Of Love， Joy， and Destiny

幾年前9月的一個(gè)夜晚，我來到上海，只攜帶著一些衣服和書來到了中國。開始了對未知國度的體驗(yàn)之旅，這悄然改變了我、我的人生、甚至還改變了我原本看待世界的方式。

衡陽，第一次聽到衡陽這個(gè)名字的時(shí)候，是我意識到自己要去這個(gè)城市教授英語。于是我掏出紅筆在衡陽這個(gè)城市的名字下面重重地畫上了個(gè)圓圈，對自己說，我要在這里至少待上一年。在我進(jìn)入湖南最初的兩個(gè)小時(shí)里，除了天氣酷熱之外，景色優(yōu)美最令我震驚。從機(jī)場到衡陽的旅途就是一段夢幻之旅。以至于后來為了重溫這種感覺，閑暇之余我都會騎著自行車到山間、到鄉(xiāng)村去轉(zhuǎn)轉(zhuǎn)。

在衡陽教學(xué)的第一學(xué)年結(jié)束后，我回加拿大待了6個(gè)星期，奇怪的是在家的最后兩個(gè)星期，每天都度日如年，總感覺有種什么意念在牽引著我早日回中國去，回到我“現(xiàn)在”的這個(gè)家——衡陽。更不可思議的是第二個(gè)暑假，我竟然只在加拿大待了兩個(gè)星期就返回了衡陽，令我的父母非常沮喪，我自己也不知道自己到底是怎么了？只是每次想起在飛機(jī)離京回加拿大之前的那個(gè)下午，在天安門廣場觀看莊嚴(yán)的降國旗儀式時(shí)那種激昂的心情，我禁不住熱淚盈眶。哦，我知道了，我在想念中國！是的，我在想念在中國的“我”！于是在從香港返回中國時(shí)，我重新用個(gè)新包將自己在加拿大的其他物品全部帶來了中國，一到深圳，一種回家的感覺涌上心頭，之前的郁悶之情頓時(shí)煙消云散。

我到底是怎么了？這到底又是種怎樣的感覺？我甚至都沒意識到自己已經(jīng)變了個(gè)人。兩年來，無數(shù)雙閃爍的眼睛、無數(shù)張熱誠的笑臉以及無數(shù)個(gè)我無法拼讀的新名字出現(xiàn)在我面前，他們就是我的學(xué)生，年輕而充滿活力。原本是我來教他們的，可后來卻從他們身上學(xué)到了很多。例如怎樣系塑料袋、怎樣準(zhǔn)備20個(gè)人的中式晚餐……（因?yàn)樵诩幽么蠛芏嗍挛锾幚淼姆绞蕉际墙厝徊煌模抑詿朗且驗(yàn)槲业昧讼嗨疾?，因?yàn)樵谶@兩年間我不知不覺地愛上了中國。中國人民的淳樸善良、熱情友好深深地吸引著我，這兒讓我感覺到和平與自由。

第三個(gè)夏天，不用說，我留在了衡陽。這年我30歲，在這一年我的人生發(fā)生了重大改變，這就是我遇到了我的愛妻，一個(gè)衡陽本地女孩，我們剛剛有了一個(gè)漂亮的兒子。接下來的兩年我開始深入體驗(yàn)中國復(fù)雜而奇妙的智慧與文化：例如怎樣用偏方治療感冒，如何成為我妻子兒時(shí)好友女兒的干爸等等等等。可以這么說也正是這個(gè)轉(zhuǎn)變讓我跳出學(xué)校這個(gè)圈子開始了與校外人群的交往，并獲得了很多友誼。

但是這一切對于我來說并不是那么容易，特別是當(dāng)我感到彷徨失落的時(shí)候。但我并沒有退卻，正是在這些時(shí)候，我做出選擇，這些選擇深深地影響了我的生活。

