I always wanted to go to college， but didn&apos；t think I was "good enough". My high school years were rocky1）. I was asked to leave my first school—a private Catholic school—at the end of freshman year. I&apos；d been hanging out with troublemakers， and my passing grades weren&apos；t high enough to be "Catholic-school acceptable".

At my second school， I also had a lot of friends， which led to easy distraction and bad grades. School wasn&apos；t important to me； I just wanted to go out and chill2）. I was falling behind， but I couldn&apos；t see how it would affect my future options.

I didn&apos；t get a lot of strong guidance from my parents. My mother hadn&apos；t attended college herself， and I knew she wanted me to go. But she never stressed it or really pushed me to get my work done.

我一直想上大學，但又覺得自己“不夠優(yōu)秀”。我高中那幾年過得磕磕絆絆的。我上的第一所高中是一所天主教私立學校，在高一學年末我被要求退學，因為我整天和一幫搗蛋鬼混在一起，雖然考試成績及格了，但不足以達到為“天主教學校所接受的標準”。

在第二所高中，我又交到了很多朋友，這導致我容易分心、成績差。學業(yè)對我來說不重要，我只想出去放松一下。我慢慢落在了后面，但當時我看不出這會怎樣影響我未來的選擇。

我的父母沒有給過我很多有力的引導。我媽媽自己就沒上過大學，我知道她希望我上大學。但她從來不強調(diào)這一點，也從來不真的督促我完成作業(yè)。

During senior year， I wanted to turn back the hands of time. It started with parent-teacher conferences， where all of my teachers talked about how smart I was and how they wished I would put more effort into my school work. Afterwards， my parents wanted to discuss my future.

My father wanted me to become a cop. His main focus was me being able to retire after 20 years on the force. But I knew for sure I was not interested in law enforcement3）. My mother doubted that I would take college seriously and change my lazy ways. She was afraid I would go and end up partying4）.

Meanwhile， ever since I was small， my grandmother had told me， "I just want you to go to college and be someone in life." I didn&apos；t want to disappoint her or anyone else in my family by not living up to my potential. But I felt unsure of what I wanted.

The truth is， I did have goals. I&apos；ve always wanted either to become an astronomer or to become a news reporter or meteorologist5） （all of which require college）. I&apos；ve never been shy and I can talk to people about anything， which is essential in journalism. And I have always had a love for the stars and the planets. If I didn&apos；t go to college， what would I do？ These dreams would be out of reach.

But I never really spoke to anyone about my goals； I just figured I would deal with them when the time came. Now the time had come， and I had no clue what to do.

高中畢業(yè)那年，我希望時間倒流。事情的起因是家長會，會上所有的老師都說我有多聰明、他們有多希望我能把更多的精力放到學業(yè)上。事后，我父母就想討論一下我的未來。

爸爸希望我成為一名警察。他主要關注的是我能在加入警隊20年后享受退休待遇。但我清清楚楚地知道我對執(zhí)法行業(yè)并不感興趣。媽媽不相信我會認真對待上大學這件事并改掉我的懶惰習氣。她擔心我上大學會以吃喝玩樂而告終。

同時，從小奶奶就告訴我：“我唯一的希望就是你能上大學，出人頭地?！蔽也幌肜⒂谧约旱臐摿?，讓她或家里任何人失望。但我不確定自己想要什么。

實際上，我是有目標的。我一直想成為一名宇航員或新聞記者或氣象學家（所有這些都需要大學教育）。我從不害羞，能和別人聊任何話題，這對從事新聞工作是必要的。我也一直對恒星和行星抱有熱情。如果我不上大學，我該怎么辦？這些夢想將遙不可及。

但我從未真正和任何人談起過我的目標。我只覺得時間一到我自然就能應付?，F(xiàn)在時間已到，我卻毫無頭緒，不知該做什么。

As college application deadlines drew closer， I started doing some serious thinking. I knew that college was something I wanted to experience. Most of my friends were planning on going away for college； knowing they were doing what I wanted to do made me feel disappointed and ashamed. I knew my grades and lack of motivation were in danger of holding me back.

It was late to act， but better late than never. So when I got the opportunity to visit Herkimer Community College in upstate New York， I took it as a chance to get a feel for college life and help my decision-making process. I spent three days there and stayed with my cousin， who lived with four other girls in housing off campus.

While they did homework， they told me all about life in college. They had complete freedom， coming and going as they pleased. They would stay up late at night and still get up and go to class. They had a lot of work， but it was nothing they couldn&apos；t handle.

I realized that college would give me a feeling of being on my own. But I knew I wasn&apos；t completely ready for independence. I have never been away from my family and friends for a long period， so the idea was nerve-racking6） and exciting at the same time.

隨著大學申請的截止日期越來越近，我開始做一些認真的思考。我知道大學是我想要去體驗的東西。我大部分的朋友都在計劃離家去上大學，知道他們正在做我想要做的事情讓我感到又沮喪又羞愧。我知道我的成績和動力不足都有拖我后腿的危險。

現(xiàn)在開始行動是晚了，但晚做總比不做好。因此，當我有機會參觀紐約州北部的赫爾基摩社區(qū)學院時，我認為這是一個讓我親身感受大學生活的好機會，而且對我做決定也有幫助。我在那里待了三天，和我表姐住在一起，她和另外四個女孩一起住在校外。

她們一邊做作業(yè)，一邊給我講述大學生活的方方面面。她們有充分的自由，可以想來就來、想走就走。她們也會熬夜到很晚，第二天照常起床去上課。她們作業(yè)很多，但都能應付。

我認識到，大學將給我一種“自力更生”的感覺。但我也知道，我并沒有完全做好自立的準備。我從未離開家人和朋友很長時間，所以這個想法讓我既緊張又興奮。

The trip got me thinking more realistically about my options. Although I preferred to go away for college， because of my grades I realized that I needed a Plan B. I could live at home and attend a two-year community college in the city， and then transfer to a four-year school after raising my GPA. Another option was to take a break after high school and find a job， saving up enough money to support myself through school.

