line17assembly line流水作業(yè)線。, working six days, double shifts. Somehow, she found time to study English and gain IT qualifications. We were poor. All the dollars were allocated18allocate分配。and extra tuition in English and mathematics was budgeted for regardless of what missed out, which was usually new clothes; they were always secondhand. Two pairs of stockings for school, each to hide the holes in the other. A school uniform down to the ankles, because it had to last for six years. And there were rare but searing19searing（話語(yǔ)、文字）尖刻的。chants20chant重復(fù)的話語(yǔ)。of “slit-eye”21歐美人對(duì)東亞人的蔑稱。slit長(zhǎng)而窄的口子；狹縫。and the occasional graffiti22graffiti涂鴉。: “Asian, go home.” Go home to where? Something stiffened inside me. There was a gathering of resolve and a quiet voice saying, “I will bypass23bypass撇在一邊；看成無(wú)足輕重。you.”

[6] My mother, my sister and I slept in the same bed. My mother was exhausted each night, but we told one another about our day and listened to the movements of my grandmother around the house. My mother suffered from nightmares, all about the boat. And my job was to stay awake until her nightmares came so I could wake her. She opened a computer store, then studied to be a beautician and opened another business.

[7] I lived in parallel worlds. In one, I was the classic Asian student, relentless24relentless不停的；不懈的。in the demands that I made on myself. In the other, I was enmeshed25enmeshed陷入的；被纏住的。in lives that were precarious26precarious（生活等）不安定的。, tragically scarred27scar給……留下精神創(chuàng)傷。by violence, drug abuse and isolation. But when I was a final-year law student, I was chosen as the Young Australian of the Year. And I was catapulted28catapult使突然上升；使一躍而成為。from one piece of the jigsaw to another, and their edges didn’t fi t.

[8] I didn’t know the protocols29protocol禮節(jié)。. I didn’t know how to use the cutlery30cutlery餐具（刀、叉和湯匙）。. I didn’t know how to talk about wine. I didn’t know how to talk about anything. I wanted to retreat to the routines and comfort of life in an unsung31unsung被埋沒(méi)的；未被頌揚(yáng)的。suburb—a grandmother,a mother and two daughters ending each day as they had for almost 20 years, telling one another the story of their day and falling asleep, the three of us still in the same bed. I told my mother I couldn’t do it. She reminded me that I was now the same age she had been when we boarded the boat. “No”had never been an option. “Just do it,”she said, “and don’t be what you’re not.”

[9] So I spoke out on youth unemployment and education and the neglect of the marginalized32marginalize使顯得微不足道；使處于邊緣。and disenfranchised33disenfranchise剝奪（某人）的權(quán)利（尤指選舉權(quán)）。. I met people from all walks of life, so many of them doing the thing they loved, living on the frontiers of possibility. There had to be another piece of the jigsaw.And I realized that it is OK to be an outsider, a recent arrival, new on the scene—and not just OK, but something to be thankful for, perhaps a gift from the boat. Because being an insider can so easily mean collapsing the horizons, can so easily mean accepting the presumptions34presumption假定；認(rèn)為真實(shí)的事。of your province35province（學(xué)識(shí)或活動(dòng)的）領(lǐng)域；（興趣或職責(zé)的）范圍。. I have stepped outside my comfort zone enough now to know that, yes, the world does fall apart, but not in the way that you fear.

