By Wu Zhihong&Li dan

Where Has the“Chinese Grandpa”Gone ?

By Wu Zhihong&Li dan

C ompared with the more high profile Chinese“granny,”1the Chinese“grandpa”taken as a group seems to shy away from the spotlight,preferring to keep a low profile.Where have they gone?Why have they been overlooked?

When the Chinese man is a young tyke,he is doted on by the family.When he reaches middle age,he is the object of his mother and wife’s affections.But in retirement,he is altogether neglected. Chinese men frequently try to escape the terrible pressure of family life,and many of them haven’t yet figured out how to be a tolerant leader of the household,which may be the reason why in China there is a lack of such a“male role model.”Chinese men constantly withdraw from family life,and in later years, are seemingly nonexistent.

Men tend to take pride in their social achievements.If they have their own career and are able to prove themselves through work, they will choose to spend more time outside of their family.When they grow old,they become less interested in the community and at the same time less passionate about their family.The life they lead after retirement is rather monotonous, and the activities they may take on are limited to merely reading the newspaper,playing on the computer or mobile phone,or playing the stock market.After retirement, many develop an interest in photography or raising birds.Take Colonel Aureliano Buendia in the bookOne Hundred Years of Solitudefor example,he took to raising little goldfish in his golden years.

Chinese“grandpas”are not a weak or an insignificant group. They just flee from public attention in most cases.Although in Chinese society,men are considered to be superior to women,Chinese men,if described in philosophical terms, have always been in the position of“the other.”Within the typical Chinese family there is a curious hierarchy,that of an anxious mother,a problem child,and a slighted father. The mother is the receptacle of emotion in the family,and the father is the strength to expand outward into the world.When the mother is anxious,she desires to vent her emotions,looking for things to blame.I once read a book by an American writer,in which there were also many families like this—a gentle father and a hysterical mother,whose children might find their mother annoying,but after their mother had passed away,they were amazed to find out that their bond with their gentle father was rather weak.

No matter if it is for men or for women,knowing how to express emotions is fairly important,but this does not mean your partner should be responsible for your emotions. Things will be different if women are no longer willful in the expression of their emotions and men can express their true feelings in family life.Moreover,things will be totally different if men can not only express their emotion sincerely,but also express love actively.

It reminds me of the families of Brad Pitt and David Beckham.As long as their families show up in public,the fathers in these two families are always the center of their children’s lives.We can imagine in families like these,the fathers will definitely not withdraw from family life even when they grow old.But what makes this possible is that the father shows his affections towards the children consistently.It would be very simple-minded for a man to think he earns himself a higher status in the family simply because he is the breadwinner.In family life, love and familial bonds are the key determining factors,without which, you may still be an absentee father who is considered to be nothing but a sperm donor,even if you make a great sum of money.And it is hardly surprising that the current absence would make you feel neglected when you are old.

In current society,“grannies”would gain a sense of belonging and identity by participating in various activities,such as square dancing,2through which they gather together to expand their social circles.However,the social circles of“grandpas”keep on dwindling,and“grandpas”themselves are also sliding into obscurity in society. Some Chinese men pursue being“solitary like a saint,”which sounds rather poetic except for the fact that such kind of existence is unbearably lonely.

Despite a man’s personal success or other people’s remarks about him,the love and care he devotes to his family may be far from enough. Although Chinese culture has been sugarcoating this fact,many Chinese grandpas ultimately go unnoticed later in life.

(FromOriental Morning Post.Translation:Zhu Yaguang.)

Note:

1.“Grannies”in the text refers to ladies who are around their fifties or older,and are usually retired.“Grandpas”refers to men of the same age.

2.Square dancing:A large group of retired ladies dancing to loud music in city squares,common in modern China.