第五個(gè)暑假我和我的妻子一同回加拿大與我的家人及朋友相聚。但這次我并沒有返回衡陽繼續(xù)我的教學(xué)事業(yè)，而是選擇去了廣東邊修中文邊工作。此時(shí)我的妻子也因單位安排去湘潭大學(xué)進(jìn)修。這是個(gè)旅途之年，同時(shí)也是我看到自己播種收獲的一年，這一年我和愛人很多時(shí)間都是在火車上度過的，我們和每位渴望回家的外出打工者一樣，只要一遇上假期就會踏上返回衡陽的旅途，在衡陽的小家相聚。在南方工作的這一年我還與我曾經(jīng)的學(xué)生見面，他們現(xiàn)在深圳、東莞、廣州等地工作，沒有想到原來我竟然在他們的生命中有著如此的影響力。對于有些學(xué)生來說我是他們靈感的源頭，對于另一些人來說我則給他們帶來了勇氣。甚至于有許多人還認(rèn)為他們今天的成功是因?yàn)橛龅搅宋?。我總是能不斷接到學(xué)生傳來的喜訊：“Ramiro，我剛買了套房子”，或是曾經(jīng)的校園情人告訴我他們終于結(jié)婚了之類的事。即使他們現(xiàn)在已是管理者、老板、快樂的父親或是賢惠的妻子，可是只要是有聚會我總是能接到這樣或那樣的請柬。這真是繁忙的一年，有著太多的事要做。盡管如此，我還是成功地通過了HSK（即：漢語水平考試），當(dāng)我拿到合格證的那一刻，整個(gè)人似乎都飄了起來，那種感覺真讓人陶醉。

但是我不得不返回衡陽——我的第二故鄉(xiāng)。

在衡陽的這些年我認(rèn)識的所有外國人幾乎都會問我同樣一個(gè)問題“為什么你會待在這兒？”我想我可能就像是屬于這里的候鳥，不愿飛遠(yuǎn)，也就是中國人通常所說的“喜歡這里沒理由”。

不久前我的一位西班牙朋友也像我一樣來到中國教學(xué)，合同到期他便決定回國。我努力挽留他并告訴他雖然需要花上好些年才能開始了解中國文化，但一旦花上了這些時(shí)間就決不會后悔這個(gè)決定，并勸說在中國有著太多的機(jī)遇與挑戰(zhàn)等等。在我的勸說下他試著在中央電視臺國際頻道投了一份履歷，沒想到這不經(jīng)意的一投，兩個(gè)月內(nèi)竟讓他在中央電視臺獲得了一份非常好的工作。當(dāng)他告訴我這一消息時(shí)他還勸我和他一樣投上一份簡歷，并說以我的知識與經(jīng)歷，我也同樣能取得成功。

聽到他的這番話，我覺著自己已經(jīng)成功了，我擁有的正是人們所追求的——家庭的愛、愉悅的工作、和諧的人際關(guān)系。我的命運(yùn)藍(lán)圖正在中國展開美麗的篇章。每當(dāng)人們問起為什么我會來中國，來湖南，來衡陽，我都會告訴他們這是“緣分”，是因?yàn)樾疫\(yùn)與快樂在這兒等著我。

更為重要的還有，到中國我才知道有許多隱形價(jià)值的存在，原來我欣賞獨(dú)立，但現(xiàn)在我知道合作能夠帶來和諧；以前我?guī)缀醪慌c家人分享自己的生活，但現(xiàn)在我的母親在這兒與我們一同撫養(yǎng)她的孫子。我想現(xiàn)在回首從前，似乎都已無法辨認(rèn)剛來時(shí)的自己了。我總是尋找理由讓我的生活變得更有意義，做些事情來肯定自己的價(jià)值，并在人們談?wù)撟约簳r(shí)感覺到自己的價(jià)值。

現(xiàn)在每當(dāng)我站在講臺上看著一張張面孔，一些還在昏睡，一些心不在焉，還有一些充滿了求知欲，我就覺得自己的生命多么的有意義，就感覺有責(zé)任通過自己的言行用不同的方法教導(dǎo)他們?；谶@種強(qiáng)烈的責(zé)任感，這些年我除了對工作兢兢業(yè)業(yè)以外，還不斷地提升自己的教學(xué)水平和綜合素質(zhì)，并體味著付出越多越快樂的感覺。

帶著這種想法，我又想到了與我的學(xué)生們共享我的其他語言知識，于是我開始利用課外時(shí)間教授他們西班牙語和法語，就像是農(nóng)夫看到自己的莊稼收成一樣，我看到自己的教學(xué)方法讓他們的知識一天天得到提高，并在發(fā)展的社會中貢獻(xiàn)出自己的力量。