[10] Now I would like to have my own children, and I wonder about the boat. Who could ever wish it on their own? Yet I am afraid of privilege, of ease, of entitlement. Can I give them a bow in their lives, dipping bravely into each wave, the unperturbed36unperturbed未受干擾的；平靜的。and steady beat of the engine, the vast horizon that guarantees nothing? I don’t know. But if I could give it and still see them safely through, I would. ■

技術(shù)專家譚樂(lè)向我們講述了自己的家事：一個(gè)關(guān)于自己和母親、外婆、妹妹逃離越南、開創(chuàng)新生活的故事。

血脈相連的三代女性的故事，十分鐘哪里講得完；30多年前，中國(guó)南海海面上，正是血脈相連的驚人力量，讓一個(gè)4歲的小女孩與妹妹、母親和外婆緊緊相依，熬過(guò)五天五夜的漂泊。血脈根植在小女孩的生命中，永遠(yuǎn)無(wú)法擺脫——這個(gè)女孩如今生活在舊金山，現(xiàn)在正給諸位講故事。故事遠(yuǎn)未結(jié)束，就像一幅仍在拼接的拼圖。就讓我來(lái)講講其中的幾塊拼板吧。

[2]第一塊拼圖，是黎明時(shí)分悄然滑向大海的一條小船。母親梅18歲喪父，那時(shí)她已在一場(chǎng)包辦婚姻中生下了兩個(gè)女兒，孩子都還很小。對(duì)于當(dāng)時(shí)的她來(lái)說(shuō)，生活的唯一目標(biāo)就是帶家人逃離，到澳大利亞開始新生活。母親堅(jiān)信自己能夠成功。于是，在長(zhǎng)達(dá)四年比小說(shuō)還波折的傳奇經(jīng)歷之后，我們坐上一條偽裝成漁船的小船，滑向了大海。大人們都知道危險(xiǎn)重重，最令人恐懼的是遭遇海盜、強(qiáng)奸和死亡。母親和船上大部分成年人一樣，上船時(shí)帶了一小瓶毒藥。如果我們被抓住，妹妹、我、母親和外婆會(huì)依次服毒自盡。

[3]我最初的記憶源自那條小船：平穩(wěn)而有節(jié)奏的發(fā)動(dòng)機(jī)聲，隨波破浪的船頭，遼闊寬廣的地平線。對(duì)于來(lái)了很多次的海盜我記不清了，但是船上男人們的虛張聲勢(shì)、發(fā)動(dòng)機(jī)熄火后六個(gè)小時(shí)都無(wú)法啟動(dòng)倒是把我嚇了一跳。我清楚地記得馬來(lái)西亞海岸石油鉆塔發(fā)出的亮光，記得一個(gè)年輕小伙挨不到旅程結(jié)束便病重而死。我還清楚記得人生中嘗到的第一個(gè)蘋果就是鉆塔上的人給的，此后我再也沒(méi)有吃過(guò)那樣美味的蘋果了。

[4]在難民營(yíng)待了三個(gè)月后，我們?cè)谀珷柋镜前?。接下?lái)的一塊拼圖就是三代四女共同開創(chuàng)新生活的故事了。我們定居在富茨克雷，這是以工薪階層為主的郊區(qū)，根據(jù)人口統(tǒng)計(jì)，這里的居民主要是不同層次的移民。不像那些以中產(chǎn)階級(jí)為主的郊區(qū)（當(dāng)時(shí)我不知道還有那樣的地方），在富茨克雷沒(méi)有特權(quán)意識(shí)，就連從商店門口飄出的味道都仿佛來(lái)自另一個(gè)世界。人們用有限的英文詞匯磕磕巴巴地交流，這些人共同的一點(diǎn)是：都將從頭再來(lái)。

[5]起初，母親在農(nóng)場(chǎng)干活，后來(lái)去了汽車組裝線，每周工作六天，雙班倒。但她竟然還擠出時(shí)間學(xué)英語(yǔ)并取得了IT資格證。那時(shí)家里很窮，所有的錢都有它們的用處，而且家里不管缺什么都要留出補(bǔ)習(xí)英語(yǔ)和數(shù)學(xué)的額外費(fèi)用，當(dāng)然缺的通常是新衣服，我們總是穿舊衣服。我們上學(xué)時(shí)要穿兩雙襪子，為的是用一雙襪子遮住另一雙上的洞；校服長(zhǎng)得蓋過(guò)腳踝，因?yàn)榈么┝?。雖不常見，但也會(huì)聽到有人刻薄地不斷叫著 “瞇縫眼”。偶爾我也會(huì)看到墻上的涂鴉：“亞洲人，回自己家去吧！”可家在哪兒呢？我內(nèi)心的某種東西變得堅(jiān)硬起來(lái)，我堅(jiān)定了決心，內(nèi)心響起一個(gè)平靜的聲音：“我會(huì)無(wú)視你?！?/p>

