董涵容++王曉芳

本刊2015年7月在創(chuàng)刊十周年之際發(fā)起的主題為“我和英語(yǔ)有個(gè)故事”的全國(guó)中學(xué)生英語(yǔ)征文大賽現(xiàn)已圓滿落幕。本期我們繼續(xù)選登一篇獲獎(jiǎng)作文及北京新東方學(xué)校優(yōu)能中學(xué)老師的相應(yīng)精彩點(diǎn)評(píng)，以饗大家。本次與大家分享的是此次征文大賽等獎(jiǎng)的一篇獲獎(jiǎng)文章。

I never used to enjoy English. From my point of view， learning English is was the most boring thing in the world. If possible， I would try my best to avoid reading English. I only looked at the pictures in English books， not the essays in them. Every time my parents told me "You should practise speaking English out loud"， I always pretended that I didn't hear what they said.

With time goes As time went by， I fell behind other students. Even the basic grammar and words are were a big problem for me. Under the pressure of the College Entrance Examination， I was gradually aware of the importance of learning English. But I still told myself that I could get good grades and enter the university I dreamed∧of， even though my English was very bad.

However， one thing changed my mind.

Once， when I was taking a walk alone in the street， I saw a girl， who looked like an academic， working as a tour guide for foreigners. When she was introducing our hometown to a foreigner with in fluent English， a sense of confidence appeared on her face. When I compared myself to her， I felt embarrassed. I stood there silently， hearing their conversation and recalling my previous attitude towards English.

After getting home， I couldn't stop thinking. The girl's confident smile appeared in my mind. A sense of loss and sadness attacked my heart， which made me nearly couldn't breathe. I burst into crying tears， regarding myself as because I felt like a loser—the most stupid person in the world. Hearing me cry， my mother came and said something which had deep effect on me. She said， "No one can beat you except yourself. So the only thing you should do is try your best to beat the devil in your heart. Don't care what the ending will be. If you put your heart into it， you will succeed in one day. I do believe you can do it."

Now， I am different from what I used to be. Reading English in the morning is my basic task for me every day. And I have gradually realized that these "dull" words are interesting in fact. Although access to the final victory is difficult for me， I will never give up， because I will remember one sentence forever： The only one who can defeat you is yourself.

作者在這句話中用了used to do sth.這個(gè)句型，表示“過(guò)去常常做某事，過(guò)去習(xí)慣于做某事”。該句型有三種否定形式。在書(shū)面語(yǔ)中，used to do sth.的否定形式一般為never used to do sth.或者used not to do sth.，而在口語(yǔ)中，最常用的是didn't used to do sth.。這句話還可以換成肯定句，表述成：I used to hate English.

作者在這里擺脫了千篇一律的I think，而用了from my point of view來(lái)表達(dá)“我認(rèn)為”。除此之外，我們還可以用I hold the idea that ...、I cling to the idea that ...、as far as I am concerned等短語(yǔ)來(lái)表示“我認(rèn)為”。在建議類作文中闡述觀點(diǎn)時(shí)經(jīng)常會(huì)用到以上表達(dá)。

該句用了虛擬語(yǔ)氣，if possible是省略句，可以還原為if it were possible。Try one's best to do sth.是初中基本短語(yǔ)，表示“盡力做某事”。此處我們可以進(jìn)行升級(jí)，使用make every effort to do sth.、spare no effort to do sth.來(lái)替代。

本句中，look at有兩個(gè)賓語(yǔ)，即pictures和essays。很明顯，這里look at與essays搭配不太合適，可以換成read。此外，英語(yǔ)中表達(dá)“做……而不做……”時(shí)，可以使用instead of或rather than。因此這句話可以改為：I only looked at the pictures in English books， instead of/rather than reading the essays in them.

本句使用了伴隨狀語(yǔ)結(jié)構(gòu)，值得肯定，但這里hear的使用有點(diǎn)問(wèn)題。Hear表示“（無(wú)意中）聽(tīng)到”，假如作者想表達(dá)“無(wú)意中聽(tīng)到”的意思，那么這句話的邏輯就有問(wèn)題了，可以改成：Hearing their conversation， I stood there silently， recalling my previous attitude towards English. 假如作者想要表達(dá)“認(rèn)真聽(tīng)”的含義，那么應(yīng)該使用listen to，將原句改為：I stood there silently， listening to their conversation and recalling my previous attitude towards English.

本句中既有伴隨狀語(yǔ)hearing sth.，又有which引導(dǎo)的非限制性定語(yǔ)從句，句子十分流暢，反映出了作者較為扎實(shí)的寫(xiě)作功底。需要注意的是，“對(duì)……有影響”正確的說(shuō)法是have an effect on sth.。盡管原句漏掉了冠詞，但該短語(yǔ)的使用仍舊凸顯了作者豐富的詞匯量和靈活駕馭語(yǔ)言的能力。

本句中的my basic task和for me都包含了“我”的意思，略有重復(fù)。同時(shí)此處basic的使用受到了漢語(yǔ)思維的影響，建議改為essential。Basic強(qiáng)調(diào)組成某事物最基礎(chǔ)的、最根本的，而essential側(cè)重于對(duì)某人、某事或某種活動(dòng)等最重要的、最必不可少的?？梢詫⒋颂幍膍y basic task改為an essential task。

總評(píng)

從內(nèi)容上來(lái)說(shuō)，作者在這篇作文中闡述了自己因?yàn)橐淮谓?jīng)歷而改變了對(duì)英語(yǔ)的態(tài)度，最后媽媽的一段話重新燃起了作者對(duì)英語(yǔ)學(xué)習(xí)的信心，字里行間都流露出了作者對(duì)于英語(yǔ)的熱愛(ài)。英語(yǔ)對(duì)作者來(lái)說(shuō)不僅僅是一門(mén)有趣的語(yǔ)言，還讓作者重新找回了丟失的信心?！拔ㄒ荒艽驍∧愕娜酥挥心阕约骸?，這是作者最深的感悟，也是英語(yǔ)帶給作者的人生哲理。

從行文結(jié)構(gòu)上來(lái)看，作文中故事的敘述十分流暢，前后連接緊密，絲絲入扣，而且還使用了夾敘夾議的寫(xiě)作方法，讀來(lái)絲毫沒(méi)有突兀之感。另外，作文的一開(kāi)頭就通過(guò)“過(guò)去不喜歡英語(yǔ)”這句話設(shè)置了懸念，吸引了讀者的興趣，然后又通過(guò)對(duì)故事的敘述進(jìn)行了“劇情”的大反轉(zhuǎn)，最后用一句話進(jìn)行了升華，從而極大地引起讀者的共鳴。

從語(yǔ)言上可以看出，作者對(duì)英語(yǔ)語(yǔ)法和詞匯掌握得不錯(cuò)。定語(yǔ)從句、狀語(yǔ)從句、分詞結(jié)構(gòu)、插入語(yǔ)結(jié)構(gòu)等等穿插于文章之中。盡管有些表達(dá)還能看出漢語(yǔ)的影響，有點(diǎn)瑕疵，也存在些許語(yǔ)法上的問(wèn)題，但總體來(lái)看作者的表現(xiàn)已經(jīng)十分優(yōu)秀了。

總的來(lái)說(shuō)，這篇作文有故事，有感悟，有轉(zhuǎn)折，有升華，是一篇立意明確、主旨積極向上、語(yǔ)言流暢豐富的好文。