2004年的10月我還有幸獲得湖南省頒發(fā)的瀟湘友誼獎與芙蓉獎兩項(xiàng)殊榮，這些對我的肯定，也是讓我留在中國最好的動力，讓我更加體會到在中國自己的價(jià)值所在。

記得當(dāng)年我剛到衡陽時(shí)正是慶祝這座城市第一幢最高電梯房落成之日。斗轉(zhuǎn)星移，隨著這座城市的不斷發(fā)展，我們也在這兒買了一套電梯公寓。這些年我一直在這兒生活、工作、建設(shè)我的未來，可我還是需要簽證才能待在這個(gè)我叫做“家”的地方，否則我將失去在這兒的一切。就像是一棵茁壯成長的樹沒有牢固的樹根?；谶@個(gè)原因我曾經(jīng)申請過中國永久居留證，但那又是另一個(gè)故事了。

要問中國湖南到底怎樣改變了我的人生，我只帶著一個(gè)包裹來到了這里，但如果現(xiàn)在選擇離開，世界上再大的包裹也裝不下我所得到的一切。我可以去任何地方，可我的心卻會永遠(yuǎn)記住這里，這個(gè)讓我找到生命中的愛、享受著教學(xué)的歡樂以及對文化全新理解的國度。

（羅密羅.克魯茲（Ramiro Cruz）現(xiàn)任教于衡陽師范學(xué)院，本文獲“感受湖南——外國專家征文比賽”一等獎。）

Years ago I set foot in Shanghai a night of September， with a half-books-half-clothes backpack to what it was suppose to be an experience into the unknown， which unknowingly would change me， my life， and the way I saw the world.

The first time I heard the name of Hengyang was when I realized that it was the city where I was going to work as an English teacher; and so I put a red dot and I said \"that's where I'll be for a year\". I have to say that what stroked me the most the first two hours in Hunan， was beside the intense heat， its beauty. The trip from the airport to Hengyang was dream-like. And in order to revive this instance I ride my bicycle to the mountains and the countryside whenever time allows it.

I began teaching in September， and the first year was not yet complete and by July I was back in Canada for six weeks; of which the last two seemed like centuries. There was something pulling me back to China， to my 'now' Hengyang. And another summer came， and again the return home. But this time I only stayed， to my parents' dismay， two weeks. I can't really tell what happened， I felt anguished. I was overcome with grieve: tears welled up into my eyes whenever I recalled the afternoon before my flight when I went to Tian'An Men and saw at the setting sun， the flag ceremony. I missed China; I missed 'me' in China! -This time I returned through Hong Kong， but it wasn't till I was pulling my new bag， full with the rest of my stuff， across Shenzhen， that I exhaled right from my heart a feeling of relieve. I was home again.

What had happened to me? What were these feelings? I had not yet realized that I was actually a new person. In two years， thousands of new and then unpronounceable names were in front of me; names with a hearty smile and sheen eyes. They were my students. Young and wonderful people I had met in what begun as me teaching them， and ended up by them teaching me all sorts of things， from how to close a plastic bag to how to prepare a supper for 20.

My distress was because I was simply lovesick. In those two years I had experienced a happiness yet unknown to me and I had fallen in love with China. The Chinese heart had captivated me; its friendliness and disposition， its kindness and enthusiasm. It was， I understand now， the feeling of peace and freedom I felt here.

The third summer， needless to say， I stayed in Hengyang. It was my 30th birthday， a decisive year. A year in which my life turned upside-down， but with the right side up! That's when I met my wonderful wife， a Hengyang native， and recently mother of our handsome son. For the next two years I was led through the intricacies and wonders of Chinese culture and wisdom: from how to cure a cold， to become the godfather of my wife's childhood friend's daughter. I would say that this was a turning point because it was then that I began to relate to people from outside the school's circle. With these people I now have strong bonds of friendship.

But it wasn't always easy; there were times when I felt confused and frustrated. But far from being discouraged， it was then that I made decisions that would deeply affect my life.

