By Li Gang

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Brotherly Friendship

By Li Gang

There is a unique relationship in the Chinese society：brotherly friendship. It is an intimate relationship and an extension of the Confucian concept of brotherhood into social conduct. Friendship differs from blood lineage. People of different social status， cultural background and age can be intimate friends going through thick and thin together， just like brothers. A Chinese saying goes： “At home， one relies on one's parents and outside on one's friends.” It means when one grows up and begins to make a living， friends will help a lot.

The Chinese believe that brothers are just like hands and feet. So they not only call their friends “brothers”，but also treat them as kin. the foundations of Chinese ethics are the concepts of loyalty， filial piety， fraternal duty， credit and righteousness. Fraternal duty refers to the lifelong love among brothers. In the heart of the Chinese， brotherly love is next only to loyalty to the motherland and filial piety to the parents. It is an essential part of one's ethical makeup.

The Chinese society values the human side， and always puts of relatives beyond all other interpersonal relationships. When a father/mother is with the child and runs into a colleague or neighbor， quite othen he/she will have the child say hello to them and call them “uncle/ aunt” or “grandpa/grandma” When visiting with their friends， the child will be taught to treat them as “brothers and sisters”.

This is because compared with the egoism of the West， the Chinese endue ego with a more collective meaning. The identification of relationship highlights their understanding of interpersonal communication. People will adjust the criteria for assessing their relationship with others according to their purposes and needs. there may be close relatives， para-relatives， geographical or industrial partners. By expanding the scope of relatives， one can make use of non-relatives and their resources for self-benefit.

Confucians hold that one has to rely on others to succeed. According to Du Weiming， a contemporary Confucian scholar， the Confucian concept of self-development admits that the human will is fragile and humans do make mistakes. An inexperienced person can hardly succeed on his own. He must seek help from various connections， and the relationship between kindred people is interdependent - one is obliged to fulfill the expectation of others toward oneself. Likewise， others are also obliged to provide support in return.

In the Romance of the Three Kingdoms， one of China's four classic novels， the three heroes - Liu Bei，Guan Yu and Zhang Fei - swore to be brothers who would rather die together than be divided. Their lasting brotherhood left their rival Cao Cao no chance to destroy their bond， even by tempting them with gold，beauty or whatever.

Why did they choose to build such a brotherly relationship？ the answer is that only such a reliable tie could bind them together to share weal and woe. that set a model of brotherhood for the Chinese. Similar relationships were very common among officials and their subordinates throughout feudal Chinese history.

The belief is rooted so deeply in Chinese society that， even today， it's no surprise to see people calling each other “buddy” at banquets or in the streets. Quite often in a college dorm， everyone will be nicknamed“Eldest， Second Eldest...” based on their age， just like in an extended family. Even years after graduation， they still use the old way of address for each other. This is not to stress any sort of pecking order， but to engender a sense of being embraced by family love and group attachment.

Such Confucian understanding of ego differs much from Westerners. In the West， an individual is independent， and independence means one is able to take responsibility for one's own actions， restrain one's demands on others， and control personal behavior. However， in the Confucian concept， an individual has to count on others. In other words，self-development involves others， and one must not ignore the expectation of others. So， one must adapt to others and shoulder the necessary responsibilities. Such an awareness of responsibility does not exist in the Western concept of ego.

As American scholar A. J. Massella has said： “The American ego features individualism， which tends to protect the individuals. Instead of adapting to others，people are encouraged to strive for a high degree of independence and self-reliance.... But the traditional Chinese concept of ego cares more about others， rather than individuals themselves.... Anyhow， both the Western ego of protecting the individuals and that of the East of adapting to others are no more than a way to maintain order， and there is no need to consider either of them be better than the other.”

About the author：

Li Gang is a professor at the Beijing University of Posts and Telecommunications.