主持人_王眾 鄧茗文

Personal Essay

主持人_王眾 鄧茗文

主持人：文書點(diǎn)評(píng)欄目的稿源越來越多元化了，感謝各位留學(xué)生的支持，本期我們?yōu)楦魑环窒硪黄诖T士申請(qǐng)中成功轉(zhuǎn)專業(yè)的PS。本文的作者是中國(guó)一所高校法語(yǔ)專業(yè)的畢業(yè)生，碩士申請(qǐng)到了美國(guó)UIUC的會(huì)計(jì)專業(yè)。應(yīng)作者要求，其私人信息已被隱去。

My name is XXX, a senior student of Beijing XXX University, one of the most prestigious universities in China and also known as the cradle of diplomats...My life path seemed to be attached to French and people constantly told me that my choice is a one-way street, but I fi rmly believe there are other ways that I can choose and walk out because I never put all my eggs in one thing, thus I choose Finance as my minor and try to fi nd my interest area.01

Therefore, I attended a great number of courses concerning economics and accounting, such as the Financial Management, Financial Accounting, Auditing etc., from which I was exposed to the accounting world.02 I was intrigued.03 by the beauty of simplicity in its core methodology and the diversity in its vast applications immediately.04 Gradually, I took keen interest in accounting, especially when I was a junior student, I had an internship in BDO China Shu Lun Pan Certified Public Accountants LLP where I got access to corporate fi nancial statements, sampling test on hundreds of vouchers, journalizing, auditing working papers, IPO auditing project, and a complete interim report to be presented in Hong Kong Stock Exchange, etc. This unforgettable internship experience aroused my strong interest in accounting industry.05

Out of the class, I also took part in a variety of giant extracurricular and social activities, for example, 2012 China Tennis Open, Chinese People’s Association for Friendship with Foreign Countries, Chief of Arts Department in Student Union of XXX. These activities not only widened my horizon, but also explored my potential abilities of leadership, communication as well as creativity. More importantly, through communicating with different people in different position, I gradually gain some ideas about my career objectives.06

...

When I worked as an assistant in Business Development Department in 2012 China Tennis Open, I often work together with staffs in Financial Department and helped them solve many problems. Frankly, their rigorous and conscientious working attitude as well as challenging working content has fascinated me. However, when my boss asked me to transfer to be head of a group leader of volunteers in Financial Department, I soon perceived that most of volunteers in Financial Department were dissatis fi ed with this decision. So I refused his arrangement on the pretext of can’t afford this responsibility.07

王眾

廣東外語(yǔ)外貿(mào)大學(xué)英語(yǔ)專業(yè)本科，英國(guó)卡迪夫大學(xué)國(guó)際新聞系碩士，曾DIY申請(qǐng)資料，了解文書寫作。

《留學(xué)》點(diǎn)評(píng)

綜合點(diǎn)評(píng)：

本文沒有很炫麗的創(chuàng)新，非常中規(guī)中矩，是很多學(xué)生會(huì)使用的結(jié)構(gòu)，所以更有分析意義。除了分段點(diǎn)評(píng)中提出的問題和建議外，本文因?yàn)榘婷婵臻g限制，隱去了作者進(jìn)一步羅列自己參與課外活動(dòng)的段落。

這些補(bǔ)充證明自己很優(yōu)秀的段落和證明自己學(xué)術(shù)能力、學(xué)術(shù)需求的部分并沒有很好的承接性，反而將文章割裂成兩個(gè)部分，讓PS缺乏中心。有舍才有得，這雖然是cliche，但在文書寫作中確實(shí)非常重要，PS需要有一個(gè)中心，在碩士申請(qǐng)中，與專業(yè)有關(guān)的話題無疑更加重要，其他顯示自己美好品質(zhì)的段落，不如通過附加essay或者CV的方式表達(dá)。

總體來說，這是一篇四平八穩(wěn)的優(yōu)秀文書，值得大部分的學(xué)生拿來分析、借鑒。

分段點(diǎn)評(píng)：

01 這是個(gè)相對(duì)保險(xiǎn)的開頭，作者開門見山地自報(bào)家門，并解釋了自己為什么要轉(zhuǎn)專業(yè)。盡管讀上去并不引人入勝，但對(duì)于碩士申請(qǐng)來說，這種干凈利落的開頭顯得professional，勝過故弄玄虛的鋪墊，畢竟PS都是有字?jǐn)?shù)限制的，如果想不到一個(gè)短促巧妙的開頭，不如單刀直入。