The fifth summer my wife and I traveled to Canada to meet my relatives and friends. And again we were back for the next school year but this time I wasn't returning to my hometown， I was leaving Hengyang for Guangdong with the intention of studying Chinese and working. At the same time my wife was attending Xiang Tan University in a special program. This was the year of the trains and a time when I saw what I had sown.

I called it the year of the trains because that's what I did. I took the train every holiday and long week-ends back to Hengyang. I too was a migrant worker， eager to come back home.

During the year I stayed in the south I was able to meet my former students - at least those working in Shenzhen， Dongguan， and Guangzhou area. Little I knew about the impact I had had in their lives. For some I was a source of inspiration， to others I had given them courage. They had valued our friendship， and many attributed their success at having met me: 'Ramiro I just bought a house\" notified me one. The school sweethearts called to tell me \"Apple and I are finally getting married\". I got wedding invitations， classmates' reunion invitations， birthdays invitations. They were no longer students but managers， entrepreneurs， happy fathers and zealous wives. It was a really busy year with so much catch up to do. Nonetheless， I successfully passed HSK (Hanyu Shuiping Kaoshi). When I received the certificate， I felt as if I had walked on the moon.

But I had to come back to Hengyang.

These years I've seen foreigners come and go through Hengyang， and almost all ask me the same question， why do you stay here? I guess I'm a gull that didn't want to fly away. But also I have found the Chinese answer the most suitable 'I stay here for no reason'.

Not long ago a Spanish man came to China， to teach， just like I did. Once his contract was over he was on his way back to his country. I tried to dissuade him by telling him that he needed few years before he could begin to understand Chinese culture that he needed time and he wouldn't regret it. I remember adding that China was the land of opportunities and fortune. And just in case he left his resume in CCTV International. They called him within two months and offered him a really nice job. When he called to announce he asked me to do the same， with my skills and experience in China I could succeed too.

I sat on his words and I concluded that I'm already a successful man. I have what people are looking for. Love from my wife and son， joy from my work and my students. My destiny is traced in China. Whenever people ask why I came to China， to Hunan， to Hengyang， I simply answer yuan fen. I came here because that's where my luck is， where happiness was waiting for me.

Ever since I've been here I have learn values that I didn't know existed. Before I valued independency but now I've learnt that working together brings harmony. Before I rarely shared my life with my family， now my mother is here in taking care of her half Chinese half Canadian grandson. Before I looked for my friends to do something， now I look for them simply to enjoy each other's company. I guess that if I saw the way I was when I first came to how I am now， I wouldn't recognize me. Then I was looking for reasons to make my life interesting; I was looking for things to do to feel useful， people to talk so that I could feel counted.

Now， I have realized that this is what I've come to do everyday， right here in Hengyang. When I stand in front of the class and I see all those expectant faces， some still asleep， some aloof， and others alive， is then when I feel my life taking meaning. I feel somehow responsible for their future for whatever I say or do will take them into different paths. Under such responsibility， through the years I've made my priority to improve my teaching， and in the process I feel that I've come to improve myself as a person. The more I give the happier I feel.

With that thought in mind， I wanted to share what I had -languages- and so I began teaching Spanish and French to the students. Recently I was moved by an e-mail written in Spanish from one of my students. The joy of a farmer is in seeing the fruit of his labor; mine is to see that my teaching produces ways for people to improve themselves thus contributing to the growth of society. Thus， the Lotus and Friendship Awards I received from the province of Hunan in Changsha in October 2004 were the greatest recognition I ever had， this was the best motivation to be in China; I knew then that my work was valued.

I remember that the night I arrived in Hengyang there were fireworks celebrating the opening ceremony of the tallest building of the city. Ever since， the city hasn't stop growing and improving， and to partake in that change we bought an apartment in a brand new complex. Though， there's one thing though that haunts me. All these years I've been living and working here， building my future. Yet I am a visa away from losing all I now call home. I feel like a tree growing its branches with its roots on the surface. For that matter my wife and I have considered applying for a Chinese permanent residence， but that s 'a bird of a different feather.'

How has Hunan， China， changed my life? Well， I came with a backpack， and if I were to leave， there's no bag that could contain all I've got. I could go， but my heart will remain forever here， where I found the loves of my live， the joy that there is in teaching， and the understanding of a country.