I was confused and wished I had more time. It was now November and deadlines were approaching. College applications needed to be done， I still needed to apply for financial aid， and I hadn&apos；t taken the SATs yet.

I realized that wishing I had done better in the past was keeping me from pursuing the future. I feared my bad habits would repeat themselves and I would get caught up—not doing my work， getting easily distracted and not succeeding. I was stuck， and now I see that it was mostly about me doubting myself. I knew I could do better than failing grades and tardiness， but I was almost ready to give up without trying.

In the end， I decided to go to a community college in the city for a year， improve my grades and transfer. While I&apos；m going to community college I will mentally prepare to move out. I plan on finding a part-time job. This way I can get a feel of both college life and work before I leave home.

此趟大學之行讓我對如何選擇進行了更加現(xiàn)實的思考。雖然我更傾向于離家上大學，但因為我的成績不夠理想，我意識到自己需要一個備用計劃。我可以先住在家里，在本市上一所兩年制社區(qū)學院，提高我的在校平均分數(shù)后再轉學到一所四年制學校。我的另一個選擇是高中畢業(yè)后先休學，找一份工作，攢夠供自己上學的錢。

我非常迷茫，希望自己能有更多的時間?，F(xiàn)在已經(jīng)11月了，最后期限越來越近。我不僅有大學申請表要填，還需要申請助學金，而且我還沒考“賽達”（編注：美國的學術能力評估測試，相當于中國的高考）。

我認識到，希望自己過去能做得更好只會阻礙我追求未來。我害怕自己會陋習復發(fā)，害怕我會陷進去——不做作業(yè)、上課容易走神、考試不及格。過去的我深陷其中難以自拔，而現(xiàn)在我終于看清楚，最大的問題是我對自己不自信。我知道自己能做得比考試掛科、學習拖拉更好，但我?guī)缀踉嚩疾辉嚲痛蛩惴艞墶?/p>

最后，我決定先在本市的一所社區(qū)學院上一年學，把我的成績提高一些，然后再轉學。在我去社區(qū)學院上學期間，我還將做好心理準備搬出去住。我計劃找一份兼職工作。通過這種方式我可以在離家前同時體驗大學生活和工作兩種感覺。

The only thing left to do was let my parents know my decision. I hoped they&apos；d be supportive， which would make an already difficult situation easier. One night I sat down with my mother. As I spoke， I tried to read her facial expression.

After our conversation I felt good about the decision I made. Knowing I had my mom&apos；s support gave me that push I needed to start my college journey.

In the end， I want to prove my old doubts wrong and make my family proud.

剩下唯一要做的就是讓父母知道我的決定了。我希望他們能夠支持我，這件事雖然已經(jīng)很難了，但有了他們的支持就能容易一些。一天晚上，我坐下來和媽媽聊天。我一邊說話，一邊試著讀懂她臉上的表情。

我們聊完之后，我感覺自己做了個明智的決定。知道媽媽是支持我的，這給了我開啟大學之旅所需要的那一股推力。

終于，我想要證明我以前對自己的那些懷疑是錯的，我想讓家人為我自豪。

Now， my biggest worry is whether I can banish my self-doubt. I avoid studying and finishing my assignments because I&apos；m afraid of failing yet again. Instead， I procrastinate8）. I play with my phone， watch TV and surf the internet. Sometimes I waste hours this way. I&apos；m concerned that I&apos；ll continue these bad habits when I get to college， so I&apos；ve started thinking about what I can do to change.

For one thing， I have to get strict with myself about sticking with a study schedule. And I have to completely unplug9）： turn off my phone and the TV， and try to avoid the internet. I also realized that I focus better when I study with someone else， so I&apos；m going to make a point to let10） my mom quiz me， and form study groups with my classmates. I&apos；ve been told it&apos；s good to meet with my professors during their office hours， and I think that may help me follow through with assignments. I&apos；m still nervous about whether I&apos；ll be able to do all of these things， but it&apos；s better than having no plan at all.

現(xiàn)在，我最擔心的就是自己能不能擺脫自我懷疑。我之所以逃避學習、不完成作業(yè)，是因為我害怕再次失敗。我反而選擇了拖延。我玩手機、看電視、上網(wǎng)。有時我能就這樣浪費掉好幾個小時。我擔心上大學后會保留這些壞習慣，所以我開始考慮我能做些什么來改變自己。

首先，我必須嚴格要求自己堅持執(zhí)行學習計劃。其次，我必須和一切電子產(chǎn)品徹底分手：關掉手機和電視，并盡量不上網(wǎng)。我還發(fā)現(xiàn)，當我和另一個人一起學習的時候，我的注意力更集中，所以我要專門讓媽媽測驗我，并和班上的同學結成學習小組一起學習。有人告訴我一個好方法，那就是在教授們的辦公時間里去向他們請教，我覺得這個方法或許有助于我堅持做完作業(yè)。我現(xiàn)在依然忐忑不安，不知自己是否能夠做到所有這些事情，但現(xiàn)在這樣總好過完全沒有計劃。