02beexposedto這是個(gè)不錯(cuò)的常用用法，表示自己置身于某個(gè)領(lǐng)域（說得酸一點(diǎn)，就是置身于某類知識(shí)的海洋中）。

03同義表達(dá)有attract，interest等，這里使用intrigue和后面的beauty呼應(yīng)起來，就頗有文采。

04這一句作者的構(gòu)思很巧妙，前后的simplicity和diversity是一對(duì)反義用法，將其并列使用，很有語(yǔ)言美感。

05這一段簡(jiǎn)要說明了自己修過的核心課程，用一句話講了自己的感性認(rèn)識(shí)后，簡(jiǎn)述了自己的一段重量級(jí)的實(shí)習(xí)經(jīng)歷。仍然是平穩(wěn)風(fēng)格，很有分寸，雖然每個(gè)部分都有顧及到但點(diǎn)到即止，讀起來不啰嗦。

06這類段落很常見，究其原因是舍不得扔掉自認(rèn)為拿得出手的經(jīng)歷。縱觀全文，這段處于上不著天下不著地的尷尬境地：前后段落都在講自己的學(xué)習(xí)能力，這段課外活動(dòng)的羅列與學(xué)習(xí)無關(guān)，提及的品質(zhì)也屬于展示個(gè)人附加值，最后提到的職業(yè)目標(biāo)也沒有下文說明。即便舍不得扔，建議也置尾處理，僅作為對(duì)自己的補(bǔ)充說明。07本段主要想說明一個(gè)觸動(dòng)自己要轉(zhuǎn)專業(yè)學(xué)習(xí)的故事，但是有些頭重腳輕，不妨用一句話交代背景，然后加一句話補(bǔ)充之后失去了哪些機(jī)會(huì)等。

08這一段詳細(xì)地描述了自己職業(yè)規(guī)劃三步走戰(zhàn)略，表現(xiàn)了自己的規(guī)劃能力，證明自己想轉(zhuǎn)專業(yè)是考慮清楚的決定而不是跟風(fēng)或者對(duì)原專業(yè)的逃避。

09這一段先認(rèn)可了UIUC會(huì)計(jì)專業(yè)的排名，并強(qiáng)調(diào)了自己心儀的兩個(gè)項(xiàng)目，結(jié)構(gòu)完全沒問題。如果字?jǐn)?shù)有限，第一句完全可以省去，不必浪費(fèi)字?jǐn)?shù)告訴招生官這樣的信息，對(duì)學(xué)校排名的獲悉并不會(huì)為自己加分。后兩句漸入佳境，告訴學(xué)?！拔易屑?xì)地研究過你的課程，他們特別符合我的需求”，第二個(gè)MSA項(xiàng)目則處理得更好。This experience reminded me a fact that as a student who didn’t major in accounting, discipline-specif i c knowledge and skills in the fields of accounting is what I need to sharpen and will be a cornerstone for my career. I need to get better understanding about this world through further studies.

I choose to pursue a master’s degree in UIUC for the reason that the Big Four CPA firms acknowledge this prestigious program. I think this choice not only help to achieve my primary career goal of becoming an auditor in the Big Four CPA fi rms after I get the master degree but also is beneficial to my intermediate goal to a senior auditor and excellent department chief within fi ve years. Once accumulating enough expertise and resources and fi nding my interest area, I will leave the Big Four and work in the industry I choose and pursue the CFO position.08

Since the UIUC accounting faculty ranks first in financial accounting research, I believe the theory knowledge and practical operate skills as well as the newest research achievements I will learn from the UIUC can open a door for the Big Four. Particularly, your summer session program will benef i t students in strengthening their academic background and language skills so as to faster and better entering into the learning state. Your MSA program, with a CPA exam oriented curriculum, fulfills my expectation to learn professional knowledge and pass the CPA exam and offers students opportunities to improve our understanding about the accounting world and help us to better fit into the American society and to fi nd jobs.09

I desire to step into accounting field and interact with academic pioneers and industry leaders. And I believe you can open a door for a potential and energetic young lady who has made her mind to do what she likes better.