[6]我和母親、妹妹睡在一張床上。每晚母親都拖著疲憊的身子回家，但我們還是會(huì)聊聊一天發(fā)生的事情，聽聽外婆在家里走來(lái)走去的聲音。母親一直被噩夢(mèng)困擾著，都是關(guān)于那條小船的。我的職責(zé)就是不要睡著，在她做噩夢(mèng)的時(shí)候叫醒她。母親開了一家電腦商店，后來(lái)又學(xué)習(xí)美容，另開了一家美容院。

[7]我活在兩個(gè)平行的世界里：一方面，我是典型的亞洲學(xué)生，時(shí)刻嚴(yán)格要求自己；另一方面，我生活在一個(gè)危險(xiǎn)的世界，這里的人處境悲慘，暴力沖突、濫用毒品和種族隔離給他們留下了深深的創(chuàng)傷。不過(guò)在我從法學(xué)系畢業(yè)的那年，我當(dāng)選為“澳大利亞年度杰出青年”。就這樣，我的人生拼圖從一塊陡變?yōu)榱硪粔K，而我并不適應(yīng)這樣的轉(zhuǎn)變。

[8]我不懂禮儀，不會(huì)用刀叉，不懂得如何與人談?wù)撈咸丫?，不知該如何談?wù)撊魏问虑?。我很想回到從前在無(wú)名市郊舒適的日常生活——近20年來(lái)，外婆、母親和我們姐妹兩個(gè)每天都是這樣結(jié)束一天的生活：還是母女三人同睡一張床，互相說(shuō)說(shuō)一天中發(fā)生的事，漸入夢(mèng)鄉(xiāng)。我告訴母親，自己無(wú)法適應(yīng)新的生活。母親告訴我，當(dāng)年我們乘船出來(lái)時(shí)，她正好是我這么大。退縮永遠(yuǎn)不是一種選擇?！按竽憞L試?！蹦赣H對(duì)我說(shuō)，“做好自己?！?/p>

[9]從此，針對(duì)青年人失業(yè)和教育問(wèn)題、邊緣群體和被剝奪權(quán)利群體不受重視的問(wèn)題，我開始公開發(fā)聲。我遇到了各行各業(yè)的人們，很多人都在做著自己喜歡的事情，探索著各種可能。這里還有另外一塊拼圖，那就是我意識(shí)到身為一個(gè)外來(lái)者，一個(gè)新成員，感覺也不錯(cuò)，豈只是不錯(cuò)，我還應(yīng)該感謝這種身份?；蛟S這就是小船帶給我的禮物吧。因?yàn)樯頌榫謨?nèi)人意味著眼界容易受限，也很容易自以為是。而我已經(jīng)跳離了那個(gè)舒適區(qū)。是的，我知道世界的確會(huì)崩潰，但并非是以你所恐懼的那種方式。

[10]現(xiàn)在我想有自己的小孩，我還想著那條船。誰(shuí)愿意獨(dú)自面對(duì)驚濤駭浪？然而我害怕特權(quán)，害怕安逸和權(quán)利。我能給他們的一條破浪前行的小船嗎？伴隨著發(fā)動(dòng)機(jī)平穩(wěn)地運(yùn)轉(zhuǎn)，前面是廣袤未知的地平線，可是這些我能給予他們嗎？我不知道。但如果我有能力給予并能看到他們安全駛過(guò)，我想我會(huì)的。 □

My Immigration Story

ByTan Le

（譯者單位：天津師范大學(xué)）